"for me"

so ironically enough today's background post was going to be about fitness and health - another biggie for me about which i will write many many times i'm sure - and i just happened to read my friend's Facebook post....."omg just went to the dr and i weigh 105!! i haven't weighed more than 100 lbs since 9th grade" - to which i (and I'm sure everyone else we know) went OH PLEASE!!!  or more accurately in my case - oh for fucks sake, seriously???? and then i  immediately started to laugh at myself because i knew that i was going to title todays post "for me"......i'm sure paula is fairly suicidal over those ridiculous 6 lbs because FOR HER it makes her feel somehow worse about herself.  i have waged a big battle with myself over the last several years to remember that every time i say something silly like "i am so heavy" or  "i'm ridiculously out of shape"- what i really mean, is that FOR ME those things are true, but to my audience i sound like i'm just looking for a compliment of some kind - or i'm an ass....one or the other.  so its funny that today of all days, paula (who's is the most petite woman on planet earth) complained about her weight, which to most of the rest of the population sounds anorexic.  for me, its a cool segue about how i came to be in my next rut....that of fitness.

i have always been active, athletic and competitive - and for the majority of my adult life, i have prided myself on being STRONG - not skinny, not really heavy - but always strong....throughout all of my weight fluctuations, all of my pregnancies and subsequent rebound diets, i have for the most part maintained that image of  myself.  i have a hate/hate relationship with running, but a love/love relationship with working out that started in college and for the most part never wavered. exercise has been an outlet, a challenge, a source of income, and a regimen throughout my entire adult life.  i am certified to teach spin, body pump, any kind of group exercise class, and most recently as a NASM certified personal trainer.  i am passionate about exercise, love sharing it with my friends and classes, and have encouraged my boys to incorporate it in their lives as early as possible.  to me, there are no down sides to fitness....except one - if you stop, it's really really really hard to start again.  which has happened to me several times - mostly surrounding pregnancy, but a couple of times when work seemed to overtake my life.  i just happen to be going thru one of those now.....so here's the dilemma (or big fat rationalization, you pick):

8 POUNDS....i can eat whatever i want, not exercise and basically act like a giant slug and weigh about 8 lbs more than i do when i am a fitness nut.  my clothes still fit (not as well) and i just get a whole lot mushier around the middle, which is awfully easy to hide, especially in work clothes :)  .... to lose this 8 lbs and get back to my "fighting weight", i basically eat nothing but green things (I'm a vegetarian -which i will get into more later) and fruit, and i exercise like a fiend - often more than once a day.   usually just the fact that i like to work out keeps me in check.  i also enjoy looking better than i currently do....and here's the big BUT, i just can't seem to give a flying fuck at the moment.  and that makes me CRAZY.

it all started with yet another job change....i have found myself in the position over the last 3 years where i basically drive for a living....when i was doing this part time, i still had plenty of time to get to the gym and was teaching regularly.  last year, i experienced the loss of 3 very different people - all in very different circumstances, but all of which really started to hammer home the "you only live once/life is short" mentality......my word of the year (which you will hear more about at a later date) was "fun", as a direct result of my need to embrace the opportunities to do things that i usually put off.   so here i am, trying to embrace the "fun" in my life, when i am faced (like so many others) with the need to seriously go to work....you see, i would say while i have ALWAYS had a job, and usually more than one at a time, i would consider myself a stay at home mom that dabbled at work.  my friends were the morning workout moms at the gym, not the after work ones.  last year that all changed....along with the fact that "my gym" - the gym i have worked at, worked out at, and loved for 10 years - closed its doors, i went to work "full time".  i became the after work workout chic for the first time ever - and i gotta say i just don't like it.  i made a decent attempt for the first few months to keep it going, but seriously lost my juice.  for the first time in a really long time, i just can't seem to find my workout groove.  so now my 8 lbs aren't so much a choice, but a WEIGHT thats holding me down.  and given my family history - I'm sure that 8 lbs will very easily turn into 15....so the buck needs to stop....before i look up and realize i'm jabba the hut.

so what to do?  clearly this is not the first time over the course of this year i have struggled with this....but i really thought if anything would have made me get off my ass, turning 40 would have done it .....and yet that milestone came and went this year and still, no mojo.  i bagged on the tough mudder, which i can honestly say i have never done before....ever.  i just didn't train, so i didn't go.  what the hell is wrong with me???  and how do i get it back?  i know in some ways i need to let myself off the hook- there is only so much time in the day, and i am definitely not the kind of girl that can get up at 6am to workout - tried it and failed miserably.  but i also need to remember the second part of the lesson from last year......i don't HAVE TO exercise - obviously.  but i do GET TO.  i get to run, and play softball with my friends.  i get to play soccer and football on the beach.  i get to show my kids that exercise is a GIFT, that not everyone gets, and not everyone accepts.  but I DO!  i just need to remember to stop looking at it as a chore, and embrace it!

to go one step further, I'm also going to address the whole food thing.  now food is also something i have a love/love relationship with.  i will literally knock you down for a bowl of chips and dip...its not pretty.  if i utter the words "I'm losing my window" to my husband - he knows that i better eat in the next few minutes or all hell will break loose.  i'm every kind of food addict you can imagine - i have sugar issues, caffeine dependency - i'm consume way too many carbs and i drink too much.  i seriously went to my dr a few years back (over those same 8 lbs) thinking i had a thyroid problem - no matter how much i work out i just can't seem to lose the weight....we went over my diet- and he looked at me and said "you are lucky you don't weigh 400 pounds"....now get out of my office, you crazy ass.

i also have migraines and stomach issues, but then again so do all the women in my family, so i was never really concerned - for me it was all weight related.....until i started to have chronic stomachaches.....thats when i headed back to the bookstore (isn't that where YOU go when you have stomachaches??). i read up on all the "diets" - gluten free/dairy free/carb free/paleo....you know what they are.  i stumbled upon what i consider to be a life changer....EAT to LIVE.  it was a revelation for me in terms of food.  i followed it, i felt better - and consequently looked better than i had in forever.  and then the siren song of french fries threw my off the bus of good eating :)....i'm weak willed with food.  HOWEVER, i learned that there was a good way to eat - i changed my lifestyle and prepared better food for my family - we went all whole grain, no boxed food, etc and it was great - until i stopped.  now about that time i also read "the kind diet" -which if you really should read if you WANT to be a vegetarian.  EAT to LIVE lays out the medical and health reasons why a plant based diet is best for you, but the KIND DIET makes you never want to eat meat again....its a good combo.  i can barely buy chicken for my kids (but i do- thats a whole nother story). so what i know is this - you can eat crappy on any kind of eating plan - believe me.....the only way i will ever totally eat healthy is if we go thru some kind of POTATO FAMINE and i just cant get any.  aside from that, it will be a constant battle, but i do need to do better.  basically i've just let it all slide this year....apparently turning 40 meant to me that i could take the year off...

since my scale broke, i will probably say my 8 lbs are probably closer to 12 right now.  so in addition to my  spiritual quest, i'm going to try to find out how i lost my fitness mojo and get it back...because i miss it....really miss it. and while i'm whining i miss my gym.  and my gym friends. and my workout group.  running SUCKS! but i will continue to do it until i find my "gym" again.....and when i cross the finish line on march 18th at the shamrock half marathon, someone better have a beer and big basket of french fries waiting for me!!!