Friday, January 8, 2016

pink & yellow

i HATE pink & yellow.  passionately.  i understand why millions of people feel differently.  to them pink & yellow represent sunshine and hope.  they rally behind those colors for veterans and cancer survivors.  those colors represent WARRIORS of all kinds.  and still, i hate those 2 colors.  probably more than i should. but to me, those colors represent loss. and they just make me sad.  and i hate that too.  i'm tired of being sad and heartbroken and frustrated because CANCER keeps stealing people from my life.  im sick of the word.  im tired of all of the #teams that you see day in and day out that represent yet ANOTHER victim of this horrible disease.  where does it stop??

The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it. ~C.C. Scott

tomorrow i will attend the funeral of one of the bravest women i know.  we were not super close, more casual friends.  we have a great deal of people in common and i have been a witness to her entire fight with lung cancer.  LUNG CANCER.  a 43 year old non-smoker.  who leaves behind 3 children, a husband, and an array of devastated family members.  i wish i could say i dont know what that's like. i wish i didnt know the battle they have in front of them to "carry on".  how hard this next year will be.  every "first" that is the first one without her.  but i do.  and it sucks.  i know that all we can do is be there for them. and i believe tina is truly in a better place.  no one wants to live a life in constant agony.  its not fair to bear it or to watch it happen to someone you love.  but it doesnt make it any easier to live without them.

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. ~Lamartine


the journey has already begun for Tina's family.  the hole that she leaves will never be filled.  their lives will go on. they will eventually find happiness again and return to what they consider normal.  but it will never ever be the same.  she will always be missing. her friends will still want to reach out to her. her children will think of her every time they go to do something she used to do with them. there is just no getting past the fact that she's not here.  and she should be.

Grief falls upon human beings as the rain, not selecting good or evil, visiting the innocent, condemning those who have done no wrong.  Richard Jefferies
 i know there is no right or wrong way to handle grief. just as i realize it never truly goes away.  we have ALL lost people that were dear to us, and we all learn to deal with that in our own way.  sometimes there is just no dealing with it at all.  it just exists.  grief is the new plane we exist on.  im just not sure how to process it when it keeps happening. and the outward representations of it are inescapable.  butterflies & superheroes.  ribbons of every color of the rainbow.  plastic bracelets & window stickers.  we wear our signs of grief outwardly every single day.  and once you know what you are looking at, you cant help but see them everywhere.  in one way its inspiring.  there is an army of people out there fighting the good fight.  hordes of people raising money and volunteering and walking and running for the cause.  ALL of the causes.  because thats what we do to take back some power when we feel powerless.  we try to help.

Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope” ― Elizabeth GilbertEat, Pray, Love 

let me say this.  most days i am incredibly optimistic and hopeful.  i have the bracelets and butterflies and ribbons.  i even have the tattoo.  i have walked for 36 miles and run many more, in tribute and to raise money. i even started a blog :).  and ALL of these things have helped ME.  they have made me feel like i am helping in my own small way.  they helped me deal with MY grief and frustration over the loss.  and the loss.  and yet another loss.  but what they dont do and CANT do is bring anyone back.  and that is where the internal fight exists for me.  i just dont know what to do with all of this ANGER.  i dont want to buy any more pink.  or wear any more yellow.  i dont want to walk or run in memory of anyone else.  i just want this whole crazy nightmare of cancer cancer cancer to be GONE.

and i know that feeling that way wont change a damn thing.  i just feel like it needs to be said.  i know we are supposed to be positive. and encouraging. and supportive.  and we are.  but we are also just MAD.  and TIRED.  and FRUSTRATED.  and maybe every now and then we just need to share that too. so maybe we dont feel alone with all of these feelings.


Image result for some days there won't be a song
my heart goes out to all of you tonight.  all of the victims of the disease.  everyone who has suffered a loss.  every family member struggling to make sense of it all.  to everyone that is still here trying to make sense of what comes next. if there is one thing i do know its this:  we are all in this together.  no one on the planet is untouched by loss.  maybe in our times of greatest weakness we can finally find some compassion for one another. and fight the fights that are important.  together.

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
2 Timothy 4:7 Tweet this quote