marriage is hard - 20 years later

A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time. ~Anne Taylor Fleming

I think maybe 20 years might qualify as long. Im going to go ahead and assume we qualify, since at this point kb & i have been married our entire adult lives - and that's if you consider 23 an adult.  which i clearly wasnt at the time, but certainly THOUGHT that i was.

so today we hit the miracle (in these days) milestone of 20 years.  and figured it was about time i let you guys in on the craziness that is US.  after all, i wouldnt be ME without HIM at this point.  i've officially lived with kb longer than my parents - so now it's officially his fault that im this crazy mess. 

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year. ~Paul Sweeney

Im pretty sure that anyone who knew us when we met would have given our chances at staying together about 10%.  we are from different states, with close families who wanted us home after college.  not to mention i am now and have always been a hot mess. kb is now and has always been the nicest guy in the room.  zero chance of success when looking at it from 19 year old eyes.  sure, he was (and is) super cute.  and awesome at lacrosse.  great smile.  fast as lightening on the field.  totally laid back off the field.  PERFECT college boyfriend.  right? hot, fun & friendly.  can't do any better than that.  but he was a year behind me in school and i was going back to MD and he was going back to ROCHACHA, so while we talked forever (like young kids in love do), we probably weren't serious.  life changes fast at 21.  and apparently at 22 as well.  because that's the year it became serious. i was back in MD, working in DC, buying a condo - living my post grad life.  kb was in school, doing his thing - kicking ass in lax and getting ready to graduate.  one little visit right after graduation, while he was still in RI and BANG - you guessed it.....pregnant.  hey there, reality, it's nice to meet you.  22, living in different states, barely out of school - no pressure, kb.

One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again. ~Judith Viorst

so that was our beginning.  we have literally been parents EVERY SINGLE SECOND of our 20 year marriage.  and we have been so incredibly lucky. and stupid.  we have done so many things wrong.  and we have gotten some things really right.  and this my friends, is what i've learned and what i most admire about my life and my guy, 2o years later:

• life is hard.  alot.  marriage is hard.  also alot.  but when you have a partner, its hard together. and sometimes that shared burden makes all the difference.  i find that balance is everything.  we learned VERY early on that we both couldnt be having a bad day at the same time.  it just didnt work.  we were both tired. ALL THE TIME.  kb worked days and was dad at night.  i worked nights and was mom all day.  we both slept about 3 minutes a day.  and if my husband has one serious flaw, its that TIRED is his kryptonite.  tired kris is NOT pretty.  or funny.  he's pretty mean.  maybe cranky is better - he's never really mean.  but ZERO fun.  and my kryptonite is hungry.  hangry was pretty much made up for me.  hungry deni is MEAN. seriously mean.  so we figured out pretty early on, that THIS was only going to work if we tried to avoid those things.  the good news is that kb can not eat for days, and i require very little sleep.  so when the demons came out, we were able to pick up the slack for each other.  it was our very first lesson in what it would take to weather the coming storms.  don't let kris go too long without sleep. and for god's sake feed deni.  pretty much still true today.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. ~Author Unknown

• when you are in over your head, start swimming. forget about that stupid lifeboat.  no one is coming to rescue you.  but if you keep moving, soon you will be in a different place.  it may not be better. but it will be different. and usually that's all it takes.  you guys that read this know i have had 400 different jobs.  kb has had ONE. yes i said 1. in 20 years. ok, 19.  but you get the idea.  my man is NOT going to change.  for about 100 years that drove me crazy. it was the source of a zillion fights and large amounts of angst.  unnecessarily come to find out.  because guess what.  i clearly was never, NOT EVER, going to win.  kris is constant.  so when things needed to be changed, i did it. often unpleasantly.  and i probably (or definitely) didnt appreciate what his unwillingness to change provided my family.  stability.  at the time it just seemed stubborn. looking back, i was able to take risks because i knew he never would.  there has not been one minute in 19 years that we havent had insurance.  i didnt care about that when i was 25 or 27.  but you can bet your ass at 43 i think its AMAZING.  our life for the first 10 years was all about babies.  and while we never had enough money (or thought we didnt anyway), we had security.  kb has been swimming steadily, at his pace, for 20 years.  and we are where we are because he never stopped.

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. ~George Levinger

• sometimes its not worth the fight. period. i spent a lot of time the first part of my marriage trying to change things (ie kb).  i had an idea in my head about how thing were "supposed" to be, and tried my damndest to get there.  and just like with everything else you try to force, it didnt work. and i spent a lot of time frustrated.  interestingly, when josh was about 2, i went to my pediatrician at the end of my rope. literally.  i was afraid i was going to lose my mind.  josh was the single most stubborn human baby ever born and i wanted to throw him across the room sometimes (i didnt, but i thought about it).  my super amazing pediatrician said this - DON'T fight every fight.  some things just dont matter.  only fight the fights YOU NEED TO WIN. and then WIN THEM.  light bulb.  that one piece of advice opened my eyes. not only to handling josh, but to how my hubby lived his life.  in his life, I WAS JOSH.  he only fought with me when it really mattered to him.  and he pretty much always won those fights.  clarity is pretty cool.  so i wont say we stopped fighting, but i will say it became much more normal to just say to kb - are you going to fight with me about this? and if he said yes, we just skipped the fight.  not worth the irritation and the energy.  growing up is awesome. sometimes :)

Most marriages can survive "better or worse." The tester is all the years of "exactly the same." ~Robert Brault

• whatever works, do that.  what works for us may not be what works for you.  i have no idea. but i do know that monotony kills.  between the 2 of us in 20 years we have coached about 30 teams, started 2 leagues and continued to play sports ourselves.  we are parents, friends, lovers & athletes.  why do i include athletes?  because ironically, sports in many ways has kept us together.  it has created a community of friends, provided an outlet for our kids and for us, and given us the opportunity to prove to ourselves that we can still have fun and compete.  kris & i are competitors.  and when we decided to try to NOT be those parents who lived vicariously through our kids victories, we went out to get our own.  i'm sure i spent too much time playing softball. and kris spent too little playing lacrosse. but we each had our own things.  an outlet that wasn't about the kids or the family every single second.  we have made mistakes and made compromises.  but it works for us.  all of it.  i know that because we are here. still.  after all this time.

20 years later, kris and i still fight.  he is still mean when he is tired and im still a bitch when im hungry.  we still put our kids first, and still try to find time to pursue our own interests.  kris is still constant.  and i am still crazy.  and yet, somehow it all works.  what i have really learned is that there is no right answer.  there isnt some magic formula for success.  and really success is all in your head anyway.  we havent so much managed to stay married for 20 years, as kept our unit together.  because at the heart of it all, that is what we are.  kris and i are not the measure of our success as a married couple.  our FAMILY is what matters.  the boys were ultimately the reason we first got married, and probably a million times in the last 2o years why we have let stuff go.  our unit means everything.  and i am the luckiest woman alive to have been able to live these last 20 years in this place, with this family, and this guy.  love you kb.  thank you for being my best friend, the best dad, and for NOT jumping off the roller coaster the many many times you have been tempted.

Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow. ~Swedish Proverb

on graduation....the 2nd time

“Step with care and great tact, and remember that life’s a great balancing act.” dr seuss

on the eve of my second son's high school graduation, i thought it only appropriate to ponder what i have learned since the first.  because this experience, like all others, is unique and yet it represents something that we have already gone through.  and it is interesting that my thoughts this time around are pretty different from the first time.  i probably should have gone back to read my original, but i didnt.  because i want this to come from where i am RIGHT NOW.  not where i was back then.  if that makes sense.

the biggest thing i have learned since Jake left for college is that graduation is just another step. its a big one.  but its not THE big one.  which i think we all thought it would be.  i mean, come on.  high school graduation...that's the biggy right??  but no.  not so much.  it really is just the NEXT step on this long, winding road that we travel.  sometimes together.  sometimes apart.  but always at the same time.

“You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And you are the one who’ll decide where to go.” dr seuss

the choices you make up until your graduation set you on a path.  but it doesn't have to be permanent.  you are allowed to change you mind.  after all, it's YOUR mind.  and YOUR path.  i think sometimes we forget that.  we get caught up in what we think we SHOULD do,  but dont stop to think about what we COULD do.  maybe you have it all figured out at 18.  maybe you don't.  or maybe you just think you do.  but you absolutely DO NOT have to decide RIGHT THIS SECOND.  that's what this next step is for.  Life CHANGES.  what might be important to you at 18 will definitely change at least to some degree by the time you are 30.  and again by 40.  Adaptability is the greatest life lesson there is.  It's not just about being able to roll with the punches.  it's about being able to dish some out as well.  there will be times that call for action.  and others that call for INACTION.  this next step in your life is about figuring out the difference.  you dont have to fight EVERY fight.  and the one's you choose to fight now, may turn out to be ones you wish you didn't.  that's the cool thing about the journey you are on.  life literally happens all the time.  all around you.  whether you participate or spectate. or  both. and eventually you will end up in a different place from where you started.

“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory.” dr seuss

this is probably the hardest thing to understand.  all great experiences are NOT great.  some of them really and truly suck.  especially at the time. some are amazing. and of course you will remember those.  but some moments you wish for and work for just end up being kind of blah.  or disappointing. and guess what?  that is OKAY!  you do not have to love every single second of your life.  you just have to LIVE it.  absorb the experience.  learn from it.  grow when you need to.  take a minute to reflect on what it MEANS to you at the time.  it is okay to be disappointed.  we all are sometimes. but usually it is in those moments you can learn something - most of the time about yourself.  it is not up to ANYONE else to make you happy.  happy is 100% on your shoulders.  and that is a pretty big burden.  we like to throw it on others people's shoulders whenever we can.  but trust me on this - its better if YOU KEEP IT.  and while its pretty easy to be happy and kind when things are going your way, the real challenge is finding out how to be happy  and kind when things are NOT.  that right there is one of the keys to the universe.

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” dr seuss

and this is another....THIS.  RIGHT NOW.  THIS IS IT.  the big IT.  the capital IT.  the one you will spend your life looking for.  you will work for IT.  dream about IT.  and believe that having IT is right around the next corner.  the next job or accomplishment.  the next relationship or milestone.  you will spend YEARS searching for it. and hoping you will eventually get THERE.  and have IT.  guess what? there is no THERE. and there is no IT.  that thing - the elusive IT that resides in the magical THERE - is the place that you currently exist.  your whole entire freakin life.  and if you could only take a second every single day to embrace IT, acknowledge IT & honor IT, you will live a much more fulfulling life. this i promise you.  please dont spend the next 4 years pushing toward IT. and then the next 4. and the 10 after that.  ENJOY EVERY SINGLE DAY.  find the beauty in NOW.  right HERE.  with the people you are with at this very moment.  some will stay with you on the journey.  and some won't.  but they have value NOW.  and that, my friends, is MAGIC if you embrace it.

“You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And you are the one who’ll decide where to go.” dr seuss

in light of all of this here and now wisdom, i'd like to share (like i think i did at last graduation) my hopes for these seniors.  taking the next step can be awesome.  & scary.  but mainly it's just the next thing you do.  with that in mind:

BE BOLD but KIND - keep in mind that not everyone sees things the way you do.  your perspective is 100% yours.  it is okay to feel however you want to about all manner of things, but try to do so with an open mind.  most people come into their way of thinking thru experience.  you can not force someone to your side.  its okay to vehemently disagree, politely.

BE ADVENTUROUS but AWARE - try new things.  be open to new experiences.  each one will add to the story of your life.  but be smart.  not all adventures are good ones.  keep your eyes open and watch for the red flags.  usually if you see one, you should heed its warning.

BE WILLING TO CHANGE  YOUR MIND - right isnt always right. sometimes its right at the moment.  and sometimes its just plain wrong.  its okay to learn new things.  or have someone else change your outlook or perspective. we all evolve.  its okay to do that.  in fact, its awesome.  no one is always right.  even if you think you are :)

BE WILLING TO MAKE MISTAKES - we all do.  it's the fear of them that often keeps us from stepping out of our comfortable little boxes.  its okay to make mistakes.  you learn more from those that you do from all the smooth sailing.  we all hear those adages about failure.  fail better.  thats what mistakes are.  just learning curves. and i hope you never, ever stop learning.

BE FRIENDLY - for goodness sake, be nice.  make new friends. the world could use a whole lot more nice.  be the change and all that.  friends are good. they dont have to be forever friends.  but you never know - they might be.  and you get to collect all these amazing people all along your journey.  keep your eyes open for them. and bring them with you.  you carry your people with you every day forward.  some in your heart. and some in your head.  because almost all of your friends will either add to your joy or teach you a lesson.  both are invaluable.

BE PREPARED - nothing bad ever comes from being over-prepared.  okay maybe a little stress is added.  but it's way better to be a little stressed getting ready for something, than totally freaked out trying to adjust to something you are not ready for.  THINK.  you have a brain.  USE IT. in advance.

“You’ll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut.” 

dr seuss

CHOOSE HOPE - life can change in an instant.  dont wait for the shoe to fall.  embrace your moments.  plan for the future but live in the now.  your life will be made up of all of your NOWS.  don't forget to live them.

And to my own special graduate let me just say this:  i love you luke. i hope all of the steps on your journey take you places where you are happy, learn cool things, and bring you back home richer for all the experiences you have while you are gone.  i couldnt love you more or be prouder of the man you are.  keep doing your thing.  oh & go hokies :)

on being the 2nd son

 You don't raise heroes, you raise sons.  And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes.  ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.

It's never easy to be in the middle.  of anything.  we avoid getting stuck in the middle of situations pretty much at all costs.  imagine being born there.  forever in the middle.  how you deal with that is the reflection of your character when you are born a middle child.  it's never just you.  and its amplified when you are all boys.  how do you make your mark as the 2nd son?  you arent the first to do anything, or the last.  you become defined by how you carve out your own place in the MIDDLE of the chaos around you.

And chaos certainly describes our house.  from the very first, Luke has had to establish his position. he is surrounded by loud, dramatic & fiesty at every turn.  he is the CALM in our storm.  Luke grounds us as a family.  He is the most consistent, and the most strong.  He literally defines the word UNFLAPPABLE.  which is a gift around here, believe me.  All of our kids are amazing.  We love them all, but each is unique.  It's the quiet ones that often are underestimated.  Or under appreciated.  Luke's approach, i think, has always been to go his own way.  he has been his own man from birth.  everyone's favorite picture and story of luke is from PRE-SCHOOL.  he did NOT want his picture taken.  and in his own, already ridiculously stubborn way, he made it known.  when i FINALLY got him (yes, my 4 year old) to agree to actually go to school on picture day, he said "fine.  but i'm not going to smile".
and here you have it...... 

this is what we got back from picture day....THAT LOOK, RIGHT THERE.  THAT is Lucas Bayer. I meant what i said. PERIOD.

i think the best part about that picture, aside from how damn cute it is, is that it absolutely captured a moment in time that somehow defined my boy.  he is respectful.  he will do what you ask, even if he doesnt want to.  but he is always going to find a way to let you know how he really feels about it.  never ever underestimate him.

There is no road too long to the man who advances deliberately and without undue haste; there are no honors too distant to the man who prepares himself for them with patience. Jean De La Bruyere

Slow & Steady wins the race.  Luke is the master of that.  You can count on him to get done what needs to be done 100% of the time.  He is just going to do it in his own way.  and on his own time.  trying to speed him along is like banging your head against a rock.  repeatedly.  zero fun. and totally ineffective.  and the best part is that he enjoys watching you try.  especially when it comes to his brothers. they do everything they can think of to fire him up.  sometimes they even succeed.  but it usually doesnt end well.  i think people mistake luke alot.  they think he is quiet or shy.  and he absolutely isnt.  what he is, is PATIENT.  he bides his time.  he's learned that from a life of just waiting out his brothers.  EVENTUALLY they run out of steam.  and that's when he gets you.  Luke is one of the funniest people i know.  he has an infectious laugh and a wicked sense of humor.  you just have to wait for it.  and a lot of people just dont.

we live in a world of NOW NOW NOW. Luke lives in a world of whenever.  he was impossible to punish as a child because he just didnt care a whole lot about things.  or going anywhere. or playing video games.  he was, and still is, content with himself.  if i said, go to your room, he would say "ok" - and go take a nap.  LAID BACK at its finest.  frustrating as a parent.  but what an awesome way to handle stress.  it's like he totally understands that he does something wrong, and accepts whatever the consequence is.  no harm, no foul mom.  you can see in his shrug that he just GETS IT.  why fight it?

this is not to say luke is perfect. although i think he is pretty darn close.  he is wickedly smart, and ended junior year tied at #1 in his class.  when you ask him if he wants to be valedictorian, his answer is, i don't really care.  and he doesn't.  labels mean nothing to him.  he KNOWS he's smart.  he has nothing to prove.  and THIS is what i feel the most pride in him for.  in this age of validation in every form, luke doesn't need it.  his quiet confidence SHINES from him in every way.  he knows who he is and what he wants to accomplish.  he applied to ONE school.  who does that?  because he knew it was the right fit, and has nothing to prove to anyone but himself.

No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path. Buddha

today is his 18th birthday.  the beginning of his "adult" life.  and while graduation looms on the horizon, this isn't the blog for that.  this is about appreciating all the joy he has brought to us throughout his childhood.  and recognizing what makes him completely unique.  lLuke literally rises above the craziness.  he blocks the noise and gets it done.  whatever IT is.  he is someone you can count on 100% of the time.  i dont think there's a better thing to be able to say about someone.

today i just want to say thank you, Lucas.  for always being YOU.  for doing your own thing.  being your own man.  i know we don't always agree.  i know your brothers drive you absolutely crazy.  but we all love you.  and we appreciate you.  most of all we SEE you.  we KNOW it's not easy always being in the middle.  other people may compare you.  but we don't.  we don't need to.  because you are, always have been, and always will be YOU.  and you absolutely ROCK.  100% of the time.

The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively. - bob marley

luke, you are already a great man.  and i love you more than i can possibly say.

reflections on a learning year

The most useful piece of learning for the uses of life is to unlearn what is untrue. ~Antisthenes

To say 2014 was an interesting year for me is a very mild understatement.  but if i had to sum it up in one word, it wouldnt be good or bad....it would have to be educational.  i cant remember a year where i learned so much -about myself, my friends, my family and what matters at the end of the day.  so in this way, while i have had a few rough patches, it has been an incredible reminder of how fortunate i am, and why.

i think a lot of us spend our adult lives drifting.  we do the things we think we are supposed to do - go to work, take care of our kids & houses, go out occasionally with friends - but most of it is just habit.  the things we have been doing for so long we cant remember why we CHOSE to do them in the first place.  we lack the JOY in the everyday.  life can be tough.  money is tight.  our kids need more & we are so stretched by the demands we have on us, that sometimes we cant SEE the forest, much less the trees.  and definitely not any of the light that peeks thru.  maybe this is not true for you.  i hope its not - i hope every one of you sees the blessings around you every day.  but i know for me, this year was a struggle to see them.

as with most things, it starts with work.  i've written a million times about my lifelong challenge with work.  this year was no different.  and what i did, which was the precursor to a millon small disasters, was cave to my internal pressure to get a "real" job.  again.  my messy mind goes something like this - next year we will have 2 kids in college with no forseeable way to make that work - start crazy panic mode.  get mad at husband because somehow he should be able to magically fix this (right??).  come to the conclusion that the only way for us to make ends meet is for me to get ANOTHER job.  because what really happened was, SiB hit a huge bump in the spring.  we had a super fun winter leading up to spring sports.  i thought FINALLY i had found my niche.  and let myself think that my business would magically sustain itself.  after all, i showed up everyday, i worked hard.  why wouldnt it.  because i didnt have a PLAN (like a dumbass) for what would happen when the season started and all my clients went away.  so what did i do?  in pretty spectacular fashion, i gave up.  which is pretty hard to admit, but sets the stage for why the rest of the year was such a challenge.  i felt like a failure.  i took a job i didnt want because i didnt know how to FIX the one i had.  and it sucked.  probably because i didnt want to be there.

Supposing you have tried and failed again and again. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down. ~Mary Pickford

i'm sure you will be surprised to hear that THIS made me MISERABLE. and MEAN.  two words i have not associated with myself in a long time.  but unhappy has a way of making itself known.  but THIS - this awful horrible ugly place - was where i found the light.  they say (you know, the mysterious they) that you learn more about your friends and yourself when times are bad, when YOU are at your worst.  the people that stick - THOSE are YOUR people.  they are the ones who know you aren't always nice or fun - actually can be a stone cold bitch - but they STICK anyway.  because they know that you are having a tough time and they CHOOSE to ride out the storm.  and when you come out on the other side, its AMAZING how you value that lesson.

and sometimes all it takes it ONE MOMENT of clarity for everything to change.  you find yourself at a really low place, but when you look around - you arent alone.  YOUR people stuck.  and you realize that like everything else, THIS awful ugly place is a CHOICE.  and you can get out.  so i did.  really just like that.  it wasnt easy.  it wasnt all sunshine.  but what it was, was FREEING.  i finally got to really THINK about what made me happy.  and what was dragging me down.  and i started to FIX the things that i had broken.  i quit that awful job. and rededicated myself to SiB.  i rediscovered my PASSION for fitness in that dark place.  because exercise has ALWAYS helped me pick myself up.  THAT is what i am meant to do - help other people find THAT.  it only took me 43 years to figure that out.

When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind. ~Seneca

obviously everything isnt always sunshine and light.  but its amazing to me how much lighter i feel ON THE INSIDE after letting go off all of that negative energy.  i lost some things i thought were important in 2014 - some friends, a team, maybe even a whole hobby.  but what i gained was so so worth it.  i gained PERSPECTIVE.  and re-found my bliss :)  i discovered who sticks.  and i realized that it was up to ME to NOT to let the darkness win.  so i didnt!

as i look at 2015, i cant believe what is coming my way.  an 8th grade promotion.  a high school graduation, and a college graduation (yes, already).  2015 has SO MUCH potential for greatness, and i will not be the one who drags it down!!


i learned in 2014 that i can move on.  i learned that i can go back.  i learned that failure doesnt have to be final unless you let it.  and i learned to snowboard.  sounds like a pretty solid year after all.

Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

inflaming the masses

 NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEM.....just think about that for a second.....let it sink in.  regardless of your political affliation or leaning, really give that statement some thought.  MASS GENOCIDE....vs POSSIBLY questionable political policies and motives, depending on your point of view.  think for a second about the INFLAMMATORY nature of that statement, and what the people advocating it are trying to accomplish.....and then ask yourself if THIS website is the source of unbiased, fact-based information.....

"I told her straight up ‘you could take that Muslim-loving piece of paper and shove it up your white [expletive],” Kevin Wood said in an interview. “If [students] can’t practice Christianity in school, they should not be allowed to practice Islam in school.”

http://misguidedchildren.com/domestic-affairs/2014/10/maryland-school-bans-marine-veteran-over-daughters-homework/31915

 this article is what started this whole crazy mess.  produced by this incredibly flattering website.  i can definitely see why all the mainstream news media decided to pick it up.  i mean, you definitely can not find ANYTHING remotely disturbing by the source.  it seems a completely fair account of what is happening, dont you think?

this past week has been a revelation in our small community.  as i'm sure you may have noticed, since we have made the front page many news outlets, ONE parent is very VERY disgruntled with the 11th grade world history curriculum.  WORLD HISTORY curriculum.  His response to his daughters homework assignment was to A} refer to it as muslim propaganda, B} call the school and VEHEMENTLY scold the vice principal over the assignment, and C} threaten to reign a shitstorm the likes of which they had never seen down on the school if they did not cave to his demands.  which resulted in a "no-trespass" order for this parent.  and a week of upheaval for the staff and student body, who have been inundated with calls and articles about this "travesty".

i am publishing a few comments, just to put this in some context of why this is disturbing.  some of my favorites:

"called administrator and made contact with enemy"

"i told her under no circumstances she my daughter learning about some fucked up religion"

"i ended with saying, stop teaching shit about Johnny Jihad and teaching about American History!"

and yes....these are quotes.  Starting again with the fact that this is a WORLD HISTORY course, and that this assignment is in the context of the study of the Middle Eastern culture and the formation of its empires.  which obviously addresses religion.  just as the study of the CRUSADES addresses Christianity, and the study of the REFORMATION addresses Protestantism.  among other things, religion is one of the largest influencing priniciples THROUGHOUT history.  it is by no means an indoctrination of ANY of these religions.  it is simply educating our children within the CONTEXT of HISTORY.

"This is a world history class,” Simpson explained. “We are not teaching religion. Part of those world history studies involves the economics of a region and part of that is the religion which relates to the economy of that part of the world. In the Middle East, Islam is the only religion and it contributes greatly to the economics of the region."

now i am not saying parents are not allowed to question curriculum.  but that is what the school board is for.  and its also what concepts like PRIVATE SCHOOL and HOMESCHOOLING are for.  if you do not like the manner in which your child is being educated, then it is your responsibility as a parent to rectify that.  HOWEVER, it is never okay to do so in a confrontational, exploitative manner.  it is also not okay to demand a new assignment if you dont like the current one - believe me, if that were the case, the entire CORE CURRICULUM in 8th grade math would be something entirely different in my household.  i dont agree with it, i dont like it, i find it confusing and assinine.  but until i am willing to homeschool, this is what i am dealing with.  and we are addressing our challenges with it AT HOME.  as a FAMILY.

"My thought for the day..If you want your children to have a strong Christian faith, then teach them that, go to church, read the bible, and allow them to discover that Jesus is our Savior. It's a parent's responsibility. Once they have their own faith, facts about other religions are intriguing to the intellectual thinker." - (another facebook post, by a local parent)

my biggest issue with the way this has been handled by the parent and the MEDIA is this:  the goal seems to be to encourage discord by playing up this mans military career and the religious animosity that exists within our country.  these are the headlines:

Parent banned from La Plata HS after Islam homework dispute

Maryland School Bans Marine Veteran Over Daughter’s Homework

Father upset over Islam history lesson barred from school over threats
it seems to me that this parent threatened a shit-storm - and we are accommodating him.  which is so sad.  because i'm pretty sure that LaPlata High School is not unique.  I know our administrators and teachers receive calls EVERY DAY over homework disputes.  even assignments.  it is because THIS particular assignment addresses the HOT BUTTON of RELIGION, that it is getting national attention.  which is utterly ridiculous. and feeding into the divisive underbelly that keeps our country at odds.  we spend more time NOT listening to each other.  NOT interested in learning about what anyone else believes.  NOT compromising.  we feed the flames of animosity and then wonder why our government is ineffective.....

at the end of the day, the one single job of our educational system is to EDUCATE.  it is not to make judgements, or teach morality.  it is to provide INFORMATION in the applicable context.  and then hope that the gaps of perspective, religion, morality and ethics are filled in at home.  it is our job as PARENTS to guide our children.  it is absolutely within Mr Woods right to object to Islam.  it is his right to refuse to let his daughter do this assignment.  it is certainly within his rights to create this shitstorm for the community.  it is NOT within his rights to create a threatening environment for MY child or any of the other students at LPHS. and it is not within his rights to demand a change simply because he disagrees.  take the appropriate actions.  hire a lawyer to challenge the school board on the curriculum.  but please stop spewing hate and encouraging confrontation.  it is not just your child that is affected.  and some of us want our children to learn as much about everything as they possibly can.

Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one.

Malcolm Forbes

the art of fake nice

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.   Mitch Hedberg

this is one of those blogs that may not be for you.  its not a rant, or encouragement, or even at all positive.  so if you are looking for any of those, just stop now.  this is more of a reflection.  couched in a question.  as it applies to me, but mostly to us as a society at large.  and here is the question:  should we teach our kids to be "fake" nice?  should be learn to do it ourselves?  i guess some people are born with it.  like athletic ability or an aptitude for art.  but most people i think, acquire it somewhere along the way.  and clearly some of us don't......and while its all well and good to say "i love that you are so brutally honest", obviously its not necessarily a good thing.

now i know i normally give examples of what i mean, but this subject hits a little too close to home at the moment.  so i'm going more general.  but i hope you still get the point.  i want to know whether its better to just PRETEND to be nice.  because in the generic, lets be nice to everyone way, i think the answer is absolutely YES.  its better to be kind, right?  if you dont want to tell your friend her new hair cut is awful, you just smile and say "omg, i love it".  right?  that i dont really have a problem with.  at all.  we all do it to some degree.  little white lies to spare someone's feelings.  again, i think this falls into the lets all try to be a little nicer to each other category.

what i'm talking about is more pervasive in the "mean girl" sense.  and not that boys dont do it, but its just so much worse with girls.  i have NO IDEA why girls are so mean to each other. but we are.  and it really really sucks.  sometimes it sucks A LOT.  maybe we are insecure or jealous.  maybe we are striking first.  maybe we are just plain old mean.  i have no idea.  what i do know is that its WORSE, sometime a million times worse, when we pretend to be nice first.

i have always been a "you love me or hate me" kind of girl.  i've attributed to that mostly to that brutally honest gene that i inherited straight from my mother (thanks for that, mom).  but you always know where you stand with me.  i try to be nice.  really i do.  obviously i'm not always successful.  but what i will say about me is generally i wont say anything behind your back that i wouldnt or havent already said to your face.  i am NOT the girl to ask does this make me look fat.  because if it does, i'm going to tell you it does.  you know why?  i'd want my friend to tell me.  id rather you not lie to be nice.  you know why?  because as soon as i wear whatever that is that makes me look fat, there are going to be 5700 mean girls out there talking about how fat i look.  right?  we all know this is true.

True friends stab you in the front. ~Oscar Wilde

and i KNOW i can be mean.  it hardly makes it any better just because i acknowledge it.  the part i struggle with is knowing i have that in me and trying to be better about it.  doesnt mean i dont talk about other people or what i think their flaws are.  i'm human.  and a GIRL.  hello.  what i dont do - or try really really hard not to do - is PRETEND to be nice to them while i'm doing it.  why does this matter?  maybe it doesnt.  i dont know.  somehow it just seems wrong.

but i am obviously in the minority.  or at least it seems that way.  so maybe i'm the one looking at it wrong. my circle of friends has always been pretty small - and its getting smaller.  as ive gotten older my bullshit tolerance has lowered significantly.  and along with it, my ability to "put on" that nice face.  that doesnt mean i cant be nice (i dont think) - it just means i'm not going out of my way anymore to be nice to people who are not nice to me. i dont know.  maybe i never did.  and maybe i should.  because its becoming increasingly obvious with the onslaught of social media that "pretend" friends are the new actual friends.

Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend. ~Plautus

which is why im wondering at my advanced age, that maybe i just missed the class on this virtual friendship thing.  is fake nice a skill we are learning at the hands of the internet?  is "liking" your posts and pictures the new gateway to solving all of our friendship woes?  i can trash talk you all day, but if i "like"  your stuff, i'm still a good person? somehow i think this is what we are learning.  its a lot easier to be nice AND mean by text or type.  so we let our online personas do the work. but its misleading.  maybe.  or maybe i'm just old.

believe me, i like to be liked.  i like having friends.  but obviously not enough.  because at the end of the day, i'd rather have 4 real friends than 400 fake ones.  and i'm realizing that i'm totally in the minority in that way of thinking.  i have just come to understand that most people would rather have 400 fake friends.  400 people who will like and comment and post and smile to their face in public.  it doesnt actually matter what those people really think.  because as long as i THINK they are friends, then they are. right??

so i think its actually a new life skill.  that passed me by.  clearly.  and its one i wont be jumping on the bandwagon of.  i'll take my 4 real friends thank you very much.  and somehow, i'll try to teach my kids how to figure out the difference in this crazy world they are being raised in.  virtual reality is just that.  VIRTUAL. if all of the sudden you lose your internet connection, will you still have ACTUAL friends?  friends that will still love you when you tell them they absolutely can not wear stripes?  and friends you will love back when they tell you you are being a bitch,  or your arms look like a dudes?  THESE are the friends i want.

Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty. ~Sicilian Proverb

i think there is a fine line most everyone walks between not being mean and being fake nice.  i think in our next incarnation we should all have to wear signs.  one that will say "please be nice to me, i need the encouragement".  the other will say "save your bullshit, i dont need it".

in case  any of you are wondering - i'm wearing the 2nd one.