look at her

this has been a very interesting little bit of time in my life.  i'm FINALLY doing work that satisfies me and yet i find myself in the position of hearing A LOT about the things that we, as women, are NOT happy about in respect to our bodies.

so this is what i've learned in the last lets say 20 years about that. women are more critical about themselves than anyone else is about them.  you can bet that there is not ONE THING that someone else could say to criticize us that we have not already thought about and probably obsessed over.  we are our own worst enemies.  no matter how much progress we make, we are ALWAYS looking at how much more there is to do.

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.  ~Confucius

and we do this about everything. we spend our lives second guessing and comparing.....and for what?  to get the approval of whom?  at the end of the day, who is it that we need to be able to look at and say "dammit, i'm great the way i am"?  its an interesting question.  because for every be happy with who you are motto and quote and self help bs you find out there, there are ten thousand other images and quotes to still make you feel like shit.  we are a competitive society.  we want the "best" for our kids and for ourselves.  but there is no "best".  its an indefinable word.  and in its inherent ambiguity, we are striving for the unattainable.  we are setting ourselves up for failure.  because at the end of the day, what's best for you and whats best for me probably arent the same thing.  and yet we are both still competing over it.

so we spend our days looking at what other people have and want and look like, and try to mimic it.  when in reality, what they have is not what is going to work for us.  we've been taught from birth that complacency is the devil.  we have to want more, do more and be MORE.  which again, makes us look around at what we are lacking.  as opposed to looking around at what we already have or done and being satisfied.  what is WRONG with us?

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere. ~Agnes Repplier

i can relate this best to body image.  because that is what i'm faced with on a daily basis.  let's face it. no 2 bodies are alike.  we are all INHERENTLY unique.  which is super cool.  and yet, somehow somewhere along the way, someone decided that beauty had a standard.  and over time that standard changed.  which in and of itself sets us up for failure, right?  it CHANGES.  so even if you finally attain the "standard" for beauty, chances are it wont be what it was when you started on your quest.  is the goal skinny?  strong? voluptuous?  is it a certain height or weight?  and who decides?  do you see where im going with this??  we have to stop comparing ourselves to other people.  period.  which is really ridiculously hard to do.  i know. but it's imperative.  because otherwise, we never get to happy.  i'm not saying you shouldn't have goals.  you should. but they should be YOURS.

every single day in the gym and in my studio, i watch people work their asses off to get better. which is awesome.  i love it.  sincerely.  i love every second of it.  BUT, (and this is a big BUT) i also see how we beat ourselves up.  because look at her.  and her.  and her.  i know i've made a lot of progress but LOOK AT HER.  can we please STOP looking at HER.  SHE is looking at someone else.  believe me.  THERE IS NO PERFECT HER.  what i think is attractive and what you think is attractive are probably completely different.  you will always be too fat, or too skinny, or too muscular, or too flabby for SOMEONE.  but for someone else, you just might be perfect.  do i think we need to be concerned about our health?  yup.  do  i think you need to exercise?  absolutely.  do i care if you can bench press your weight?  nope.  but what do you care what i think anyway?  because even if I think you are absolutely perfect, you can bet the girl one bench or treadmill over is still critiquing you.  YOU HAVE TO LET IT GO!

Grace is within you. If it were external, it would be useless. ~Ramana Maharshi

why should you try to improve yourself?  because YOU want to.  because you want to be healthy for your kids or your spouse.  because you want to compete at a certain level. because you're fighting a losing battle with age and metabolism.  or you want to kick ass in a bikini.  it doesnt matter why.  it only matters that the REASON is YOURS.  and that you measure your progress by YOU.  not society.  not tv.  definitely not victoria's secret.  just YOU.  how do you YOU feel?  if you feel great, then EFF everyone else.  seriously.

we can do this.  we really can.  its time to stop the madness, people.  embrace your gifts. whatever they happen to be.  because we ALL have gifts.  its time to put a little more focus on what you ARE, and less on what you are NOT.

UN-Valentine's Day

For anyone who has lost a loved one, holidays are especially challenging.  When everyone else is happy and celebrating, you are thinking "this would be so much better IF ONLY".  It's the "if only's" that really get us.  If only i had known that she wouldn't be here, what would i have done differently.  If only i had known this would be the last easter/christmas/newyears/birthday i would have done a better job at letting her know i loved her & appreciated her.  if only i had taken more pictures or stored more memories....paid more attention when we were doing all the seemlingly normal things we did together.  then MAYBE it would be easier to understand or easier to take when days like today roll around.  not that we dont miss her all the time.  but some days are just plain harder than others.  this is one of them.

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.“ – Kahlil Gibran

for us, valentine's day is particularly difficult because it is Tiff's birthday.  and as anyone who knew her well, knows, we have ALWAYS had to celebrate her birthday over and above any kind of hearts and flowers holiday!  so the days leading up to valentines day are not full of what should i get or where should i go. they are full of UGH i hate valentines day.  its so hard. why is everyone else so damn happy, when i am just so sad?   I DREAD IT.  kind of for me.  but mostly for kris....and jim.  its a double whammy. because you cant get away from it.  its EVERYWHERE. hearts and flowers and romance and lovey dovey stuff oozing from everything!  i know like every holiday, its overcommercialized, but WOW is valentines day off the hook - or maybe it just seems that way now.  either way, you can feel the date LOOMING for weeks.  and then you wake up to all this sunshine & light from all these people who just DONT understand that today is NOT a fun day.  but it is....for them.

Every life has a measure of sorrow, and sometimes this is what awakens us. Steven Tyler

that's where the next step starts - coping.  every year (i hope) it will get easier.  but this will ALWAYS be Tiff's day.  kris will always wake up sad. and i will always make a big production of NOT celebrating valentine's day.  i think i've decided to treat it more like a cross between easter & halloween.  cuz that's about as far away from hearts and flowers as you can get.  i made up baskets of candy (mostly easter because our crazy ass stores cant wait to put easter candy out) and im throwing a big old drunken blowout. because why not.  why not try to make this day about something at least a little fun.  tiff would appreciate that i think.  she was always up for a party. and at some point we have to start figuring out how to stop hating this day.  maybe eventually our new UN-valentine's tradition will start to take away some of the sting.  maybe it will never go away....i guess only time will tell.

in the meantime, for so many different reasons, i'm joining the land of Vday haters.  i dont need one day to show everyone how much i love them.  if i've learned nothing else from losing tiff....and aunt bobbie, it's that EVERY day should be valentine's day.  life is a funny, hard, complicated mess most of the time.  but even so, its full of amazing people EVERY DAY who make you smile, laugh and feel loved.  i hope you take the time to tell them that when it happens.  don't wait for one special day.  because the meaning of that special day can change in an instant.  

today is the day i'm going to stop trying to think "if only" and start thinking "i'd better".  i'd better say i love you when i think it.  reach out and not hold back. stop waiting for a better time or a better way to express myself.  i'm not always the best friend or wife or mother out there.  but i truly do appreciate each and every one of my friends and family.  you all bring something completely UNIQUE to my life and if i haven't said it before, i'm sure i meant to....i love you. thank you for being who you are, and being in my life.

“Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” ― Franklin P. Jones

happy UN-valentine's day to you all :) ...... the party starts at 8!

turning points

i dont think you ever realize the significance of things as they happen.  occasionally maybe.  but not normally. life just goes on its daily path.  but every once in awhile something happens that makes you take a look back at the things that have shaped you.  and its not always what you might think.

“Who are we, if not measured by our impact on others? That’s who we are! We’re not who we say we are, we’re not who we want to be – we are the sum of the influence and impact that we have, in our lives, on others.” ~ Carl Sagan

i got the news today that my college coach lost her battle with cancer.  it was a long and painful struggle for her.  i wish i could say that i had reached out to her.  but i didnt.  i guess its safe to say that wendy and i had a VERY difficult relationship.  very.  i would say that she ranks right up there as my most controversial relationship ever.  which is saying something.  believe me.  but i would never have wished upon her the horrible struggle she went through.  i also should have reached out.  but thats for me to deal with.

really what i'm trying to come to grips with is what an influence she had on me.  i mean, i knew it at the time because it was a daily topic of conversation.  but in the end, i never could have described the lasting impact our relationship would have.  wendy was a driving force in shaping the adult i would become.  she was THE central player at one of my biggest turning points.  it goes like this.....freshman year i was one of 3 freshman to play varsity.  i was good.  certainly not the best (go monteiro!!), but competitive.  and like everyone else on the team, used to being the best player on my high school team.  so definitely cocky.  and mouthy....i'm sure you are all shocked.  i came to school in HORRIBLE shape, because i hated to run and was super fast. and i'd never really had to work that hard to be in shape.  i figured i'd be ok.  i wasnt.  which was wendy's first impression of me at school.  raw talent.  unmotivated.  out of shape.  do you think ANY of those things still apply??  because i dont.  and that's when it began.

fast forward to a fairly frustrating freshman season, where i would start and get pulled continuously.  i never lived up to her expectations, and started to find perverse pleasure in making her crazy (again, i'm sure you're shocked).  but this is where it changed.  i blew my knee out second to last game.  at cornell on their shitty turf.  which was an 8 hour drive back to school.  all of which i spent with wendy telling me i was overreacting, and that i would be fine.  she probably believed it.  probably.  but clearly my season was over.  and when we got the actual diagnosis and the date for surgery, wendy's reaction was basically a "so you wont be back".  because she didn't believe i could, or would, put in the work to make it happen.  and i'm sure she didnt even want me to. our relationship really was that bad.  i mean i could tell you wendy stories for DAYS.  most in hindsight are pretty funny.  i can only imagine what they looked like from her perspective.

this is the thing.  i can remember so clearly her writing me off.  and in that ONE MOMENT, it became the single most important thing that i prove her wrong.  and that's what i set out to do.  i became TOTALLY focused on not only being ABLE to come back and play, but being in the BEST shape of my life.  JUST so i could show up, be ready to play.....and then QUIT.  i'd show her!!  pretty stupid.  but it was a long year.  and we were having players quit left and right.  i didn't want wendy to be able to say i COULDN'T come back.  i wanted her to know that i COULD.  and CHOSE not to.  that stupid injury wasn't going to be the thing that ended my career.  no way.  i wouldnt' give her the satisfaction.

“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” ~ Albert Schweitzer

so wendy anderson changed my life.  just like that.  i busted my ass for the better part of 8 months.  i rehabbed at school - crutching to the AC in the snow every day.  sitting my ass on a stationary bike for what seemed like YEARS.  and when i got home for the summer, i TRAINED.  for the first time ever.  i ran, and lifted, and sprinted.  i pushed myself harder than i ever had.  and a week before we went back to school, i shaved all my hair off, as my final FU to my old self.  i went to camp in kickass shape.  totally ready to tell wendy to shove it.  and then i realized that all that work had paid off.  and i was ABLE TO PLAY.  so quitting would just be kicking myself in the ass.  wendy clearly didnt want me.  to actually STAYING was the better FU.  so i did :)

our relationship never got better.  but it didnt get worse.  she made me prove myself over and over and over again.  i can remember our assistant carolan telling me i had better learn a corner skill, because that was the only way wendy would keep me on the field....if she absolutely had no other choice.  so i did.  again, just to MAKE her need to play me.  how messed up is that???  maybe she really was an evil genius.  because it certainly worked.  wendy, either purposefully or inadvertantly, made me the athlete i am.  which is amazing.  considering we probably never spoke a civil word to each other after my last recruiting trip.  maybe there was a method to her madness.  god knows she got me to play.

im so sad to say i never thanked her.  and probably never gave her the credit she deserved.  and now she is gone.  i think what i learned today is that EVERYONE comes into your life for a reason.  it may not be obvious at the time what that reason is, but believe me there is one.

i tell all the girls i work with whenever i meet them for the first time, that i wish someone had started me on my path earlier.  i wish i had gone to college with any kind of exercise or fitness experience.  i'm sure so did wendy!  maybe it would have made a difference if i had been in shape when i showed up that first year.  maybe she would have hated me anyway.  i'll never know.  what i do know is that i owe her a great big thank you.  one i hope she gets, now that she has found some peace.  in its own way, strong is beautiful is the culmination of wendys influence on my life.  hows that for irony?  you just never know what someone is going to mean to you in the long run.....

so, to all of you that i have met so far on my journey, thank you for what you've done.  i wouldn't be who i am without you.  i'm truly grateful to have you.

“There is no such thing as a ‘self-made’ man. We are made up of thousands of others. Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into the make-up of our character and of our thoughts, as well as our success.” ~ George Burton Adams

reflections on getting old

Most of the shadows of life are caused by standing in our own sunshine. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

i've had the very interesting opportunity this month to spend time with 2 of my oldest friends - both of whom live 8 hours away - in different directions.  not only was it just great to be able to spend time and catch up with them, but it was also, for me, a chance to reflect.  that may also have something to do with turning 42 (ouch).

like most of us, i like to think i have a lot of friends.  people who i have met throughout all the different stages of my life....the old playgroup moms from when the boys were little.  the moms of the kids teammates and schoolmates as they grew older.  the chics from the gym and softball and soccer and all of the other things i've done over the years to fill my time.  some of whom are very good friends...and becoming those that start to fit into the "lifetime" friends group.  but a lot are just cool people who i see and talk to when the occasion arises.

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those

people who rekindle the inner spirit.  ~Albert Schweitzer

and then there are the "others"....my real friends.  as i get older its so fun and interesting to me to realize that we have this BOND.  that only time and experiences can solidify.  these are the girls i dont see very often.  but who know ME.  the real deni.  not "fun" deni.  she's easy to be friends with.  these are the "nervous breakdown" deni friends.  the ones who realize i'm actually crazy and selfish and insecure, just like everyone else.  they see past the smile and the loud mouth.  and i am so incredibly appreciative that they stick around anyway!  cuz nervous breakdown deni is WORK. if you've met her in your travels, you know what i mean.  and if you are still around after witnessing it - THANKS :).

It takes a long time to grow an old friend.  ~John Leonard

the point i'm making is that TIME breeds all kinds of feelings.  sometimes the best relationships are the new ones - they are usually more fun and exciting.  they are full of what's next and when can we hang out.  they are usually made over some common interest.  and then often, when that common interest falters, the relationships fades a bit.  its the ones that STICK after that initial honeymoon phase that really can reflect on who you are.  and even on what you bring to the table, so to speak.  i think the coolest thing about my oldest and dearest friends is that they are so different.  from each other.  and even from me in a lot of ways.  but there is a core BOND that has never broken.  and i hope never will. 


i guess that's one of the advantages of age.  you get to be sentimental and its okay.  i've had 3 people say to me in the last week "i've known you over half my life"!  which makes me feel REALLY OLD.  but also really good.  because if i've know you half your life and you are still speaking to me, i guess i'm doing ok :)  the moral of the story is that  no one gets to be 40 anything without making mistakes.  and being a bad friend.  making bad decisions or doing things you regret.  but you also dont get to that age without doing some really great things. and being a good friend.  you matter to the people who have stayed in your life.  and probably to some new ones as well.  you get to celebrate your age knowing that your life to this point is EXACTLY what you've made it.  and the people you've carried with you throughout your journey love you.  fun you.  and neurotic you.  embrace it.  LOVE IT.

The most important thing is to be whatever you are without shame. - Rod Steiger

i hope you'll think about the people in your life who stick.  they are the ones who make you feel good about being YOU.  let those friends be your reflection when you are feeling down or doubting yourself.  these people love you for all your own craziness.  and that's probably the coolest thing ever.

so as a newly minted 42 year old, i'd like to give a great big shout out to my "half my life" crew.  you may be little, but you ROCK!!  colleen & kir, jax & kris, kb & lisa......my 20 year+ vets.  i love you all!!  thanks for sticking it out for so long.  i hope at 62 we will have even funnier, and equally momentous memories to share! and i hope to be bringing a few more of you along for the ride :) xoxo

A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.  ~Lois Wyse

seasons change

To live is to change, and to be perfect is to have changed often.

John Henry Newman

Life is a funny thing.  no matter how much you think you have a handle on it, something always pops up to throw you.  or try to anyway.  the older i get, the more i learn that nothing is ever really what you expect.  sometimes thats good.  and sometimes its not.  but its always something!  and really, as much as you THINK you can prepare for whats next, you cant. maybe physically or financially.  but you cant mentally prepare for something you've never faced before.  or maybe its just me.  and i continue to be crazy.

“Nothing is more important than reconnecting with your bliss. Nothing is as rich. Nothing is more real.”  Deepak Chopra

to recap, i lost my mind and quit my job last spring.  started my training business (which i LOVE), but am not really making any money at (YET).  i also decided, quite consciously, to "take the summer off" (hence the post labor day post).  and by that, what i mean is that i went back to the days when my kids were little when my JOB was to hang out with them and take care of them.  and believe me, however sad, it's been YEARS since that was my JOB.  as your kids get older, they get easier to take care of.  they require less of your actual time - especially once you have a driver!  they dont need you to pack lunches or help with homework.  you dont need to organize playgroups or take them to the park. they do their thing, and you do yours.  and i feel like i got lost in all that.  i'm so lucky that my kids are cool.  we still did fun family things.  but somehow i felt like we were all moving in these different directions all time.  and i decided this was the summer to fix it.    and i got the added benefit of making my kids workout, so there's that :)

this is what we did,  we had family summer.  3 days a week, the boys went to workouts with me.  followed by family lunch. and by family lunch, i mean whoever happened to be at workouts!  it was AWESOME.  wakeup, workout, lunch, and home to relax.  3 day a week.  ALL SUMMER.  we ate more meals together this summer than in the last 5 years.  we had friends over EVERY DAY.  we went school shopping.  and to the pool.  we even managed a quick beach thing.  but more than that, it was the everyday lunch thing that reconnected us. if you worked out, you got to come to lunch.  if not, you were on your own.  its funny how FOOD motivates everyone in my house!!

What greater blessing to give thanks for at a family gathering than the family and the gathering.  ~Robert Brault

in reality, what this summer did (i hope) was remind me and the kids that our family is pretty cool.  and home is a great  place.  so when they leave, they know they always have a place to come back to.  not because they need to....but because they want to.  we dropped jake off at Clemson with the knowledge that we would always be there for him. but that he probably wouldnt need us to be. he is taking his next step.  one i am confident will lead to a very bright future.  and one i'm pretty sure will never again include family summer.  so we took it while we could.  and hopefully when he looks back, it will mean as much to him as it did to us.

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.--Alan Cohen

so there you have it.  seasons change.  one my babies has left the nest.  the most difficult question i get asked pretty much daily is "how you doin mom?".  how am i doing?  i'm doing ok.  honestly probably better than ok.  do i miss jake?  sure.  but we facetime.  technology ROCKS!  is it different?  absolutely.  but just like everything else, life goes on.  it may go on differently, but it keeps on going.  its just the next "new" normal for us.  luke gets to be the BMOC for a little while.  josh has the xbox to himself.  the house is a little quieter. there's a little less fighting (who knew jake was the culprit there??), but mostly its just life.  i used to hate that saying "it is what it is".  but its kind of true.  we knew jake was leaving for college.  we planned and worked and prepared for it FOREVER.  but mentally you cant be ready for it.  and it was hard to drop him off.  but its also SO COOL!  he's starting this next incredibly interesting new chapter of his life.  and so are we.  by the end of the fall, we will have ANOTHER driver. and another set of worries.  its just whats next.  i know its coming ,but that doesnt make it any easier to watch luke drive off alone for the first time.  like with everything else, i just have to hope that we've done our best to prepare him for his next step.  like always.  parenting is an imperfect science.  and its never ending.  sometimes you just might need to hit the pause button.  spend a minute and reconnect with the kids you've dedicated so much to raising.  it's totally worth it.  i promise.  you never know what's next for them.....or for you.

Celebrate each season, for you too, are transformed with the turns of the earth.--Arthur Dobrin

on fathers day

there is so so much i have saved up to write about....prom, senior night, graduation....the list goes on.  but while i've been LIVING it, i havent really had time to reflect or write about any of it.  i hope to get back to that in the near future.   but as it goes with me these days, an occasion pops up that i feel compelled to write about at the time.  you would have thought it would be graduation.  but no.  i guess i'm trying to NOT think so hard about that!!

today is for the dad's out there.  who are doing their jobs, helping to take care of their families.  and generally being overall awesome guys.  we couldnt do it without them.  or if we could, it wouldnt be nearly so great.  that's not to say i dont appreciate what single parents go thru.  i cant imagine trying to do the work of 2 people all the time.  but i also dont think the dads that stick get nearly enough credit.  its not easy.  none of it is.  just like all the amazing moms out there, these dads are working, running, juggling and most times being nagged within an inch of their life while doing it.

He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.  

~Clarence Budington Kelland    

i have been blessed in my life to have the most amazing father in the whole wide world.  whether my mom agrees on anything else or not, there is no arguing that.  he worked hard, he spent time with me.  he came to every single thing i ever did....and still does.  if you live anywhere near good old chuck county, then you know my Pop.  hes the absolute greatest. and not just because he was there everyday.  but because he took the time to show us what it meant to work hard and earn the things you wanted.  he taught us that hard work,
while important, wasnt everything.  he encouraged us to play, and compete.  and he was there to discipline us when we messed up.  which clearly isnt the fun part of the job.  but he did it.  i'm super glad to say my dad is one of my very best friends in the world. NOW.  but not when i was young.  when i was little, he was my DAD.  with big capital letters.  he dropped the hammer when necessary.  he made it clear when you were not doing things right.  he was THERE, day in and day out, for the good, the bad and the ugly.  he helped mold me into the woman i am today.  and he set high expectations.  he did his job. and if i do say so myself, he did it spectacularly.  so thanks for that pop.  you're the greatest :)

in probably the 2nd coolest twist of fate ever, i also happened to MARRY the best dad in the world.  crazy huh?  while i happen to think i'm a pretty good mom, my kids absolutely would not be the men they are today with their dad.  his is the yin to my yang.  we are point and counterpoint in this house.  but it works.  because at the end of the day, whether or not we agree on ANYTHING else, we agree on what we want for our boys.  and THAT is what makes kb so amazing.  our boys ALWAYS ALWAYS come first for him.  i know there are other dads out there that can say the same.  and i'm glad.  but maybe not enough.  and maybe not to the same extent.

kris was the 23 year old dad that stayed home alone at night with his firstborn, so i could work.  he did the whole bed/bath routine with jake for YEARS.  he was a solo parent on weekends for the first 6 years of our boys lives.  he did gymboree and trips to the zoo.  and as the kids got older, he never slacked off.  those early years set the tone for us.  kris has never skipped anything.  because he knows how important it is for him to just BE THERE.  for the kids to look up at games and awards and school functions and see BOTH their parents.  their success is equally important to both of us.  and kris has made these boys his number one.  i know they appreciate it now. but i'm even more sure that when they are grown they will easily say that their dad made them the men they've become.

The words that a father speaks to his children in the privacy of home are not heard by the world, but, as in whispering-galleries, they are clearly heard at the end and by posterity.  ~Jean Paul Richter

now kb wears many hats.  its hysterical to me that my kids call their dad COACH.  but there you go.  they have this amazingly super cool relationship that extends the normal boundaries.  but they couldn't have this one, if the foundation hadnt been there from the beginning.  kris is loved because he gives love without question.  he is respected because he has earned it by being there, day in and day out.  he is truly a gift to my kids and to me, and i KNOW we dont tell him enough.  i know i take it for granted that he will be there for me and them every day. and i shouldnt.  which is why THIS is the thing that's important enough to break my radio silence.

parenting is hard.  its the hardest job in the world.  there is no right answer and four million different ways to do it. and all with no guarantee.  what i've come to realize lately, in no small part due to the fact that jake is getting ready to fly the coop, is that anything i may be proud of regarding my kids is COMPLETELY due to what we've done TOGETHER.  kris gets a ton of credit for being a coach.  and he is a hell of a coach, dont get me wrong.  but he's a better dad. and i just think today, as we spend another father's day sitting on a lacrosse field, he gets acknowledged for what he does OFF of it.

so....happy fathers day kb.  you are the very best dad in the whole wide world.  i hope you know how much we love you and appreciate you.  none of us would be who we are today without all you've done and been and given to us all these years.

today and everyday, you are our hero :)

"In the baby lies the
future of the world.
Mother must hold the baby close
so that the baby knows it is his
world 

but the father must take him to
the highest hill so that he can see
what his world is like."

- Mayan Indian Proverb

thank you for encouraging our boys to FLY

thoughts for mothers day

The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love,which includes not only others but ourselves as well.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross 

you may or may not have noticed the hiatus in writing.  basically i just decided to spare you all the million obsessive things running thru my mind as we prepare for graduation.  for those of you that have been there, you know what i mean.  and for those of you who haven't, i dont want to make you dread it any more than you probably do.  so its better that i just maintain some radio silence on the subject.  but i dont want mothers day to go by without some kind of acknowledgement to all the amazing women i know who are on the "front lines" every day - trying to be the best they can be and to raise incredible children.  its a tough job.  it requires daily diligence.  and often has more challenges than rewards.  but its the best job going.  so here is my small tribute to all the other moms out there.  wrapped in the lesson that i have finally learned.  and even though it took me a really, ridiculously long time - i'm so glad to say with my whole heart, i get it.

i think as women, one of our biggest faults is that we are critical.  of ourselves and each other.  we look at everyone else as the measuring stick of our performance.  as friends, wives, sisters and especially mothers.  we look at the stay at home moms who bake and go on field trips and feel like we should be doing more.  we look at the working moms who are setting an example of independence and success and think we need to BE more.  we look at the women who find time to go to the gym, cook dinner every night and keep their houses clean and think we need to figure out how to be more motivated.

when the absolute reality is this:  we are ALL doing the best job that we can.  we are ALL making the choices that we feel are best for our families and ourselves.  no one sets out to be a bad mom.  or a bad wife.  or a bad friend.  no one wants to feel inadequate or judged.  yet we are all made to feel that way at certain points.  whether by someone else or by ourselves.  because the other truth is that we can always do or be more.  ultimately finding the balance between what makes you happy and brings your family success is entirely up to you.  and once you realize THAT, it gets way easier to find it.

When we do the best that we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of another.  HELEN KELLER

i've heard a lot of different things about why i was going to love being 40.  you know most of it is BS.  my skin is weird and my hair is gray and i have to fight way harder to look the way i want.  i still have all the same crazy money struggles and life challenges i've always had. but the one thing that IS true about 40.....i'm way more appreciative than i ever could have been in my 20's or 30's.  i value time.  and i am a great deal more AWARE about how i spend it.  i'm at a place where i realize that my parents are getting older - and wont be here forever.  and where my kids are getting ready to leave me.  so finding some peace about ME is essential.  THAT is what has been cool about this age.  and i recognize it in so many other people in my life.  

i was talking to an acquaintance this week about kids and graduation and all the normal stuff.  high school drama and all that goes along with it.  and when i shared with her what we deal with in our house, she said "wow, i'm so glad to hear that - i thought your kids had it all together".  appearances are deceiving.  no one has a perfect life.  there is no such thing.  we all have challenges.  how we choose to address them is what matters.  because believe me - we ALL could use a hug now and then.

Love thy neighbor, and if it requires that you bend your understanding of the truth, the Truth will understand.  ~Robert Brault

so on this mothers day eve, i want to say to all of you amazing women who are fighting the good fight every single day .... I APPRECIATE YOU.  i may not agree with everything you do.  i may make different choices for my kids.  but it doesnt matter.  I APPRECIATE YOU.  because you are doing the hardest, most important job in the world.  and you are doing it to the best of your ability.  dont let anyone tell you any differently.  dont let anyone tell you how you are choosing to do that job is not the right way.  there is no right way.  that's why its so easy to feel like you are making mistakes.  there is no handbook for dealing with fussy babies or hormonal teenagers.  there is no rulebook for how often you should volunteer at school or take your kids to the movies.  this is a fly by the seat of your pants, on the job training kind of job.  and it never ends.  there are no vacations or time outs.  you dont get time to regroup.  all you can do is live each day, and make the best choices you can at any given time.  dont let anyone judge you for that.  

Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together.  ~Pearl S. Buck

if i have one wish for all of us as we get older its that we take a little time out of our incredibly crazy lives to be a bit more thoughtful.  about how our actions and words affect others.  and maybe take a quick second to compliment or praise instead of criticize.  its way easier to find something wrong when you compare.  i'm not sure when we are taught that if someone is doing something different than we are, then one of us must be wrong.  because thats just not true.  here is my example.  (i hope it makes you feel better)  my family has rarely eaten dinner together.  we havent sat down at a dinner table literally in YEARS.  i know the "common thought" out there is that you have to share that time together to be a "successful" family and for years i felt guilty about that.  my own family ate dinner together at our kitchen table every night.  it makes my mother crazy that we dont.  but we just dont.  it doesnt work for us.  our schedules are too crazy and its just not worth the hassle for me to try to work it out every night.  my kids are honestly lucky i still feed them (but that's another story).  the point is, according to all reports, i'm doing this wrong.  and maybe i am.  but i dont care.  i used to care.  i used to stress and worry that my kids would grow up to be axe murderers because we didnt eat dinner together.  but you know what?  i dont think they will.  and i decided to define our family time differently.  we have family fun days.  we have movie nights.  i try to make sure that we are in touch with each other on a regular basis.  and that is the best i can do. and you know what?  i think that its pretty damn good.  


my hope for you all is that you embrace what makes you different.  you celebrate what makes your family unique.  and you understand that you are the very best mom in the world.  because you give it your everything, every single day.  that's what makes you the best.  and i dont know if it matters, but i have all the admiration and respect in the world for every one of you.  so take a second tomorrow and reflect.  not only on how much you love your family, but on how much you have GIVEN them.  stop selling yourself short.  its okay to feel good about what you are doing.  you deserve it.

No language can express the power, and beauty, and heroism, and majesty of a mother's love.  It shrinks not where man cowers, and grows stronger where man faints, and over wastes of worldly fortunes sends the radiance of its quenchless fidelity like a star.  ~Edwin Hubbell Chapin