BE the sunshine....an intention and a tribute: 18. for the last time

Life is a long road on a short journey. ~James Lendall Basford

life has a funny way of passing by while you are busy doing other things. i would swear that it was just 5 minutes ago that i was running around like a chicken, chasing 3 young boys around. constantly feeling exhausted and yet completely entertained. years and years of travel ball schedules and juggling sports. and one by one my boys outgrew the need for that constant attention. they got drivers licenses and a bit of freedom, and slowly we seemed to no longer have that crazy constant madness. and im sure i noticed it at the time - kind of. but i didnt realize fully what it meant.

The years teach much which the days never knew. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

tomorrow is Josh's 18th. my baby. the last of my boys to pass thru to adulthood. and while nothing will change specifically tomorrow - the moment brings with it a ton of reflection. because parenting has transitioned for me from a full time job into a more consultative role. and i never really expected that. and definitely wasnt emotionally prepared for it. not that Josh doesnt need me. or the other boys for that matter. but what they need FROM me is very different these days.

my boys are all adults. legally. they have every right to just go be their own people. without my input. which is CA-RAZY. i mean, who doesnt need my input?? and this is where i start to realize that all the work i put in - all the daily lessons in right and wrong & manners & goal setting & following through - THIS is where it either worked, or it didnt. and WOW is that a humbling, and scary feeling.

A wise woman once said to me that there are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these she said is roots, the other, wings. ~William Hodding Carter

as i look back, i have to wonder if all the things i THOUGHT were important, were actually important. did i focus on the right things? did i fall short in places that are going to negatively impact them later in life? which one of my kids is going to grow up vacuuming everyday because our house was always a mess? which one will want to really learn to cook so their family will have good dinners together? which one will adopt 3 dogs because they cant imagine not having a house full of dog hair? but more importantly, will they all have the tools that they need to be successful.

not that i dont ALWAYS worry about that stuff. but now it just seems more IMMINENT. did i do a good job? did we? are my boys going to be concerned, participatory, thoughtful, respectful adults? are they going to be compassionate, and kind to others. did they learn those kinds of lessons, along with the brush your teeth, say please and thank you lessons? who knows what they actually absorbed. and now, its kind of too late to go back and try to change what i may not have done well. or even recognized. are my kids happy? i mean at the end of the day, isnt THAT the goal? but we push them in so many directions when they are young that i'm not quite sure we tell them that. just be happy. in this crazy day and age, that is hard enough all by itself.

The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been. ~Madeleine L'Engle

i can say this. not to brag. but my kids are all pretty damn cool. they are polite in the presence of adults. they talk like truck drivers in my house, but that was not a hill i chose to die on. much to the dismay of several relatives :). its all of those small choices that i stew over. did i push Jake too hard? did i provide Luke all the opportunities he should have had? did i check out on Josh? i parented them all so differently. which is a difficult acknowledgement. i felt at the time that i was doing the same things for all of them. but i wasnt. i couldnt. i stayed home for the majority of Jakes' life. he was in middle school before i ever worked at all during the day. and with that trickle down, i didnt work full time until he was in high school - but that meant that during all of those transition years, all the boys had different experiences. they had different amounts of my time and attention. and while the overall right and wrong stuff didnt change, what we focused on the daily certainly did. how much did that matter?

in the grand scheme of life, i think we did pretty good. i couldnt love my kids more or be more proud. but more than that i LIKE them. i like the adults that they are, and the men they are becoming. for all of their quirks, they are all so uniquely, independently & definitively their own men. and also the very best parts of me. and their dad. they got some of the bad things, and they are by no means perfect - but they are beautiful, incredible men. with bright futures ahead of them. and luckily for me, that means that as they need me less and less for the mundane things, my hope is that they will seek me out more and more as they start tackling this adventure on their own.

There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in. ~Graham Greene

when they were little, i lived by the "i am not here to be your friend" philosophy. parenting was a job, and one that i took very seriously. and it is definitely still a job. albeit a very different one. but now, as adults, i do get to be their friend. and that is the most amazing change. my older kids call me for advice. they call or text to chat. they share stories about work and school. and they ask me for help. but they dont really need it. and we both know it. i am evolving into an advisory role. they dont need my permission anymore. so i just have to hope and believe that everything we taught them over the years helps them to make the best choices that they can without having to ask. i mean, i hope they still ask. especially the one that still lives with me. and i expect him to. because he was raised to respect his momma. and also because she can still be pretty scary :).

as in all things in life, we are all just doing the best that we can. we all parent differently. we all put priorities on different things. we can only hope that at the end of the road, the choices we made were good ones, and that they were made with pure intentions, and an eye towards future happiness. i know that my job is not done. parenting is never done. but it does seem like its a totally different animal now. my kids dont ever HAVE to be with me. they have to WANT to be. thats the scary part. are they going to still CHOOSE to spend time here. i look at my mom and dad, whom i couldnt love any more if i tried. and realize there were years that we didnt really make the time for them that we could have. THAT is what scares me now. when they get to choose to move away, will they? and that selfish part of me argues horribly with the part of me that raised strong independent men, who dont need their mommas to be grown ass people.