a 30 year old....when the student becomes the teacher

Life is a boundless privilege... ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

i am very lucky.  like, supremely fortunate.  my children are amazing - and i dont take that for granted - or lightly.  because believe me, it could have very easily gone sideways.  parenting is a crapshoot at best.  you do the things you THINK are right, but you really just never know.  and you get it wrong.... ALOT.  mix that in with being mostly a child yourself when you start having kids and you start to understand that your kids steer their ship in a lot of ways you dont realize until you are older.  we always jokingly ask how 3 kids raised in the same house, with the same parents can turn out so very differently (i am usually referring to me and my sisters in this context, but it works for most families i think - mine included).  and you realize that the answer is- your kids are their own people.  seems like a silly thing to say, but its true.  they absorb the lessons a bit differently.  they hear things in the context of THEIR lives, not yours.  and what they do with the information you share comes down to what they want or need - and it doesnt always coincide with what you were trying to accomplish.  so really - a total crapshoot, with some guardrails that you hopefully dont fuck up too badly.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. ~Kahlil Gibran 

this week we celebrate Jake's 30th birthday. how i got this old is a total quandary - but that's life.  and its so crazy to look back and realize that we - jake kris and i - travelled this road together. you know,
aside from the 3 crazy college years :) that he (thankfully) was not a witness to.  we have been a unit our whole adult lives - i mean that really goes for all the boys - there is no kris & deni without the bayer boys.  but when i say we had NO IDEA what we were doing when we had jake, i am not exaggerating.  and honestly felt like we were doing it all wrong.  who knew that babies werent supposed to projectile vomit after every feeding?  not this girl.  it was just our normal.  i probably should have tried to figure that out, but we just rolled with it and changed his clothes A LOT.  you werent supposed to sleep with your babies or let them sleep on their sides.....fail & fail.  those early challenges (of which there were many) turned into the normal toddler/kid/teenage challenges.  and we always just kind of did what we thought was right - and honestly just tried to stay on the same page.  i think the best thing we did as parents was communicate with the boys.  there really was not a whole lot of "because i said so".  dont get me wrong, there was definitely some.  but we tried to create a home where questions were always ok to ask and honesty didnt get you in trouble (much).  and i think we did ok.  more than ok if i am honest.  my boys are amazing.  and what i want to share on this great, incredible, crazy milestone is what i have learned from my firstborn son.  so here goes:

live authentically.  we are a sports family.  and jake was no exception.  but early in high school he
decided to try acting.  to say we were surprised is an understatement.  but he had some serious injuries to overcome and rather than let those challenges derail him, he found another means of expressing himself.  he did not want to simply be defined as a "jock".  because that was not all there was to him.  and he forged that path on his own. the first of many times he stepped out of his comfort zone to explore what his life could become without the boxes we assumed for him.

follow your passion.  this kind of goes hand in hand.  but jake has always wanted to be of service.  he finds real value in that.  and while often in life "success" is marked by how much you get paid, jake never bought into it.  he wanted to make a difference, and he continues to do that daily.  the value of his career is what he can do for other people.  he wanted to be "in the room where it happens".  and he is.

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. ~Havelock Ellis

love generously.  jake gives way more than is asked of him.  and we are so fortunate that he found a partner who recognizes it (and can reign it in).  if it is in his power to do something for you, he absolutely will.  period.  he loves with his whole heart and if you are lucky enough to be in that circle, you know it.

problems require work.  that seems silly.  but a lot of us give up when faced with problems or challenges.  it doesnt seem "worth it" to figure out the answer.  i love that this generation is not afraid to say, i need help.  or give help.  understanding that life is NOT easy, relationships are not easy, work is not easy - those are some hard pills to swallow early in life.  but working thru the problems, getting to the other side - that is the real success.  you grow in the valleys - but you have to work to emerge from them.

If we have our own why of life, we shall get along with almost any how. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

be compassionate.  there is a world of people out there very different from us.  with different struggles and successes. not expecting  people to conform to one way of doing something is one of his greatest strengths (that he did NOT get from me).  he takes in all the experiences and exposure, and somehow finds a way to navigate from a place of respect and generosity.

prioritize your mental health.  ya'll know i can talk about physical health all day long.  mental health - not so much.  as a young man, being open to the idea of taking care of yourself was pretty eye opening (at least to me).  i love that this generation is aware of how stress and negativity can impact your body.  and while the self-care movement can seem unimportant or just a trend, its vital to long term happiness.  and just not something we ever thought about.

embrace your now.  jake and alesha do fun stuff.  they travel.  they go out with friends. they plan for
their future, sure.  but they live in the NOW.  no hand wringing or what if or why not.  of course there is some practical in there - they are very good adults - but living the life you HAVE vs the life you are waiting for is amazing to watch. 

enjoy life.  these go hand in hand.  but its so easy to spend all your time worrying. or passing up opportunities. not doing things because the time isnt exactly right.  but what i have learned from watching jake (and alesha) is go do it.  have the experience.  take the trip.  go somewhere you never been.  explore.  try different shit.  get out of the bubble you are surrounded by and just LIVE.

Life should be to us nothing less than a joy... real, sparkling, soul-stirring joy, that sinks down to the depths of our being... ~Ida Lyon

i am obviously proud of jake.  and could not love him more if i tried.  but i also really really LIKE the man he is.  and i honestly want to be just like him when i grow up.   the final thing i will say is this:  some of this he learned at home, of course.  some he learned from his wife.  and a lot of it is just who he is as a person.  this is what makes me so lucky to be his mom.  

on your 30th Jake i just want to say - thank you for being an amazing human.  an incredible son, partner, friend, brother and dog dad.  ADULTING looks good on you.  love you to the moon.