a test, wrapped in a reminder

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.  ~David Russell
right before i stopped writing the blog this summer, it had taken a bit of a negative turn....which basically reflected my place at that time....as always, i'm trying to be honest about my feelings, my situation and emotions as i write....but one of my best friends sent a reminder to me that she felt i had gotten away from the "spiritual quest" part of my soul-searching.  and i have to admit that she's right.  you see i generally attack all of my new endeavors with drive and enthusiasm.....but at some point it always always wanes.  and i think because i had broken down the "spiritual" part to my reading, i let go of it when the politics side picked up.  which is silly, but true.  i have a very very difficult time compartmentalizing - if i'm unhappy or annoyed about one thing, then you can be damn sure im unhappy or annoyed about everything.  its the one underlying quality about myself that has never changed.  and once i hit an intellectual or emotional roadblock with something, then literally i'm just OUT....done....finished.  i will eventually revist it - whatever it happens to be - but once i've written a subject off in my mind, its doesnt have long for the world....or at least my little corner of it.

so as it relates to my burying my head in the sand, this is NOT a good combination.  and today was particularly not a great day....i feel like i am stuck in a cycle of indecision and inactivity, because i really truly can not make a choice that i should have made a while ago.  actually, i'm sure that's true about more than one choice, but its absolutely true about work.

"You've got to follow your passion.  You've got to figure out what it is you love--who you really are.  And have the courage to do that.  I believe that the only courage anybody ever needs is the courage to follow your own dream." ophrah winfrey

at the heart of it all, i consider myself a pragmatist.  i almost always make the practical decision....which usually puts me right where i want to be.  but not always.  and i'm afraid this is one of those times....do i step out on a limb financially, in a very scary and important financial time for my family??  until now, the answer has been no.   and maybe it will still be after all is said and done.  i dont know whether or not its just my age, or maybe the  years i've been doing unsatisfying work, or my situation in life....but i just dont seem to be able to embrace the practical choice anymore....i'm still making it, but not with the ease i used to.

back in the day when i was waiting tables with my ivy league degree, because the money was great and the hours enabled me to stay home with my kids - it was much much easier to embrace the practicality.  did i have to listen to an assload of "WHY are YOU waiting tables?"  yes, i did. but it was okay, because the ultimate goal at that time was to BE HOME - and be the best mom i could.....work was totally secondary.  work was to make enough money to live.  PERIOD.  i never in a million years thought that 17 years later, i would still be fighting with myself over - of all things - work.  that's not to say i didnt have any ambition when i was younger....i did - i double majored and everything.....but life threw me a happy curve and i embraced it - that's what i do.  each new phase of the kids life, i adapted.....i almost always worked one or two part-time gigs - balancing just enough money with time spent away - at least in my head.  i've always had at least 2 things going - always had a backup plan - but ultimately each time i've had to make a decision to change, it was about the KIDS - their schedules, their needs.  but now, the decision i'm facing is about ME....and i'm paralyzed.

Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

as crazy as this sounds, and as hard as it is to admit at this stage of the game, i dont really have any professional goals.  i have personal goals of course, but my professional goal was always to be raise good kids....work was just a  means to an end.  i feel like i gave up the "professional" option when i opted all those years ago to stay home....and yet, now that the kids are mostly grown, i feel like i'm supposed to have some or get some inspiration as it relates to a career.  i have always been mentally a stay at home mom- even though i physically havent - if that makes any sense.  somehow i have always managed to get my kids on an off the bus, help with school work, go on field trips and still put in the time to work.  until very recently.  and i hate it. with a passion. and if i havent mentioned before, it paralyzes me.  its creating a great big giant black hole of unhappiness and indecision.  i feel like a 2 year old stomping her feet, screaming "but i dont WANT to work". which is crazy.  i dont mind work.  i just dont want a career.  or more specifically i dont want to decide at 40 what i want my career to be.  but i have to.  that's where i am today...right this minute.

so maybe the fact that i let the faith part fall away from the quest has all been a part of the test i'm taking....and its clearly the part that i'm failing.  i feel like i keep getting all of these cosmic reminders that life is short....and rather than take them in and use them - i'm just ignoring them.  what the hell is wrong with me??

wouldnt it be amazing if we could all just follow our passion - make a gazillion dollars at it and not have to stress about the practicalities of looming college tuition, another teenage driver and bills?  see??? that's negative nelly - not being able to just LET GO and take the leap of faith.  i dont believe everything will work out, just because i want it to.  and for some reason i cant seem to be able to make the pieces to fit the way i want them to. 

so i stay where i am....jogging in place....waiting for the next sign to appear - even though i will probably ignore that one as well.....if i decide to jump, ya'll will be the first ones to know.

my head in the sand

You may delay, but time will not.  ~Benjamin Franklin

its just about that time again, when you all get to listen to me rant and stress and vent...but as my friend michelle pointed out, i started 2 days late.  which is just about how i feel about life right now - i'm at least a day late, and doing my best to keep right on ignoring that fact.

i wont bore you with what we did all summer, i'm just going to jump right back in with both feet by saying that i'm just not ready to be where i am right now.  NOT IN THE LEAST LITTLE BIT......and i keep thinking that if i just don't think about it, or address it, then maybe, just maybe, time will stand still for a little while.  unfortunately that's just not true.  and while i can definitely delude myself for a while, i cant do it forever.  this year is coming whether i want it to or not.  my baby started middle school whether i was ready or not.  i will watch my second kid start to drive....and i will watch my oldest graduate from high school - whether i'm ready or not.  so i guess i better start getting my ass at least a little bit prepared.

so why didn't i start the blog on the first day of school like i said?  because i was IGNORING IT.  i figured that if i didnt start writing about how i was feeling about this year, then maybe i might be able to skate by all these crazy, scary feelings. but no.

so here we go....while intellectually i know that my boys are going to be fine, upstanding young men, who will be able to take care of themselves and make amazing things happen in their lives, i'm not emotionally ready to let them go.  which is CRAZY.....THIS - this moment, this time - is what i have been working toward my ENTIRE ADULT LIFE....i am about to watch my first offspring fly the nest....and start making decisions for himself that will impact HIS future.  is he ready??  absolutely!  am i?  clearly not.  this is one of those times when the rubber meets the road.  has jake learned any of the lessons i've been trying to teach him?  where those lessons the RIGHT lessons to help him as he makes his way?  what will i do when he stumbles?  i just dont know.  but i do know that i have to start paying attention.  if this is the last year we have together as a family, then i need to pull my head out of the sand and EMBRACE it. which is proving to be much more difficult than i thought.

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. ~Stacia Tauscher
what i do know right this minute is that i will never again have 3 kids exactly where they are now....and where they are right now is pretty damn cool.  they are ALL on the cusp of SOMETHING.....adolescence, freedom, independence.....and i get to be here to watch them, guide them and experience it with them.  THAT is what parenting is all about.  am i the same parent today that i was when jake started middle school?  NOPE.  and i often worry that i'm not as good as i once was, or as engaged as used to be.  but ultimately i'm doing the best that i can and THAT is what has stayed consistent over the years.  yes our circumstances have changed over the years, but our ultimate goals and priorities have not.  and hopefully that will be enough....for all three of the boys.  i guess only time will tell. time that i need to start ACKNOWLEDGING :)

the cool thing about right now?  my kids are at the point where they GET IT...or most of it anyway....we are experiencing a pivotal election that will have a real impact on their future - and they will be able to remember it - especially since their mom will be shoving it down their throats most of the time. i GET to talk to them about real issues and challenge them all to THINK about the future...in real and concrete terms....its yet another responsibility and another opportunity to challenge them to BE a part of the conversation, not just a witness to it.

the most interesting conversation i have had in recent memory of course happened this summer.....i am obsessed with the newsroom - which im sure i will touch on at a later date....but in discussing it with jake, i ended up having a very long winded conversation with all of the boys about religion and politics and the role that THEY will play.  i wont bore you with the details but it started with "YOU GUYS are the SMART ones...YOU GUYS are the ones that HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION to whats going on"....and ended with josh saying "i think i need to get more information on martin luther"....which should tell you a little bit about how crazy i am and what i tell my kids.

i guess the moral of the story for me at this moment is that i need to take each day as the gift it is with the boys....and as sad as i am that this is jake's senior year, i'm also so excited for him and all that he has in store.  i just need to start looking FORWARD instead of looking BACK. 

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are.  Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart.  Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.  Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so.  One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.  ~Mary Jean Iron

magic mike

If only closed minds came with closed mouths. 

 ~As seen on a button at evolvefish.com

can i get a HELL to the YEA on this one???  i have to admit to a long standing personal obsession with channing tatum, dating back to his yo-boy debut in step up .... im a sucker for a dancer, apparently a yo-boy, and lets not forget the whole ab thing....SUE ME!!

the thing about this whole "magic mike" thing, of course on the heels of the whole ridiculous shades of grey controversy is just crazy to me!!  yes, women like hot men....SHOCKER!!  women like sex.....double SHOCKER!!  not every woman likes the same kind of sex.....so freakin what???  i literally CAN NOT get over how much time and energy people are spending being shocked and appalled at what women do or dont want to read and or watch.....can it really be that much of a surprise that - just like men - we have actual hormones....and god forbid - sexual proclivities....(gasp)!!

i promised myself when i started the blog that i wasnt going to talk about sex stuff - it seems to personal AND somehow too controversial...HOWEVER, i just cant resist anymore :)

i live in a house full of men....i am constantly bombarded with the - she's hot, holy shit look at her, blah blah blah....which is fine and normal - chics are hot - good bodies are good bodies....yes, jessica biel has a fantastic ass....this does not offend me in the least....its NORMAL to find people attractive......and if you can look at that picture and not think HOLY SHIT, then you live on a different planet from the one i live on.

is it ridiculous that i am literally counting down the minutes until my midnight show of this movie so i can drool and gawk?? ABSOLUTELY.....does it make me a bad person??? um NO.  did i read shades of grey?  YUP .... do i think its hot?  YUP .... why not?  its ENTERTAINMENT!!  what is everyone so freaking threatened by???

i dont see all these uptight people posting about PENTHOUSE FORUM every day?  i dont see them slamming STRIPTEASE or SHOWGIRLS (even tho that WAS really bad).....its like we as a society EXPECT men to judge women on their appearance AND be sexually deviant.....what the HELL??  but put a naughty book or a movie about hot men in the running and all of the sudden, society is crumbling due to our loose morals.....its fuckin assinine!!

maybe its just me, but the funniest part about this whole thing is that i expect to be completely embarrassed the ENTIRE time i'm watching.....okay, maybe not when i'm drooling, but other than that :)..... the thing is, if you've even seen a male strip show, its FUNNY.....girls go to giggle and drink and ok, stare at some hot bodies....but i would say HARMLESS for the most part....its fantasy, not reality......and id say 99% of the population knows the difference.  its the stupid outspoken minority that blows this stuff up.

i was sitting on the couch with jake and he was laughing at me while i watched a preview.....he said "i bet not one person who leaves that theatre will be able to tell me the plot".....and i said "duh"....WHO CARES??  i'm not going to watch a literary masterpiece....i just want to be entertained....and if for one single second our collective interest in these super hot men makes the boys of the world REALIZE what it feels like to be judged on their looks, i say GOOD!!  its about fuckin time!  maybe that makes me a bad mom....i certainly dont want my kids to feel bad about the way they look for any reason....but i do want them to understand 2 things.....1 - we are ALL to some extent judged by our looks, and 2 - there is a PERSON on the other side of those that are being judged.... do i know channing tatum is married?  yup - to a seriously hot chic, whom i also love ..... does this make him MORE hot or LESS hot??  neither.....he's just freakin hot.....and i'm allowed to think so.  it doesnt make me a bad person....it makes me human.

i also have huge giant crushes on the ROCK and chris hemsworth.....i've seen every movie they've ever done too....as a matter of fact i went BY MYSELF the day snow white and the huntsman came out.....literally just to watch him.....this does not mean i am planning to leave my family to fly to hollywood and throw myself on their doorsteps....its just a fun little break from reality.  i wish we all would stop judging each other so much - and just try to enjoy the ride.  i'm sure we have much better things to spend our time worrying about than whether or not the women of the world are going to be corrupted by a dirty book or a trashy movie......one can only hope anyway!!

i for one loved the dirty book and cant wait for the trashy movie....does it really matter in the grand scheme of things what toots your horn??   i hope not..... i sincerely believe we have bigger fish to fry - and maybe, just maybe, hollywood is finally catching on to the fact that chics dig hot men as much as men dig hot women!! go figure :)

There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out.
Mae West

crossroads

life is an interesting thing when you get right down to it...and every choice that we make steers us in a direction that may or may not have the intended consequences.  so every time you make a decision, its a gamble.....and i'm finding that as i reflect on where i am today, there are so many different instances where my life could have taken a turn.  and i have to say, i'm certainly glad that i am where i am....i wouldnt change the life i have now for anything.  but there is always a "what if", right?

it comes up all  the time in my house right now because jake is looking at colleges - and i keep trying to tell him that NO MATTER where he chooses to go, he will be great - every school has  its advantages - and every school has its own networks....but as always, he puts pressure on himself to be the best - and therefore make the most of this opportunity.  and its an absolute  THRILL for me to see letters in the mail from schools like columbia and cornell.....but ultimately, he has to live with his decision.....and its a big one.  a life course altering one.

20 years ago, sitting where jake is, i was planning my life in a completely different way....going to james madison,  playing field hockey and probably teaching.....then i get hit with the big opportunity.....am i glad i went to brown?  u bet.  not only did i get a fabulous education - but i met the people who would  become my future.....in the largest cosmic sense of  it, jake is a direct result of that choice....no brown, no kris, no jake, luke or josh....so OF COURSE - brown was the best decision i ever made.  but clearly i didnt know that then.....then it seemed to be a choice between education and loans vs hockey and no loans.....and thanks to the foresight of my pop, i made the "smart"choice.....but it wasnt easy....and it could have gone either way.

Life is the sum of all your choices.  ~Albert Camus

this is where  jake is sitting right now......and there is no right answer....he doesn't have the luxury of hindsight to confirm his decision....he just has to make the choice that  he thinks will be the right one....and then MAKE IT the right one.

that's the part that i'm just coming  to realize myself.....the choices that have gotten me where i am today are ALL the right ones....because THIS is where i am.  sure, i could be more successful in my career, or less of a stress ball.....but i could also be living in my car or addicted to drugs.....every choice, every peak and valley in my 40 years has led me here.....and maybe i'm struggling with it a bit - but guess what - i'm pretty sure that no matter where i was, id still be struggling with it.  because that's just who i am.

To decide is to walk facing forward with nary a crick in your neck from looking back at the crossroads.  ~Betsy Cañas Garmon

so then the challenge for me becomes just embracing where i am......i'm not so sure WHY that is hard for me. but i do know that until i can actually do it, i wont be as happy as i should be.  i spend an awful lot of time comparing TODAY to yesterday.....because its so very different than i thought it would be then.  does that make any sense at all?  10 years ago, THIS (wherever  this  is) is not where i thought id be.....so somehow i'm having trouble making the reality of today, live up to the expectation of yesterday....which is unfair all the way around.  but if i break it down, is EXACTLY what my issue is. i didn't want to be the mom who wasnt home when my youngest kid got off the bus...or the mom was too  busy with work to make anything fun.....or the mom who forgot how  to use the stove.  but i am all of those things today.

for some reason its always easier for me to see the negative......but if i'm honest, i'm also the mom who makes sure my kids have their priorities straight, and the mom who shows them everyday that you have to work hard to make the things you want happen.  and hopefully im the  mom who is helping them become independent and strong.  those things SHOULD outweigh  the others......and sometimes they do.  but sometimes  they dont....some days i just want to go back to when i was home and had time to make stuff.

so this is the crossroads part....how do you embrace today, even if its not exactly what you thought it would be?  do you just keep going on as is or do you try to change it? i'lllet you know when or if i figure that part out.  i do know that this is just another choice on my journey....and it will lead me to the next step.....and fundamentally, no matter what i do or dont do, it will have to be the right thing - because its just another step in one direction or the other.  HERE is where we are all supposed to be - or we would be somewhere else.  its a crazy and circular philosophy, but it works :)

It's not what if, it's what now.

i think the thing that i need to keep in focus is that no matter what i do or dont like about my circumstances, i have a great big picture.....and the ability to change what i'm not happy about. rather than stewing (which i've been doing, and am very good at), i just need to make a decision and get over myself.  because right now, today, someone else is wishing that they had the chance.  i hope if i've learned nothing else this year so far, i appreciate my life....maybe not my exact circumstances, but definitely my health, my will, and my strength.....and the only reason i'm unhappy about my anything really is because i'm allowing myself to be....and its a waste of time and energy.  maybe it could be better....but it could definitely be worse.  so here's to better....that's what i'm choosing today - to feel better, to do better, to be better.

let's see where that leads me :)

the EVENT

the 1st annual steel lillies 5k went off without a hitch.....well without many hitches :).....after several fits and starts, we got our stuff together and pulled off what i believe was an amazing tribute to tiff.  the sheer number of people who came out to support the family was incredible.....i'm estimating around 800....and that's really just a good guess - i know we ran out of the 675 shirts VERY early on in the registration process....definitely a lesson learned for next year.

while it was certainly bittersweet for kris and his family, it was such a powerful and positive experience - to see all of those people united together to show their support was truly exceptional.  and i cant thank everyone enough who helped.  this is one of those times when you can sit back and appreciate really how GOOD people really can be.

Being good is commendable, but only when it is combined with doing good is it useful.  ~Author Unknown
so many people played an integral part in making this a success that i dont really know where to start....but i want everyone to know how much i appreciate it, so i'm going to try.....first and foremost, kris' aunt sue was a workhorse of the first order....she ran the rochester end of things and created a wonderful picnic atmosphere after the race...AND recruited a serious amount of bayers to handle the food aspect of the event....she was just incredible - along with every single one of kris' aunts, uncles and cousins who showed up in full force and worked like dogs on the day of the event.  tiff's friends from home and college pulled together to help jimmy and the kids, and came from places far and wide to be there.  just amazing. her girlfriend kim is a jewelry artist and made beautiful necklaces.......a local restaurant donated food and spent the afternoon grilling it up.....MY bf from college who got roped into manning the registration table instead of running (thank YOU kir)......sponsors from everywhere who showed up....and of course all of the participants.....

one more time, i just need to say that everyone who helped - top to bottom - was amazing.....while certainly the day was not flawless - it really went amazingly well, especially considering it was put together in about 7 weeks.  and this is 100% a reflection on the volunteers.....i hope everyone who manned a water station, or pointed the runners in the right direction, or parked a car, or served a burger, or helped setup and breakdown....or who donated their time in any other way feels so GOOD about what they accomplished.....because, while this doesnt make tiffs loss any easier to bear, it means that her legacy will be STRONG!

This is the beginning of a new day.

You have been given this day to use as you will.
You can waste it or use it for good.
What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.
When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever;in its place is something that you have left behind...
let it be something good

i know that NOTHING is going to make these days any easier for kbs parents or for tiffs husband and kids....but one day, i hope they will be able to look back on this time as the beginning of tiffs legacy, rather than the end of her life.  because if there is one thing i can say with certainty about tiff, its that she was clearly a founding member of the 'get shit done" club......she would ABSOLUTELY appreciate the way this fund is taking off and she would settle for nothing less.....the STEEL Lillies will be a name that will make a difference in the fight against cancer.....and it started with her.

in this life we dont get the opportunity to go backwards.....we can only move in one direction.....whether we move in that direction with PURPOSE or not is up to us.....but if we choose to move with purpose - to make a difference where possible - we honor those who dont get to go with us.  i cant tell you how many times kris' mom has thanked me - and really, the only response i have is "its the LEAST i can do"....and it is.  the least.  when i figure out how i can do more, i hope that i will.  because what i cant do is go back and make any of it better....i cant make it easier to bear.....i cant make it hurt any less.   but i can try to make a difference in how it looks in the future.

so, like always with me, i'm taking a short little hiatus - hopefully getting caught up on some work and some blog - maybe clean my house (or just move - i'm not sure which would be easier at this point) .... and then start on whatever we decide is next.....i will say this - if you are local, make sure you leave October 7th open for me :)

high expectations

i know that everyone's "normal" is different, so please take this with a grain of salt....i am incredibly lucky that my kids are all gifted with big beautiful brains....and i really honestly dont let them take it for granted. we all know kids who really struggle with school, and every time someone in my house complains about school work, they know they are going to get the "just be glad that you are irritated because you dont WANT to do it, not because you dont know HOW to do it" lecture.


with that being said, i had to laugh at myself yesterday because, while sitting at my computer i got one of those updates from edline.....which i usually absolutely ignore - but felt like i should check just because its probably final grades.....and then a room full of teenagers hears me yell this...."jake bayer, do you actually have a B in statistics" - like someone had just admitted to ax murdering one of our pets....INCREDULOUS.....and what i hear from the other room.....complete SILENCE - like did your mother just YELL at you because you have a B - is she out of her MIND??


and in my defense, it wasnt so much a YELL, as a WTF moment....jake bayer NEVER has B's...never. as a matter of fact this came back to haunt us tonight because the same statistics teacher (who apparently does not like the new fangled edline system) sent his grade last semester before importing the last test - so his report card DID say "b" - for the very first time ever.....when in fact it was actually an A.....why is this an issue? because tonight at the underclass awards, for the first time in the history of the earth, jake bayer did not get recognized for all As....and he was PISSED!! as he should be - we have the handy dandy little paper from school proving the correct grade and that it was changed - but clearly it wasnt changed in the system....and so, alas - he had to take a ration of shit from all of those people who KNOW he ALWAYS gets all As.....and he was embarassed....which is RIDICULOUS!!! but true.

because what is NORMAL in this household may not be normal in yours - but it IS normal here....we expect amazing grades - because our kids are smart - and we know they are smart - not getting good grades shows lack of effort....again, not that this is something we have ever had to deal with (thankfully), but its not meant to make anyone else feel any less about what they do....its just how it is here. we not only expect them to get good grades because they are smart - we expect them to do the work.....because maybe in 5th grade getting good grades is all about making your parents happy and getting a cool reward - but in 11th grade, its all about determining YOUR OWN future - and providing YOURSELF with the best possible options.....and i'm so pleased that BOTH of my high schoolers are taking it seriously. lucas got the principals award for ENGLISH....which made us both laugh, since he considers it his worst (and least favorite) subject.....and he looked at me and said - i know you love it ms english major, but the only reason i got it was because i have the highest GPA - and that's just because i'm the only one who turns in all my work.

really? i find that amazing - but i'm not really surprised......i think we are living in a culture where just getting by has become the norm.....and i find that pretty sad. just because my kids ARE smart means that they DON'T get off the hook - they absolutely NEED to do ALL of their work because a) its expected and b) they understand it....there is ZERO excuse for not doing it.....but i'm realizing that alot of their friends out there who also get it, dont feel like they need to do their work, because they are smart enough to pass the tests without it.....which i'm sure is true.....i just find it sad.

It is better to have a fair intellect that is well used than a powerful one that is idle.

bryant mcgill

so really the theme that i think runs thru this house - and clearly is a big one with me is just DO THE WORK! do what you are supposed to do, do what you are capable of, do what is expected of you, do all that you know you can......because to do LESS is to BE less than what you really are. i believe that the very best thing we can give our kids is their work ethic.....that doesnt mean that they will be perfect - it doesnt mean that they will always do their best - but it means that they will RECOGNIZE it either way. if you bring a B home in this house, i'm betting you can pinpoint what you DIDN'T do - or at least didnt do as well as you should have. and that's okay. i understand that we cant all give 100% all the time - CLEARLY i'm living that example right now.....but i understand it, and i accept the consequences.....and THAT is what i hope i'm teaching my kids. everything - and i mean absolutely everything - in some way is a choice, or a reflection of a choice that we have made somewhere along the way.....accepting that is how we embrace our circumstance.

i would say that my kids deserve to be proud of THEMSELVES...of course i am proud of them - but more importantly, they know that at this time, right now, they are making the right choices for their future.....and because its THEIR CHOICE and THEIR FUTURE.....they get to take the credit for it......which has to be so SATISFYING!!! i hope that when they look back, my kids realize that yes, they were blessed with intelligence, but more importantly they EARNED the knowledge that went along with it.

at this time of the year when we see our friends graduate, we also see all the "future" quotes....one of the best has always been "BE THE CHANGE YOU MOST WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD"...... what i hope we are getting thru is that you can't BE the change if you don't know what it is, or if you aren't willing to WORK to make it happen. nobody gets to just "be" the change...change takes work. and we all DO have the ability to work for it.

We all have a path to take; sometimes it's hidden under the weeds, so you might have to work a little. ~Mike Dolan

somethings gotta give

first of all i just want to say thank you to everyone who has encouraged me to keep writing....life is a really funny thing sometimes and i feel like every now and then i just get way over my head and need to take a minute. everyone around me is going thru the same things - we are struggling with adversity and loss, and trying to figure out how to cope with the changes that are coming our way. that should make me feel better, but somehow it just freaks me the hell out. i want a couple of days with my rose colored glasses....and somehow i cant seem to find them. so i've basically been ignoring it -and not writing, so i dont have to address all the stuff that's stressing me out.



but really thats not fair .... this is supposed to be the outlet, right? and as it turns out a way for us all to share in the common issues that we face everyday. so here goes (again :)

as i've said on more than one occasion, i have a tendancy to bite off more than i can chew....i have the usually unwaivering belief that i can actually handle everything that comes my way. but in looking back on all the times in my life when i have fallen down - or at least felt like i have fallen down - there has always been a point at which i could have or should have admitted that i was at my limit. i'm just not sure prior to THIS particular moment, i was able to do that. but i am now. welcome to my mid-life crisis :)


do you ever feel like you are running from one thing to the next without ever stopping to breathe? and do you look back over whole weeks or months and not remember how you FELT about anything that you did? its like being on a giant treadmill, set at a slightly uncomfortable pace - and not being able to reach the controls to slow it down....so you just keep running. or you throw yourself off.....i think that's what i did last week - i just decided to get off the treadmill so to speak.....


because i realized that while i am getting a whole lot of stuff done - im not getting anything done WELL....i'm giving a half or quarter assed effort in pretty much everything. i'm making myself go thru the motions, but i'm not getting anything out of it....and i just realized that something had to give......and for a quick sec the answer was the blog - because it was just the easiest thing to NOT do.


its interesting to me because the things that i usually end up giving up when i hit my wall are the things i most enjoy (or get the most out of personally) - like the gym, or softball, or the blog. when in reality what i need to give up is something that is causing me actual stress ..... but when you get to the breaking point, you just start throwing things willy nilly off your plate ... or maybe thats just the way i do it.


in retrospect, i should probably just ask for some help....but i'm really not good at that. and i've found that i can so easily recognize that in others (sam long), but dont want to see it in myself. i think we all feel like we have to be strong all the time - no matter what life throws at us - when we really just dont. thats why we have friends, and family - and beer for that matter. its all how you choose to get thru the day.

you know that saying - when life hands you lemons, make lemonade? well if you google it (which i did), you also get this : when life hands you lemons....grab tequila and salt; squeeze them in your enemies faces; add vodka; cram them up the butt of your enemies (wow); throw them at someone.....and the list goes on - you get my point tho, right? its all just how you decide to look at whatever life throws at you....and what you decide to do about it.....i clearly decided to shut down for a quick minute - which i THINK was better than drowning myself in vodka - altho that was the second option.

we all like to rationalize our own issues by saying - "it could always be worse".....and you're right. unfortunately, it could always be worse - but that doesnt necessarily make whatever THIS is right at the moment any freakin easier...so we just have to acknowledge it and try our best to get thru it.....because it can also always be BETTER! i'm allowed to wallow - or sulk - or be sad.....just like i'm allowed to celebrate and be happy - its all just a part of being me....and maybe this time its been a bit harder to get thru the yucky stuff.....but i will. and a big part of that is YOU.....i am honestly so grateful for the new people who have come into my life thru the blog......and maybe by sharing my insanity, it will help someone out there feel a bit less alone or crazy.

In union there is strength. ~Aesop

so i'm 5 days away from the 1st annual steel lillies 5k in rochester.....which has been quite an undertaking...and probably contributed a great deal to my emotional rollercoaster - and its a pretty good example of everything i'm talking about....i've been so tied up in making it happen that i havent stopped to SEE all the good things that have already been sparked by it....and i dont want to make that mistake this weekend - i want to EXPERIENCE the run - soak it in, so i remember it - and all that it means to everyone that made it happen. to realize that the 650 people that are taking their time to show their support for kris' family CARE about them.....to understand that the $40,000 we've raised in tiff's name WILL make a difference for someone else's family.....and to understand that while i may have lost a little bit of my sanity along the way, its always ALWAYS worth it in the end, when we choose to invest our time in each other.

i love you guys.