on graduation....the 2nd time

“Step with care and great tact, and remember that life’s a great balancing act.” dr seuss

on the eve of my second son's high school graduation, i thought it only appropriate to ponder what i have learned since the first.  because this experience, like all others, is unique and yet it represents something that we have already gone through.  and it is interesting that my thoughts this time around are pretty different from the first time.  i probably should have gone back to read my original, but i didnt.  because i want this to come from where i am RIGHT NOW.  not where i was back then.  if that makes sense.

the biggest thing i have learned since Jake left for college is that graduation is just another step. its a big one.  but its not THE big one.  which i think we all thought it would be.  i mean, come on.  high school graduation...that's the biggy right??  but no.  not so much.  it really is just the NEXT step on this long, winding road that we travel.  sometimes together.  sometimes apart.  but always at the same time.

“You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And you are the one who’ll decide where to go.” dr seuss

the choices you make up until your graduation set you on a path.  but it doesn't have to be permanent.  you are allowed to change you mind.  after all, it's YOUR mind.  and YOUR path.  i think sometimes we forget that.  we get caught up in what we think we SHOULD do,  but dont stop to think about what we COULD do.  maybe you have it all figured out at 18.  maybe you don't.  or maybe you just think you do.  but you absolutely DO NOT have to decide RIGHT THIS SECOND.  that's what this next step is for.  Life CHANGES.  what might be important to you at 18 will definitely change at least to some degree by the time you are 30.  and again by 40.  Adaptability is the greatest life lesson there is.  It's not just about being able to roll with the punches.  it's about being able to dish some out as well.  there will be times that call for action.  and others that call for INACTION.  this next step in your life is about figuring out the difference.  you dont have to fight EVERY fight.  and the one's you choose to fight now, may turn out to be ones you wish you didn't.  that's the cool thing about the journey you are on.  life literally happens all the time.  all around you.  whether you participate or spectate. or  both. and eventually you will end up in a different place from where you started.

“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory.” dr seuss

this is probably the hardest thing to understand.  all great experiences are NOT great.  some of them really and truly suck.  especially at the time. some are amazing. and of course you will remember those.  but some moments you wish for and work for just end up being kind of blah.  or disappointing. and guess what?  that is OKAY!  you do not have to love every single second of your life.  you just have to LIVE it.  absorb the experience.  learn from it.  grow when you need to.  take a minute to reflect on what it MEANS to you at the time.  it is okay to be disappointed.  we all are sometimes. but usually it is in those moments you can learn something - most of the time about yourself.  it is not up to ANYONE else to make you happy.  happy is 100% on your shoulders.  and that is a pretty big burden.  we like to throw it on others people's shoulders whenever we can.  but trust me on this - its better if YOU KEEP IT.  and while its pretty easy to be happy and kind when things are going your way, the real challenge is finding out how to be happy  and kind when things are NOT.  that right there is one of the keys to the universe.

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” dr seuss

and this is another....THIS.  RIGHT NOW.  THIS IS IT.  the big IT.  the capital IT.  the one you will spend your life looking for.  you will work for IT.  dream about IT.  and believe that having IT is right around the next corner.  the next job or accomplishment.  the next relationship or milestone.  you will spend YEARS searching for it. and hoping you will eventually get THERE.  and have IT.  guess what? there is no THERE. and there is no IT.  that thing - the elusive IT that resides in the magical THERE - is the place that you currently exist.  your whole entire freakin life.  and if you could only take a second every single day to embrace IT, acknowledge IT & honor IT, you will live a much more fulfulling life. this i promise you.  please dont spend the next 4 years pushing toward IT. and then the next 4. and the 10 after that.  ENJOY EVERY SINGLE DAY.  find the beauty in NOW.  right HERE.  with the people you are with at this very moment.  some will stay with you on the journey.  and some won't.  but they have value NOW.  and that, my friends, is MAGIC if you embrace it.

“You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And you are the one who’ll decide where to go.” dr seuss

in light of all of this here and now wisdom, i'd like to share (like i think i did at last graduation) my hopes for these seniors.  taking the next step can be awesome.  & scary.  but mainly it's just the next thing you do.  with that in mind:

BE BOLD but KIND - keep in mind that not everyone sees things the way you do.  your perspective is 100% yours.  it is okay to feel however you want to about all manner of things, but try to do so with an open mind.  most people come into their way of thinking thru experience.  you can not force someone to your side.  its okay to vehemently disagree, politely.

BE ADVENTUROUS but AWARE - try new things.  be open to new experiences.  each one will add to the story of your life.  but be smart.  not all adventures are good ones.  keep your eyes open and watch for the red flags.  usually if you see one, you should heed its warning.

BE WILLING TO CHANGE  YOUR MIND - right isnt always right. sometimes its right at the moment.  and sometimes its just plain wrong.  its okay to learn new things.  or have someone else change your outlook or perspective. we all evolve.  its okay to do that.  in fact, its awesome.  no one is always right.  even if you think you are :)

BE WILLING TO MAKE MISTAKES - we all do.  it's the fear of them that often keeps us from stepping out of our comfortable little boxes.  its okay to make mistakes.  you learn more from those that you do from all the smooth sailing.  we all hear those adages about failure.  fail better.  thats what mistakes are.  just learning curves. and i hope you never, ever stop learning.

BE FRIENDLY - for goodness sake, be nice.  make new friends. the world could use a whole lot more nice.  be the change and all that.  friends are good. they dont have to be forever friends.  but you never know - they might be.  and you get to collect all these amazing people all along your journey.  keep your eyes open for them. and bring them with you.  you carry your people with you every day forward.  some in your heart. and some in your head.  because almost all of your friends will either add to your joy or teach you a lesson.  both are invaluable.

BE PREPARED - nothing bad ever comes from being over-prepared.  okay maybe a little stress is added.  but it's way better to be a little stressed getting ready for something, than totally freaked out trying to adjust to something you are not ready for.  THINK.  you have a brain.  USE IT. in advance.

“You’ll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut.” 

dr seuss

CHOOSE HOPE - life can change in an instant.  dont wait for the shoe to fall.  embrace your moments.  plan for the future but live in the now.  your life will be made up of all of your NOWS.  don't forget to live them.

And to my own special graduate let me just say this:  i love you luke. i hope all of the steps on your journey take you places where you are happy, learn cool things, and bring you back home richer for all the experiences you have while you are gone.  i couldnt love you more or be prouder of the man you are.  keep doing your thing.  oh & go hokies :)

on being the 2nd son

 You don't raise heroes, you raise sons.  And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes.  ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.

It's never easy to be in the middle.  of anything.  we avoid getting stuck in the middle of situations pretty much at all costs.  imagine being born there.  forever in the middle.  how you deal with that is the reflection of your character when you are born a middle child.  it's never just you.  and its amplified when you are all boys.  how do you make your mark as the 2nd son?  you arent the first to do anything, or the last.  you become defined by how you carve out your own place in the MIDDLE of the chaos around you.

And chaos certainly describes our house.  from the very first, Luke has had to establish his position. he is surrounded by loud, dramatic & fiesty at every turn.  he is the CALM in our storm.  Luke grounds us as a family.  He is the most consistent, and the most strong.  He literally defines the word UNFLAPPABLE.  which is a gift around here, believe me.  All of our kids are amazing.  We love them all, but each is unique.  It's the quiet ones that often are underestimated.  Or under appreciated.  Luke's approach, i think, has always been to go his own way.  he has been his own man from birth.  everyone's favorite picture and story of luke is from PRE-SCHOOL.  he did NOT want his picture taken.  and in his own, already ridiculously stubborn way, he made it known.  when i FINALLY got him (yes, my 4 year old) to agree to actually go to school on picture day, he said "fine.  but i'm not going to smile".
and here you have it...... 

this is what we got back from picture day....THAT LOOK, RIGHT THERE.  THAT is Lucas Bayer. I meant what i said. PERIOD.

i think the best part about that picture, aside from how damn cute it is, is that it absolutely captured a moment in time that somehow defined my boy.  he is respectful.  he will do what you ask, even if he doesnt want to.  but he is always going to find a way to let you know how he really feels about it.  never ever underestimate him.

There is no road too long to the man who advances deliberately and without undue haste; there are no honors too distant to the man who prepares himself for them with patience. Jean De La Bruyere

Slow & Steady wins the race.  Luke is the master of that.  You can count on him to get done what needs to be done 100% of the time.  He is just going to do it in his own way.  and on his own time.  trying to speed him along is like banging your head against a rock.  repeatedly.  zero fun. and totally ineffective.  and the best part is that he enjoys watching you try.  especially when it comes to his brothers. they do everything they can think of to fire him up.  sometimes they even succeed.  but it usually doesnt end well.  i think people mistake luke alot.  they think he is quiet or shy.  and he absolutely isnt.  what he is, is PATIENT.  he bides his time.  he's learned that from a life of just waiting out his brothers.  EVENTUALLY they run out of steam.  and that's when he gets you.  Luke is one of the funniest people i know.  he has an infectious laugh and a wicked sense of humor.  you just have to wait for it.  and a lot of people just dont.

we live in a world of NOW NOW NOW. Luke lives in a world of whenever.  he was impossible to punish as a child because he just didnt care a whole lot about things.  or going anywhere. or playing video games.  he was, and still is, content with himself.  if i said, go to your room, he would say "ok" - and go take a nap.  LAID BACK at its finest.  frustrating as a parent.  but what an awesome way to handle stress.  it's like he totally understands that he does something wrong, and accepts whatever the consequence is.  no harm, no foul mom.  you can see in his shrug that he just GETS IT.  why fight it?

this is not to say luke is perfect. although i think he is pretty darn close.  he is wickedly smart, and ended junior year tied at #1 in his class.  when you ask him if he wants to be valedictorian, his answer is, i don't really care.  and he doesn't.  labels mean nothing to him.  he KNOWS he's smart.  he has nothing to prove.  and THIS is what i feel the most pride in him for.  in this age of validation in every form, luke doesn't need it.  his quiet confidence SHINES from him in every way.  he knows who he is and what he wants to accomplish.  he applied to ONE school.  who does that?  because he knew it was the right fit, and has nothing to prove to anyone but himself.

No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path. Buddha

today is his 18th birthday.  the beginning of his "adult" life.  and while graduation looms on the horizon, this isn't the blog for that.  this is about appreciating all the joy he has brought to us throughout his childhood.  and recognizing what makes him completely unique.  lLuke literally rises above the craziness.  he blocks the noise and gets it done.  whatever IT is.  he is someone you can count on 100% of the time.  i dont think there's a better thing to be able to say about someone.

today i just want to say thank you, Lucas.  for always being YOU.  for doing your own thing.  being your own man.  i know we don't always agree.  i know your brothers drive you absolutely crazy.  but we all love you.  and we appreciate you.  most of all we SEE you.  we KNOW it's not easy always being in the middle.  other people may compare you.  but we don't.  we don't need to.  because you are, always have been, and always will be YOU.  and you absolutely ROCK.  100% of the time.

The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively. - bob marley

luke, you are already a great man.  and i love you more than i can possibly say.