For anyone who has lost a loved one, holidays are especially challenging. When everyone else is happy and celebrating, you are thinking "this would be so much better IF ONLY". It's the "if only's" that really get us. If only i had known that she wouldn't be here, what would i have done differently. If only i had known this would be the last easter/christmas/newyears/birthday i would have done a better job at letting her know i loved her & appreciated her. if only i had taken more pictures or stored more memories....paid more attention when we were doing all the seemlingly normal things we did together. then MAYBE it would be easier to understand or easier to take when days like today roll around. not that we dont miss her all the time. but some days are just plain harder than others. this is one of them.
“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.“ – Kahlil Gibran
for us, valentine's day is particularly difficult because it is Tiff's birthday. and as anyone who knew her well, knows, we have ALWAYS had to celebrate her birthday over and above any kind of hearts and flowers holiday! so the days leading up to valentines day are not full of what should i get or where should i go. they are full of UGH i hate valentines day. its so hard. why is everyone else so damn happy, when i am just so sad? I DREAD IT. kind of for me. but mostly for kris....and jim. its a double whammy. because you cant get away from it. its EVERYWHERE. hearts and flowers and romance and lovey dovey stuff oozing from everything! i know like every holiday, its overcommercialized, but WOW is valentines day off the hook - or maybe it just seems that way now. either way, you can feel the date LOOMING for weeks. and then you wake up to all this sunshine & light from all these people who just DONT understand that today is NOT a fun day. but it is....for them.
Every life has a measure of sorrow, and sometimes this is what awakens us. Steven Tyler
that's where the next step starts - coping. every year (i hope) it will get easier. but this will ALWAYS be Tiff's day. kris will always wake up sad. and i will always make a big production of NOT celebrating valentine's day. i think i've decided to treat it more like a cross between easter & halloween. cuz that's about as far away from hearts and flowers as you can get. i made up baskets of candy (mostly easter because our crazy ass stores cant wait to put easter candy out) and im throwing a big old drunken blowout. because why not. why not try to make this day about something at least a little fun. tiff would appreciate that i think. she was always up for a party. and at some point we have to start figuring out how to stop hating this day. maybe eventually our new UN-valentine's tradition will start to take away some of the sting. maybe it will never go away....i guess only time will tell.
in the meantime, for so many different reasons, i'm joining the land of Vday haters. i dont need one day to show everyone how much i love them. if i've learned nothing else from losing tiff....and aunt bobbie, it's that EVERY day should be valentine's day. life is a funny, hard, complicated mess most of the time. but even so, its full of amazing people EVERY DAY who make you smile, laugh and feel loved. i hope you take the time to tell them that when it happens. don't wait for one special day. because the meaning of that special day can change in an instant.
today is the day i'm going to stop trying to think "if only" and start thinking "i'd better". i'd better say i love you when i think it. reach out and not hold back. stop waiting for a better time or a better way to express myself. i'm not always the best friend or wife or mother out there. but i truly do appreciate each and every one of my friends and family. you all bring something completely UNIQUE to my life and if i haven't said it before, i'm sure i meant to....i love you. thank you for being who you are, and being in my life.
“Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” ― Franklin P. Jones
happy UN-valentine's day to you all :) ...... the party starts at 8!
