3 kids, 2 daughters in law, 7 dogs & 30 married years later....

Love must be as much a light as a flame. ~Henry David Thoreau

its been a long and winding road, to say the least.  but here we are.  if you had told 20 year old deni that the VERY handsome guy that lived 2 doors down from her junior year at good ol' brown university would be THE guy, she would have laughed in your face. and not because said guy wasnt totally awesome, but who finds their guy in college??? in the middle of immature, drunken mess, selfish era?  apparently, this girl!  go me :)

fast forward to a sunny day in 1995, with a beautiful, bouncing baby boy in tow, we made it official.  and thru all of the ups, downs and crazy winding roads, we made it here - to our 30 year anniversay.  INSANITY.  i cant possibly be THIS old, and we cannot possibly have weathered all these storms together - can we?

Cling tight to the hearts that will not let you fall. ~Emily Dickinson

first i want to acknowledge that i am SO fortunate.  life is hard.  raising kids is hard.  being a PERSON is hard a lot of the time.  and finding ONE PERSON to go through all of that with you is next to impossible - even in the abstract.  its an act of faith that you make before you know better (in a lot of cases), and then you just fucking make it work.  and it is HARD.  its also AMAZING. and everything in between.  when you share a life with someone, you GO THROUGH IT.  but you get to do that together.  and somehow, it makes everything worth it, to get to this point in the road and look back - to have all of these shared memories and experiences.  it really is just a crazy milestone.

we wouldnt be US without the kids. im just being honest.  do we actually make that big decision to live this life together without Jake?  who knows.  but we did.  and that decision has informed every other single decision we have made over the last 30 years.  where to live, where to work, when to get a dog - and then 2 - and then 3.  how to juggle raising kids and making money and living life.  trying to keep our sanity and be there for our boys AND each other.  it has been crazy and fun and busy and frustrating and SO GREAT.  most of the time.  sometimes is has sucked.  and we've been not good, and wanted to not be together.  but we never gave up.  and sometimes that is the best lesson of all.  things get better.  you work through the bad shit - and we ALL have bad shit.  but fighting thru it makes you stronger.

The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have past at home in the bosom of my family. ~Thomas Jefferson

i think the nostalgia is what gets me the most on a day like today.  looking back at all the incredible steps on the journey so far.  tball, soccer, blue knights, cclc - trips to kings dominion and up to rochester.  trips to siesta key and millions upon millions of days spent on sidelines, at lacrosse fields, baseball diamonds, and even some theaters.  watching our boys grow into amazing men, finding equally amazing women.  graduating from colleges and launching careers.  rescuing dogs, and more dogs - and even one cat.  we built this life together, memory by memory - year after year.  and what a journey it has been - and continues to be.

one of the things you really think about when you say those very traditional vows is the "in sickness and in health" part.  you mostly think it means if one of you gets sick.  but i think the thing that has been the hardest over the years is when the "in sickness" part means someone else you love.  some of the hardest, most heartbreaking times in our lives have been wrapped around illness, and ultimately losing people we loved.  part of that heartbreak drags you apart - the all encompassing sadness, the not wanting to be around people, or do anything at all.  and then one day, you realize that you have someone to lean on.  and cry with.  and somehow you get through it.  there are so many things that could have broken us apart.  and yet, we keep holding on to each other.

Don't mind a few bruises. Life's paths are full of stones and thorns. All are bound to hurt a little. ~Minna Thomas Antrim

life at 53 is VERY different than life at 23.  friends have come and gone, and almost everything in our lives has changed in some way.  we are not the same people we were back then, but we are lucky enough - and have worked hard enough - to be standing together all these years later.  we still get to sit on some sidelines, and hang out at the gym.  we still love spending time with the boys and are fortunate enough that they seem to still like hanging out with us.  we are older, sure - but still kicking. and with any luck at all, i will be able to add to this story in another 20 years.

all those many moons ago, i can remember talking with kb about how similar our families were.  we both came from blue collar dad/stay at home mom families - and ended up, somehow, at Brown.  and i honestly think that a part of HOW we have stayed together all this time is that foundation.  not necessarily the actual blue collar piece, but we came from the SAME place - with the same overall life experiences and expectations.  we have grown into different people, but we respect where we came from - and all the people that shaped us.  we have had epic fights over religion and politics over the years, but always from that shared perspective.  we both believed in our family unit, over and above all else.  and while we occasionally differed over some of the smaller stuff, we have been on the same page about our kids all along.  and whether or not our friends and family agreed with where we came down on those things, WE stood together on them.  and that has made all the difference.

The best thing to hold onto in life is each other. ~Audrey Hepburn

i am grateful every day that i have a partner who gets me.  we dont always get along. and the good lord knows we have had to fight to keep this ship from sinking a time or 2.  but at the end of the day, there is no one i could have travelled this road with.  no one else could have put up with all of my craziness, or stood by my side when things were falling apart. i feel truly blessed for having shared the last 30 years with such an incredible man.  and i cant wait to see how the next handful treat us.  heres to another decade (or 2) filled with more family, more dogs, more adventures, more love....and of course, some more lacrosse.

love you to the moon kb.

Love is the end, all else is the means. ~Adolf Wolff 

The Start of the Journey....

 If there is a day to act on the Love in your soul it is today, it is this moment. ~Mike Dolan

Luke & Hanne,

in honor of your "no speeches" request, i decided to go this route :).  on this day, the official beginning of your journey together, i want you both to know how happy i am for you, and how proud i am to see what you are building together.  you both know that relationships are hard.  finding your person - the one who is willing to put in the work WITH you - that is the real gift you are giving to each other today.  and i hope you remember as the years go by, all the things that made you CHOOSE each other today.  and of course, these are the things i hope you remember from a moms perspective:

always be friends first.  guess what.  attraction ebbs and flows.  jobs, babies, bills - all the things that happen as you move thru this life together will impact you in ways you just wont understand until they get here.  watching the 2 of you play games together, watch your shows and giggle together, share tik toks, cook together and plan all the fun outings you go on.  it is a pleasure to witness.  because you truly ENJOY each other.  THAT is what is going to keep you going.  longevity is still liking to spend time together -finding things that hold you together and keep your relationship strong when you are too tired, too stressed or feel fat (believe me, all those things will happen - more than once).  liking the person you are marrying is just as important as loving them.

Let's be a comfortable couple and take care of each other... how glad we shall be that we have somebody we are fond of always to talk to and sit with! ~Charles Dickens

treat each other with kindness.  its so easy to take life out on the person you loves you best.  we all do it.  we KNOW they will take it, so we use that person as our outlet for all the shit we go through.  this is a gentle reminder that over the years, those unkind words get heavier and heavier to carry.  part of the job of your partner is to be there for you through all the craziness.  but sometimes its better to book a session at the break a plate place.

be both a soft place to land AND a pillar to lean on.  life is hard.  you work challenging jobs.  some days you will be the strong one - and some days you will need someone to be strong for you.  its ok to need someone to lean on.  and it is ok to ask for support when you need it.  and it is equally important to be able to say "i got you" right now.  neither of you will always be able to be strong.  that is the beauty of a partnership.  having YOUR person be there through all the ups and downs is always worth the work.

Love must be as much a light as a flame. ~Henry David Thoreau

its ok to not agree on things.  life is a series of negotiations.  being on the same page for the big things is super important.  which kind of mayo to use is not worth the battle.  dig in on the important things and be willing to give in on some of the small stuff.  no one is always right. and no one is always wrong.  give and take makes relationships last.

be grateful.  in this whole huge world, you managed to find your person.  you build each other up.  you help each other in all the ways.  you have fun together and go on adventures.  never lose sight of all the reasons WHY you chose each other.  and what you each bring to the table.  you have opposite strengths - and weaknesses.  that symbiotic relationship is a true gift.  and you need to remember that in the hard times.

They loved with a love that was frayed around the edges but strong at the seams. ~Terri Guillemets

prioritize each other. be a UNIT.  outside influences will always weigh in on your life, your decisions, your choices and your plans.  as long as the 2 of you are on the same team, everyone else can pound sand.  not that you cant listen to those other opinions.  but if you put YOUR team first, you will be much better off in the long run.  its YOUR family that you are building.  build it together in the way that works best for you both.

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint Exupéry

no one is perfect. or even close.  everyone makes mistakes.  sometimes they are doozies.  this is where the work part comes in.  being willing to forgive - and to ask for forgiveness - is something that you will struggle with over the coming years.  no one wants to be hurt - or to hurt someone else.  but life throws things at you whether you are ready for them or not.  my hope for you is that you are never faced with big challenges.  but if you are, remember how much you love each other today - and fight for each other.

love wins.  you both come into this marriage with lessons you have already learned.  and you still are choosing love.  choosing partnership.  choosing to build a life together.  and that is what will carry you through.  if you can choose love now, and keep choosing it year after year after year, through the peaks and valleys of life, you will have a long, wonderful, amazing journey together.  

Love is the end, all else is the means. ~Adolf Wolff 

i feel so fortunate to have a ring side seat to your love.  i feel so lucky that lucas found the perfect partner for him and that i get another amazing daughter.  as we continue to grow our own family, i could not have asked for more for my boys.  i love you both more than i can say.  and i cant wait to be there through all of the amazing milestones you will have on the journey together.  and it all starts TODAY!! i love you to the moon and back!!

a 30 year old....when the student becomes the teacher

Life is a boundless privilege... ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

i am very lucky.  like, supremely fortunate.  my children are amazing - and i dont take that for granted - or lightly.  because believe me, it could have very easily gone sideways.  parenting is a crapshoot at best.  you do the things you THINK are right, but you really just never know.  and you get it wrong.... ALOT.  mix that in with being mostly a child yourself when you start having kids and you start to understand that your kids steer their ship in a lot of ways you dont realize until you are older.  we always jokingly ask how 3 kids raised in the same house, with the same parents can turn out so very differently (i am usually referring to me and my sisters in this context, but it works for most families i think - mine included).  and you realize that the answer is- your kids are their own people.  seems like a silly thing to say, but its true.  they absorb the lessons a bit differently.  they hear things in the context of THEIR lives, not yours.  and what they do with the information you share comes down to what they want or need - and it doesnt always coincide with what you were trying to accomplish.  so really - a total crapshoot, with some guardrails that you hopefully dont fuck up too badly.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. ~Kahlil Gibran 

this week we celebrate Jake's 30th birthday. how i got this old is a total quandary - but that's life.  and its so crazy to look back and realize that we - jake kris and i - travelled this road together. you know,
aside from the 3 crazy college years :) that he (thankfully) was not a witness to.  we have been a unit our whole adult lives - i mean that really goes for all the boys - there is no kris & deni without the bayer boys.  but when i say we had NO IDEA what we were doing when we had jake, i am not exaggerating.  and honestly felt like we were doing it all wrong.  who knew that babies werent supposed to projectile vomit after every feeding?  not this girl.  it was just our normal.  i probably should have tried to figure that out, but we just rolled with it and changed his clothes A LOT.  you werent supposed to sleep with your babies or let them sleep on their sides.....fail & fail.  those early challenges (of which there were many) turned into the normal toddler/kid/teenage challenges.  and we always just kind of did what we thought was right - and honestly just tried to stay on the same page.  i think the best thing we did as parents was communicate with the boys.  there really was not a whole lot of "because i said so".  dont get me wrong, there was definitely some.  but we tried to create a home where questions were always ok to ask and honesty didnt get you in trouble (much).  and i think we did ok.  more than ok if i am honest.  my boys are amazing.  and what i want to share on this great, incredible, crazy milestone is what i have learned from my firstborn son.  so here goes:

live authentically.  we are a sports family.  and jake was no exception.  but early in high school he
decided to try acting.  to say we were surprised is an understatement.  but he had some serious injuries to overcome and rather than let those challenges derail him, he found another means of expressing himself.  he did not want to simply be defined as a "jock".  because that was not all there was to him.  and he forged that path on his own. the first of many times he stepped out of his comfort zone to explore what his life could become without the boxes we assumed for him.

follow your passion.  this kind of goes hand in hand.  but jake has always wanted to be of service.  he finds real value in that.  and while often in life "success" is marked by how much you get paid, jake never bought into it.  he wanted to make a difference, and he continues to do that daily.  the value of his career is what he can do for other people.  he wanted to be "in the room where it happens".  and he is.

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. ~Havelock Ellis

love generously.  jake gives way more than is asked of him.  and we are so fortunate that he found a partner who recognizes it (and can reign it in).  if it is in his power to do something for you, he absolutely will.  period.  he loves with his whole heart and if you are lucky enough to be in that circle, you know it.

problems require work.  that seems silly.  but a lot of us give up when faced with problems or challenges.  it doesnt seem "worth it" to figure out the answer.  i love that this generation is not afraid to say, i need help.  or give help.  understanding that life is NOT easy, relationships are not easy, work is not easy - those are some hard pills to swallow early in life.  but working thru the problems, getting to the other side - that is the real success.  you grow in the valleys - but you have to work to emerge from them.

If we have our own why of life, we shall get along with almost any how. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

be compassionate.  there is a world of people out there very different from us.  with different struggles and successes. not expecting  people to conform to one way of doing something is one of his greatest strengths (that he did NOT get from me).  he takes in all the experiences and exposure, and somehow finds a way to navigate from a place of respect and generosity.

prioritize your mental health.  ya'll know i can talk about physical health all day long.  mental health - not so much.  as a young man, being open to the idea of taking care of yourself was pretty eye opening (at least to me).  i love that this generation is aware of how stress and negativity can impact your body.  and while the self-care movement can seem unimportant or just a trend, its vital to long term happiness.  and just not something we ever thought about.

embrace your now.  jake and alesha do fun stuff.  they travel.  they go out with friends. they plan for
their future, sure.  but they live in the NOW.  no hand wringing or what if or why not.  of course there is some practical in there - they are very good adults - but living the life you HAVE vs the life you are waiting for is amazing to watch. 

enjoy life.  these go hand in hand.  but its so easy to spend all your time worrying. or passing up opportunities. not doing things because the time isnt exactly right.  but what i have learned from watching jake (and alesha) is go do it.  have the experience.  take the trip.  go somewhere you never been.  explore.  try different shit.  get out of the bubble you are surrounded by and just LIVE.

Life should be to us nothing less than a joy... real, sparkling, soul-stirring joy, that sinks down to the depths of our being... ~Ida Lyon

i am obviously proud of jake.  and could not love him more if i tried.  but i also really really LIKE the man he is.  and i honestly want to be just like him when i grow up.   the final thing i will say is this:  some of this he learned at home, of course.  some he learned from his wife.  and a lot of it is just who he is as a person.  this is what makes me so lucky to be his mom.  

on your 30th Jake i just want to say - thank you for being an amazing human.  an incredible son, partner, friend, brother and dog dad.  ADULTING looks good on you.  love you to the moon.