21 lessons

“A man does what he must -- in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers, and pressures -- and that is the basis of all human morality.” 

John Kennedy

another milestone.  21.  its a biggie.  at 18 you send your kids out into the world hoping that you have done a good job of teaching them how to take care of themselves.  whether that is in school or at work, you just hope they know how to get wherever they need to go on time - and that they have their keys and wallet when they get there.  21 is a bit different.  by this time, they have navigated some of those waters (hopefully with success) and the next step on their journey is a bit more meaningful - and harder.  they just dont know it yet.  so on the eve of Jake's 21st birthday, i am going back to the basics....here are 21 lessons to kick off this next step of the journey.

Jake,
1. dont drink & drive.  it seems the most obvious on this day.  but its a serious thing.  you will think you are ok after a couple of beers.  you aren't.  this isnt college.  not only should you be concerned about hurting yourself, but you should be terrified of hurting someone else.  if you plan to drink when you are out - take a cab.  call uber (thank god for that lovely new company).  call your mom.  just dont get behind the wheel.  NOTHING good comes from that.

See Dick drink. See Dick drive. See Dick die. Don't be a Dick. 

2. use your head.  you are a smart cookie.  think stuff out.  walk down the path in your mind.  cause and effect.  dont jump blindly into things that you are not sure of.  if you cant make sense of something - LEARN more about it.  thats what all those brains are for.

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...” Dr Seuss

3. follow your heart.  these are often contradictory.  but sometimes you have to take a leap of faith.  you are compassionate and sensitive.  let those qualities guide you.  you may occasionally get taken advantage of. but you will also make a lasting impact on those around you.  if it feels right, do it.

“Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” – Confucius

4. do good.  i love this one.  i want you to do good in life.  succeed at your job and with your family.  but i also want you to reach outside of yourself and DO GOOD.  for the world.  or the earth. or both.  its going to take smart men who take these things seriously to make big changes.  be one of those guys.

“Do all the good you can. By all the means you can. In all the ways you can. In all the places you can. At all the times you can. To all the people you can. As long as ever you can.” John Wesley

5. seek opinions.  you dont know everything. yet.  ask for people with more experience than you.  or just DIFFERENT experience.  your perspective comes from your life experiences.  and there are a lot of different ways to go out there.  it never hurts to get more than one point of view.  be open-minded.  thats never ever a bad thing.

Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk. ~Doug Larson

6. value what others bring to the table.  you are not going to be great at everything. you can always bring your best, but sometimes your best wont be as good as someone elses.  and thats fine.  if you learn to work with others, and are not threatened by their gifts, you have already won the battle.  true leaders bring people together.  they create teams whose talents compliment each other.  do THAT.

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent. ~John Donne

7. take care of your body.  you only get one of those.  sometimes you wont want to eat right or work out.  and thats ok.  as long as its temporary.  if you look at fitness as a lifelong endeavor, it will be one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.  dont take your good health for granted.  make yourself a priority NOW - not later, when the damage is done.

To keep the body in good health is a duty, otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear. - Buddha

8. find humor whenever you can.  if you can learn to laugh at the situation, rather than get angry, you will lead a much happier life.  shit happens.  take the time to laugh about it. never lose your love of ridiculous comedy.  never stop sharing it with your brothers.  dont be offended when people laugh when you fall. it looks funny.  be okay with that.  MAD only ever makes things worse.

"A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done" - Dwight D. Eisenhower

9. dont take yourself too seriously.  you are a serious guy.  with serious plans. and that is a good thing. but remember that not everything will go your way. and you cant make it go the way you want it by sheer force of will.  you are human.  just like the rest of us. and that is ok too.

“The cleverest of all, in my opinion, is the man who calls himself a fool at least once a month.” Fyodor Dostoevsky

10. realize you will change.  be ok with it.  in political terms we like to call it flip-flopping.  ladies just like to call it changing our mind.  but in reality, you will see things differently as you grow up. as your life circumstances change.  your priorities shift. and sometimes things that made perfect sense at 21, dont really look so great at 45. you are allowed to change your mind.  and your priorities.  you are allowed to change anything.

If you don't like how things are, change it! You're not a tree. Jim Rohn

 11.  make mistakes & learn from them.  dont be afraid to take action.  you will make bad choices.  you will have regrets.  thats just a part of life.  but if you can look back and learn from those choices, then they werent really mistakes at all.  every thing that happens to you affects the things that come after it.  they all lead you somewhere.  embrace that.

A man's mistakes are his portals of discovery. - James Joyce

12.  be kind. everyone you know is doing the best that they can.  it took me a really long time to get this one.  just because someone is doing something you disagree with, it doesnt make them bad or wrong.  it just makes them different. if you can be kind to a stranger, then you can be kind to anyone.  give your loved ones and friends the benefit of the doubt.  you can be mean in your mind if you have to.  just keep it to yourself.  nothing good ever comes from mean, either.

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. ~Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama

13. be open to new experiences.  step out of your box.  we like our boxes because they are comfortable.  and cozy.  dont stay there all the time. every now and then you need to do something that challenges you. whether physically or emotionally.  test your boundaries.  expand your box. the bigger your box, the more stuff that fits in it.  dont be satisfied with the status quo.
‘The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.’Arthur C. Clarke

14. eat good food.  gone are the years of ramen noodles and mac & cheese.  those are still ok. but when you have the opportunity to try new food, DO IT.  treat dining like an adventure. it will be fun AND you will learn alot in the process.  its also a super fun way to socialize, once the newness of the drinking thing wears off.

“The secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.”

 -Mark Twain

15.  take trips. if there are places you want to go see - GO SEE THEM.  the world is a cool place.  if you go one new place every year, imagine all the interesting things you will see in your lifetime. you wont love all of them.  but you will experience amazing things.  dont look back at your life and wish you would have gone somewhere.  GO.

“A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are built for.”

 — John A. Shedd

16. dont wait for "one day".  one day i will.....  the biggest mistake of youth is thinking that you will always have time one day.  guess what?  this is one day. and so it tomorrow. if you dont do those things you are waiting for now, you probably never will.  life gets more complicated.  schedules get worse. jobs get harder to take time away from.  set aside some time for your bucket list.  LIVE it.  dont wait until you are too old to enjoy it.

 “The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.” -W. M. Lewis

17. give of your time.  you wont always be in a position to give money.  but you can always give time.  if a cause speaks to you, try to do something about it.  you can be charitable in deed, if not financially.  one day i hope you can be charitable with your money. but that is the easy answer.  get in the trenches.  WORK for those causes that matter to you.  be present. that is how the real difference is made.

I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again. ~William Penn

18. its ok to be sad. life can be tough. and disappointing. and frustrating.  and just annoying.  you will have days when you just are not happy.  and that is OK!  you have a lot of emotions and you are supposed to feel them all.  dont bottle up feelings because you are trying to be strong.  real strength is acknowledging that sometimes we are weak.  just keep picking yourself up when you can.  and asking for help when you need it.

You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from passing over your head, but you can prevent their making a nest in your hair. - chinese proverb

19. keep your eyes on the prize.  this one you know.  life is full of distractions.  sometimes good. and sometimes not so good.  if you know the general direction you are headed, its ok to veer off course a bit. just so long as you know how to get back.  never lose sight of the big picture.

“It is not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about?” Henry David Thoreau

20. learn to bounce.  life will not go the way you want it to. or expect it to.  sometimes it will be better.  but often it will feel like its worse.  but if you can learn to look around, find the lesson or opportunity and then pick yourself up, you will never be at the mercy of fate.  if you can figure out how to just say to yourself "ok this happened, what's next", you will always bounce back.

“If the wind will not serve, take to the oars." - Walt Whitman

21. sing anyway. life is hard.  which is a tough lesson at any age.  you have experienced personal frustrations and disappointments.  you have suffered loss.  those things never stop happening.  you can not let the bad things outweigh the good.  reach for those things that motivate you to move beyond the hurt and the sad and the mad.  because at the end of every day, when it is quiet in your mind, ultimately only YOU can decide what's next.  do i let it beat me.  or do i fight thru it.  you know i will always always tell you to fight the good fight.

Some days there won’t be a song in your heart. Sing anyway.”– Emory Austin

i love you jake.  you are totally your own man and i couldnt be prouder of you.  and if nothing else comes from this, never forget lesson NUMBER ONE! happy 21 day!

pink & yellow

i HATE pink & yellow.  passionately.  i understand why millions of people feel differently.  to them pink & yellow represent sunshine and hope.  they rally behind those colors for veterans and cancer survivors.  those colors represent WARRIORS of all kinds.  and still, i hate those 2 colors.  probably more than i should. but to me, those colors represent loss. and they just make me sad.  and i hate that too.  i'm tired of being sad and heartbroken and frustrated because CANCER keeps stealing people from my life.  im sick of the word.  im tired of all of the #teams that you see day in and day out that represent yet ANOTHER victim of this horrible disease.  where does it stop??

The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it. ~C.C. Scott

tomorrow i will attend the funeral of one of the bravest women i know.  we were not super close, more casual friends.  we have a great deal of people in common and i have been a witness to her entire fight with lung cancer.  LUNG CANCER.  a 43 year old non-smoker.  who leaves behind 3 children, a husband, and an array of devastated family members.  i wish i could say i dont know what that's like. i wish i didnt know the battle they have in front of them to "carry on".  how hard this next year will be.  every "first" that is the first one without her.  but i do.  and it sucks.  i know that all we can do is be there for them. and i believe tina is truly in a better place.  no one wants to live a life in constant agony.  its not fair to bear it or to watch it happen to someone you love.  but it doesnt make it any easier to live without them.

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. ~Lamartine

the journey has already begun for Tina's family.  the hole that she leaves will never be filled.  their lives will go on. they will eventually find happiness again and return to what they consider normal.  but it will never ever be the same.  she will always be missing. her friends will still want to reach out to her. her children will think of her every time they go to do something she used to do with them. there is just no getting past the fact that she's not here.  and she should be.

Grief falls upon human beings as the rain, not selecting good or evil, visiting the innocent, condemning those who have done no wrong.  Richard Jefferies

 i know there is no right or wrong way to handle grief. just as i realize it never truly goes away.  we have ALL lost people that were dear to us, and we all learn to deal with that in our own way.  sometimes there is just no dealing with it at all.  it just exists.  grief is the new plane we exist on.  im just not sure how to process it when it keeps happening. and the outward representations of it are inescapable.  butterflies & superheroes.  ribbons of every color of the rainbow.  plastic bracelets & window stickers.  we wear our signs of grief outwardly every single day.  and once you know what you are looking at, you cant help but see them everywhere.  in one way its inspiring.  there is an army of people out there fighting the good fight.  hordes of people raising money and volunteering and walking and running for the cause.  ALL of the causes.  because thats what we do to take back some power when we feel powerless.  we try to help.

“Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love 

let me say this.  most days i am incredibly optimistic and hopeful.  i have the bracelets and butterflies and ribbons.  i even have the tattoo.  i have walked for 36 miles and run many more, in tribute and to raise money. i even started a blog :).  and ALL of these things have helped ME.  they have made me feel like i am helping in my own small way.  they helped me deal with MY grief and frustration over the loss.  and the loss.  and yet another loss.  but what they dont do and CANT do is bring anyone back.  and that is where the internal fight exists for me.  i just dont know what to do with all of this ANGER.  i dont want to buy any more pink.  or wear any more yellow.  i dont want to walk or run in memory of anyone else.  i just want this whole crazy nightmare of cancer cancer cancer to be GONE.

and i know that feeling that way wont change a damn thing.  i just feel like it needs to be said.  i know we are supposed to be positive. and encouraging. and supportive.  and we are.  but we are also just MAD.  and TIRED.  and FRUSTRATED.  and maybe every now and then we just need to share that too. so maybe we dont feel alone with all of these feelings.

my heart goes out to all of you tonight.  all of the victims of the disease.  everyone who has suffered a loss.  every family member struggling to make sense of it all.  to everyone that is still here trying to make sense of what comes next. if there is one thing i do know its this:  we are all in this together.  no one on the planet is untouched by loss.  maybe in our times of greatest weakness we can finally find some compassion for one another. and fight the fights that are important.  together.

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

2 Timothy 4:7   

what now?

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” ― Ernest Hemingway

Every time someone hears that Jake is graduating in 2 years, which is absolutely amazing (go Jake), the first thing they say after WOW is "what's he doing next?"  the assumption of course is that there is a NEXT.  and there is, for all of us, but it's interesting that any accomplishment is almost always followed by the pressure of the NEXT ONE.  how is the hell is Jake supposed to keep topping his own really cool accomplishments?  and why do we need to pressure him to do so?  the answer is, he doesn't and we shouldn't.  so please, everyone, lets just give him a second to ponder the "next" part.  pretty please!!

“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man.” ― Heraclitus

Probably the hardest thing for Jake right now is that he's coming home.  It doesn't matter that he kicked clemson's ass and is saving himself (and us) and butt-ton of money by finishing early.  He sees coming home as a step backward (even if he wont admit it to my face).  Our kids leave for college thinking when they graduate, they will be grown up. able to make it alone in the cold hard world.  independent.  and that it happens magically once they receive that well-deserved diploma.  PSYCHE.  you can see it on his face every time someone says, so what now?  the grimace before he catches it and says "well, i'll be home for a while".  Like we are all expecting my 20 year old to have an awesome job and his life all figured out by now.  Not that he doesn't have a plan.  you don't get to be Jake Bayer without having a PLAN.  in all caps.  but it's going to take some time for it to flesh out.  and that's OK.  even if he doesn't quite believe it right now.  Jake is not the same young man that left this house 2 years ago (almost exactly).  He has lived on his own, fed himself, grocery shopped, cleaned, done laundry, worked a job AND managed to finish college ahead of schedule.  He has travelled abroad and navigated the real life issues of losing bank cards, getting his scooter stolen (yes, scooter) and filing a police report, and survived a florida spring break - without getting arrested.  He is not the naive 18 year old that left.  and yet, he is still that same young man with hopes and dreams for his future - he is just one step closer to realizing them.  even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

“Sometimes it's worth lingering on the journey for a while before getting to the destination.” ― Richelle Mead

sometimes life is long.  and sometimes it's short.  depends on where you are standing at the time.  i know for jake the last 2 years have flown by, and the next 6 months will probably drag.  it all just depends on how you look at it.  what jake accomplishes in this next chapter will be no less important or significant than what he has already done.  but it will FEEL different.  because as with each step in our lives, we set our bar higher.  it's a difficult road when you are always trying to do more than you've done in the past.  somehow the status quo became a bad thing.  and that is exhausting.  and daunting.  i hope this next little space of time is one in which Jake can just take a deep breath - slow down for a just a quick minute - and appreciate all he has done to get to this place.  he gets to relax for just a bit. watch his little brother start high school.  visit his other brother at tech.  see some killer college football games at both schools.  and coach with his dad.  all very very laid back but awesome things.  this is the  year of breathing, being thankful, and gearing up.  the next step will be just as challenging as the last.  don't you worry about that.  there is no way Jake is done yet.  but the story that is his life is just beginning.  the first 20 are for learning.  you guys all know what i'm talking about.  now, the next 20 - that's where the magic happens!  it's probably a good thing that he gets to spend a little bit of time now planning - enjoying the scenery.  because i don't see much down time in his future.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

i am so proud of you Jake. but you know that.  i know that you will do big things in the future.  but you know that too.  what you may not know is that i am so incredibly happy because you are doing things YOUR way.  you take whatever life throws at you, and you mold it into what works best for you.  your DETERMINATION is what sets you apart.  it always has. and it always will.  you have fun.  you appreciate life.  you manage to do what is important AND what is enjoyable. and you do it all really really well.  there's nothing more i could want for you, at your age, in your place, than to say you know who you are, you know what you want, and you are making it happen.  CONGRATULATIONS on all you have accomplished.  the Clemson Tigers don't know what hit them - honors degree in 2 years with a 3.99 - no surprise to me or anyone else that knows you.  you keep doing you.  can't wait to hang out with you this year.  and help plan for the next stage of world domination.  love you.

marriage is hard - 20 years later

A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time. ~Anne Taylor Fleming

I think maybe 20 years might qualify as long. Im going to go ahead and assume we qualify, since at this point kb & i have been married our entire adult lives - and that's if you consider 23 an adult.  which i clearly wasnt at the time, but certainly THOUGHT that i was.

so today we hit the miracle (in these days) milestone of 20 years.  and figured it was about time i let you guys in on the craziness that is US.  after all, i wouldnt be ME without HIM at this point.  i've officially lived with kb longer than my parents - so now it's officially his fault that im this crazy mess. 

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year. ~Paul Sweeney

Im pretty sure that anyone who knew us when we met would have given our chances at staying together about 10%.  we are from different states, with close families who wanted us home after college.  not to mention i am now and have always been a hot mess. kb is now and has always been the nicest guy in the room.  zero chance of success when looking at it from 19 year old eyes.  sure, he was (and is) super cute.  and awesome at lacrosse.  great smile.  fast as lightening on the field.  totally laid back off the field.  PERFECT college boyfriend.  right? hot, fun & friendly.  can't do any better than that.  but he was a year behind me in school and i was going back to MD and he was going back to ROCHACHA, so while we talked forever (like young kids in love do), we probably weren't serious.  life changes fast at 21.  and apparently at 22 as well.  because that's the year it became serious. i was back in MD, working in DC, buying a condo - living my post grad life.  kb was in school, doing his thing - kicking ass in lax and getting ready to graduate.  one little visit right after graduation, while he was still in RI and BANG - you guessed it.....pregnant.  hey there, reality, it's nice to meet you.  22, living in different states, barely out of school - no pressure, kb.

One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again. ~Judith Viorst

so that was our beginning.  we have literally been parents EVERY SINGLE SECOND of our 20 year marriage.  and we have been so incredibly lucky. and stupid.  we have done so many things wrong.  and we have gotten some things really right.  and this my friends, is what i've learned and what i most admire about my life and my guy, 2o years later:

• life is hard.  alot.  marriage is hard.  also alot.  but when you have a partner, its hard together. and sometimes that shared burden makes all the difference.  i find that balance is everything.  we learned VERY early on that we both couldnt be having a bad day at the same time.  it just didnt work.  we were both tired. ALL THE TIME.  kb worked days and was dad at night.  i worked nights and was mom all day.  we both slept about 3 minutes a day.  and if my husband has one serious flaw, its that TIRED is his kryptonite.  tired kris is NOT pretty.  or funny.  he's pretty mean.  maybe cranky is better - he's never really mean.  but ZERO fun.  and my kryptonite is hungry.  hangry was pretty much made up for me.  hungry deni is MEAN. seriously mean.  so we figured out pretty early on, that THIS was only going to work if we tried to avoid those things.  the good news is that kb can not eat for days, and i require very little sleep.  so when the demons came out, we were able to pick up the slack for each other.  it was our very first lesson in what it would take to weather the coming storms.  don't let kris go too long without sleep. and for god's sake feed deni.  pretty much still true today.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. ~Author Unknown

• when you are in over your head, start swimming. forget about that stupid lifeboat.  no one is coming to rescue you.  but if you keep moving, soon you will be in a different place.  it may not be better. but it will be different. and usually that's all it takes.  you guys that read this know i have had 400 different jobs.  kb has had ONE. yes i said 1. in 20 years. ok, 19.  but you get the idea.  my man is NOT going to change.  for about 100 years that drove me crazy. it was the source of a zillion fights and large amounts of angst.  unnecessarily come to find out.  because guess what.  i clearly was never, NOT EVER, going to win.  kris is constant.  so when things needed to be changed, i did it. often unpleasantly.  and i probably (or definitely) didnt appreciate what his unwillingness to change provided my family.  stability.  at the time it just seemed stubborn. looking back, i was able to take risks because i knew he never would.  there has not been one minute in 19 years that we havent had insurance.  i didnt care about that when i was 25 or 27.  but you can bet your ass at 43 i think its AMAZING.  our life for the first 10 years was all about babies.  and while we never had enough money (or thought we didnt anyway), we had security.  kb has been swimming steadily, at his pace, for 20 years.  and we are where we are because he never stopped.

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. ~George Levinger

• sometimes its not worth the fight. period. i spent a lot of time the first part of my marriage trying to change things (ie kb).  i had an idea in my head about how thing were "supposed" to be, and tried my damndest to get there.  and just like with everything else you try to force, it didnt work. and i spent a lot of time frustrated.  interestingly, when josh was about 2, i went to my pediatrician at the end of my rope. literally.  i was afraid i was going to lose my mind.  josh was the single most stubborn human baby ever born and i wanted to throw him across the room sometimes (i didnt, but i thought about it).  my super amazing pediatrician said this - DON'T fight every fight.  some things just dont matter.  only fight the fights YOU NEED TO WIN. and then WIN THEM.  light bulb.  that one piece of advice opened my eyes. not only to handling josh, but to how my hubby lived his life.  in his life, I WAS JOSH.  he only fought with me when it really mattered to him.  and he pretty much always won those fights.  clarity is pretty cool.  so i wont say we stopped fighting, but i will say it became much more normal to just say to kb - are you going to fight with me about this? and if he said yes, we just skipped the fight.  not worth the irritation and the energy.  growing up is awesome. sometimes :)

Most marriages can survive "better or worse." The tester is all the years of "exactly the same." ~Robert Brault

• whatever works, do that.  what works for us may not be what works for you.  i have no idea. but i do know that monotony kills.  between the 2 of us in 20 years we have coached about 30 teams, started 2 leagues and continued to play sports ourselves.  we are parents, friends, lovers & athletes.  why do i include athletes?  because ironically, sports in many ways has kept us together.  it has created a community of friends, provided an outlet for our kids and for us, and given us the opportunity to prove to ourselves that we can still have fun and compete.  kris & i are competitors.  and when we decided to try to NOT be those parents who lived vicariously through our kids victories, we went out to get our own.  i'm sure i spent too much time playing softball. and kris spent too little playing lacrosse. but we each had our own things.  an outlet that wasn't about the kids or the family every single second.  we have made mistakes and made compromises.  but it works for us.  all of it.  i know that because we are here. still.  after all this time.

20 years later, kris and i still fight.  he is still mean when he is tired and im still a bitch when im hungry.  we still put our kids first, and still try to find time to pursue our own interests.  kris is still constant.  and i am still crazy.  and yet, somehow it all works.  what i have really learned is that there is no right answer.  there isnt some magic formula for success.  and really success is all in your head anyway.  we havent so much managed to stay married for 20 years, as kept our unit together.  because at the heart of it all, that is what we are.  kris and i are not the measure of our success as a married couple.  our FAMILY is what matters.  the boys were ultimately the reason we first got married, and probably a million times in the last 2o years why we have let stuff go.  our unit means everything.  and i am the luckiest woman alive to have been able to live these last 20 years in this place, with this family, and this guy.  love you kb.  thank you for being my best friend, the best dad, and for NOT jumping off the roller coaster the many many times you have been tempted.

Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow. ~Swedish Proverb