i dont think you ever realize the significance of things as they happen. occasionally maybe. but not normally. life just goes on its daily path. but every once in awhile something happens that makes you take a look back at the things that have shaped you. and its not always what you might think.
“Who are we, if not measured by our impact on others? That’s who we are! We’re not who we say we are, we’re not who we want to be – we are the sum of the influence and impact that we have, in our lives, on others.” ~ Carl Sagan
i got the news today that my college coach lost her battle with cancer. it was a long and painful struggle for her. i wish i could say that i had reached out to her. but i didnt. i guess its safe to say that wendy and i had a VERY difficult relationship. very. i would say that she ranks right up there as my most controversial relationship ever. which is saying something. believe me. but i would never have wished upon her the horrible struggle she went through. i also should have reached out. but thats for me to deal with.
really what i'm trying to come to grips with is what an influence she had on me. i mean, i knew it at the time because it was a daily topic of conversation. but in the end, i never could have described the lasting impact our relationship would have. wendy was a driving force in shaping the adult i would become. she was THE central player at one of my biggest turning points. it goes like this.....freshman year i was one of 3 freshman to play varsity. i was good. certainly not the best (go monteiro!!), but competitive. and like everyone else on the team, used to being the best player on my high school team. so definitely cocky. and mouthy....i'm sure you are all shocked. i came to school in HORRIBLE shape, because i hated to run and was super fast. and i'd never really had to work that hard to be in shape. i figured i'd be ok. i wasnt. which was wendy's first impression of me at school. raw talent. unmotivated. out of shape. do you think ANY of those things still apply?? because i dont. and that's when it began.
fast forward to a fairly frustrating freshman season, where i would start and get pulled continuously. i never lived up to her expectations, and started to find perverse pleasure in making her crazy (again, i'm sure you're shocked). but this is where it changed. i blew my knee out second to last game. at cornell on their shitty turf. which was an 8 hour drive back to school. all of which i spent with wendy telling me i was overreacting, and that i would be fine. she probably believed it. probably. but clearly my season was over. and when we got the actual diagnosis and the date for surgery, wendy's reaction was basically a "so you wont be back". because she didn't believe i could, or would, put in the work to make it happen. and i'm sure she didnt even want me to. our relationship really was that bad. i mean i could tell you wendy stories for DAYS. most in hindsight are pretty funny. i can only imagine what they looked like from her perspective.
this is the thing. i can remember so clearly her writing me off. and in that ONE MOMENT, it became the single most important thing that i prove her wrong. and that's what i set out to do. i became TOTALLY focused on not only being ABLE to come back and play, but being in the BEST shape of my life. JUST so i could show up, be ready to play.....and then QUIT. i'd show her!! pretty stupid. but it was a long year. and we were having players quit left and right. i didn't want wendy to be able to say i COULDN'T come back. i wanted her to know that i COULD. and CHOSE not to. that stupid injury wasn't going to be the thing that ended my career. no way. i wouldnt' give her the satisfaction.
“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” ~ Albert Schweitzer
so wendy anderson changed my life. just like that. i busted my ass for the better part of 8 months. i rehabbed at school - crutching to the AC in the snow every day. sitting my ass on a stationary bike for what seemed like YEARS. and when i got home for the summer, i TRAINED. for the first time ever. i ran, and lifted, and sprinted. i pushed myself harder than i ever had. and a week before we went back to school, i shaved all my hair off, as my final FU to my old self. i went to camp in kickass shape. totally ready to tell wendy to shove it. and then i realized that all that work had paid off. and i was ABLE TO PLAY. so quitting would just be kicking myself in the ass. wendy clearly didnt want me. to actually STAYING was the better FU. so i did :)
our relationship never got better. but it didnt get worse. she made me prove myself over and over and over again. i can remember our assistant carolan telling me i had better learn a corner skill, because that was the only way wendy would keep me on the field....if she absolutely had no other choice. so i did. again, just to MAKE her need to play me. how messed up is that??? maybe she really was an evil genius. because it certainly worked. wendy, either purposefully or inadvertantly, made me the athlete i am. which is amazing. considering we probably never spoke a civil word to each other after my last recruiting trip. maybe there was a method to her madness. god knows she got me to play.
im so sad to say i never thanked her. and probably never gave her the credit she deserved. and now she is gone. i think what i learned today is that EVERYONE comes into your life for a reason. it may not be obvious at the time what that reason is, but believe me there is one.
i tell all the girls i work with whenever i meet them for the first time, that i wish someone had started me on my path earlier. i wish i had gone to college with any kind of exercise or fitness experience. i'm sure so did wendy! maybe it would have made a difference if i had been in shape when i showed up that first year. maybe she would have hated me anyway. i'll never know. what i do know is that i owe her a great big thank you. one i hope she gets, now that she has found some peace. in its own way, strong is beautiful is the culmination of wendys influence on my life. hows that for irony? you just never know what someone is going to mean to you in the long run.....
so, to all of you that i have met so far on my journey, thank you for what you've done. i wouldn't be who i am without you. i'm truly grateful to have you.
“There is no such thing as a ‘self-made’ man. We are made up of thousands of others. Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into the make-up of our character and of our thoughts, as well as our success.” ~ George Burton Adams
