Wednesday, March 27, 2013

my high horse


Here are the values that I stand for: honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values.  Ellen DeGeneres
i try not to use this blog as any kind of platform...its mostly just a way to express myself and my daily life.  so forgive me in advance if you dont agree or dont want to finish reading this.  because this issue is just too big to not take a moment to at least make an argument.  i, in all honesty, can not believe we live in a society so amazingly and stringently UPTIGHT and THREATENED by the choices of others.  or even by someone else's REALITY.  it doesnt matter whether you believe that being gay is a choice or not.  if i'm going to discriminate against a group of people for making a CHOICE, i better be able to stand up in defense of every choice i've ever made.  and if you believe that you are born gay, then its completely unreasonable to even attempt to deny them any kind of right as a group.
in all seriousness....every single person on this earth should be able to identify or at the very least have compassion for a group of people struggling to be recognized as equals.  i personally have this ancestry...indian, irish & german.  i'm catholic (or was, anyway).  and i'm a woman.  each of these groups of people has fought prejudice and discrimination.  many people who came before me, FOUGHT and DIED for the rights that i now have.  and after being given these rights, it is in NO WAY acceptable for me to use them to help subjugate any other group of people.  in NO WAY.

i'm not saying you have to agree.  there are PLENTY of things, groups and people out there that i have a STRONG distaste for.  but so what?  who am i to infringe MY set of beliefs on anyone else.  denying gay couples the right to marry just weakens us as a culture.  we sit on our high horse and condemn the middle east for their treatment of women.  because we FINALLY decided women should have equal rights.  but we are still attempting to limit them. if i'm a woman that wants to marry another woman and you deny me that right, you are STILL subjugating me!!  you are just calling it something else.

if your argument is religious - fine.  let your GOD decide.  if GOD truly does not believe in same sex relationships, then let HIM sort it out.  it is not within our rights to make that call.  and if your objection is based purely on personal preference or distaste, then shame on you.  no one is asking you to be GAY.  or marry anyone you dont want to.  i'm not sure how allowing someone to have the same rights as you do can possibly be threatening to YOUR rights.  do we think that if we make gay marriage legal, then straight people are going to STOP getting married??  i dont understand the argument.  i'm pretty sure if you worship in a church that frowns upon homosexuality, you are not going to all of the sudden have a surge of gay marriage at your church.  its not about making anyone uncomfortable.  its about being ALLOWED to provide for loved ones.  being given the same level of RESPECT that you yourself expect.  why are we so threatened by anything that is different?


HATE in any form is detrimental.  bigotry, racism, sexism.  is there any kind of good that comes from any of these?  and why must we have to learn our lessons over and over and over again?  there are NO second class citizens.  there is no group of people that deserves LESS than another.  because if there are, then every one of us is in danger of becoming one of those people that is deemed LESS.  maybe today you are sitting high in your secure place of judgement.  but situations always reverse eventually.  and who wants to be on the flip side where your rights are denied?  i just dont understand why we cant get this right.

and when it comes to marriage issue, i'm doubly stumped.  because i cant see anyway someone marrying anyone else has ANYTHING at all to do with me.  marriage is hard enough.  if same sex couples want the right to ATTEMPT to live with one person for the rest of their lives, then i say go for it.  are we worried they will be more successful at it than straight couples?  because they cant get much worse!  are we threatened by the idea that their "marriage" example will somehow differ from the traditional one?  and if so, so what?  how many different religions are there, again?  a million??  you know why?  because a bunch of different someone's didnt agree with the original interpretation.  how is that any different?  we demand religious freedom.  because its original parameters were too narrowly defined.  and this differs from marriage how?

What a happy and holy fashion it is that those who love one another should rest on the same pillow.  ~Nathaniel Hawthorne

we are all different.  we should embrace those differences.  not attempt to label and restrict them.  some of the best and longest "partnerships" i have witnessed have been of the same sex variety.  why those relationships can not be defined as marriage completely escapes me.  because really what is marriage but a commitment.  any 2 people willing to make that commitment should be applauded.  its not easy.  it requires dedication.  and tremendous patience.  and vast amounts of love.  it does not require a penis or a vagina.

God created sex.  Priests created marriage.  ~Voltaire

i know i wont change anyone's mind out there.  but i hope i can at least make you stop and think.  someday, there is going to be another assinine rule that says something like, only right handed people can get married, because we all know the "devil" sits on the left side (yes, i had a nun tell me that).  think about that.  think about what it would mean to you, or your children, if someone arbitrarily denied them the right to do something that didnt affect anyone else in any way.  someone, somewhere just decided it was scary, or offensive....when do we say enough is enough to ALL discrimination.  equal rights are not just for those you agree with.  we shouldnt get to pick and choose.  we are supposed to live in a "free" society.  but we wont truly be free until we stop trying to hold people down.  open minds & open hearts dont allow for discrimination.  and if there is one thing i truly believe about life and religion, its this: "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love" 1 Cor 13:13.  

If two stand shoulder to shoulder against the gods,

Happy together, the gods themselves are helpless
Against them while they stand so.
~Maxwell Anderson



Friday, March 22, 2013

18

today my baby turns 18.  i cant begin to describe the feelings that have been pouring through me today and every day leading up to now when i think about my life and how much it has meant every single day to me to be jake's mom.  not that being a mom to luke or josh feels any different.  and im sure i will have my own personal breakdown when each of them turns 18 as well. especially josh ....watch out then.  i may have to be committed!!

but this rather crazy, amazing, busy and fulfilling life that i lead started 18 years ago.  maybe 18 years, 9 months ago - i just didnt realize it then.  finding out you are pregnant (somewhat unexpectedly) at 22, with a boyfriend still in school, may not be everyone's ideal beginning to their story.  and it was a bit of a concern for me as well.  but i do now, and have always believed that things happen the way they are supposed to.   and so my family journey started instead of my career one. and GO me!

i was a GREAT pregnant person.  i just got fat and ate 10 million peanut butter eggs (hello - march baby).  but i was happy.  for someone with a somewhat screwy plan of action.  i LOVED being pregnant.  i was amazed by every change and every movement.  hearing the heartbeat for the first time and feeling the baby move.  every single thing that happened to me pregnant was amazing and a gift.  clearly it was preparing me for delivery and infancy.  because both of those SUCKED GIANT BALLS! i'm skipping over labor and delivery.  lets just say that when people asked me which one was my baby, it was quickly followed by "oh, the one who looks like he got beat up?".  he did NOT want to come out.  and i wanted him out.  and there began our first battle of wills.  i'm still not sure who won.

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new.  ~Rajneesh

to say jake was an easy baby would just be a lie.  i did not realize until luke was about 3 months old that MOST babies dont projectile vomit during and after every meal.  i literally travelled with half of his clothes everywhere we went.  and i thought it was normal.  who knew??  but he was so darn CUTE that i mostly didnt mind.  again, with no frame of reference, i just thought that all babies were a giant pain in the ass. and i was just waiting for him to outgrow it :)

The trouble with learning to parent on the job is that your child is the teacher. ~Robert Brault

according to the experts, we made all the bad choices.  he slept on his tummy, he slept in our bed, i didnt child proof anything, and i spent an entire trip home from rochester laying in the back seat of my GEO storm holding him while he cried.  i let him eat guacamole by the handful and crawl on everything.  he threw up constantly, so we let him eat whatever would stay down.  and just look at him now.

there must be something to be said for growing up mostly with your parents.  we didnt know enough to be crazy about everything.  so we just werent.  and eventually jake grew out of the puking.  and he moved into his own room.  he even gave up his pacifier and learned to use the toilet when i bribed him.  bribery was big in the bayer household.  and it seemed to work.  we went to gymboree with jojo the clown and had playdates.  kris worked during the day while i was the mom, and i worked at night while he was the mom. we were both the mom.  and the dad.  because we didnt know any different.  we didnt have roles.  we just did what needed to be done so jake was always with one of us.  and it worked.  we didnt sleep much.  but come to find out THAT was the normal part!

probably the first clue about the driven person jake would become was his obsession with both thomas the tank engine and buzz lightyear.  we collected thomas trains OBSESSIVELY.  whenever he got a new train, he would turn the package over to see who else belonged with that one.  because we needed them ALL.  everything we had, had to be COMPLETE.  half way was UNACCEPTABLE...even to my 4 year old.  little did i know.  and he was buzz light year for halloween pretty much every year.  no such thing as a passing fancy for jake bayer.

its a large part of what makes him who he is today.  jake sticks.  he met his best friend in pre-k. and they are still best friends.  jake is loyal and hard-headed and totally determined.  its quite a combination.  its been so amazingly fun and yet super challenging to parent.  jake has evolved into this incredible, talented, motivated, intelligent, compassionate young man.  but younger id say he was just stubborn.  he was all or nothing.  black and white.  ZERO middle ground.  which is so cool in some ways.  but wow was it hard to explain things sometimes.  jake is the kid who has NEVER ever had a B.  in anything.  and that is 100% due to HIS personal code.  jake is all in.  he accepts nothing less than all you've got. and he expects it of YOU and HIMSELF.  its a disappointing way to live sometimes.  not many people can live up to that.  and even he cant all the time.  dealing with setbacks and injury are super difficult when you just dont ACCEPT them.  in a way, i look at jake as before he got hurt and after.  he just happened to blow his knee at a time when he was going thru a transition anyway.


the man he became while overcoming his 2 knee injuries, surgeries and rehabs HONED the determination that was always his.  but it also taught him that no matter how hard you work, sometimes shit happens that you cant control.  you can only control how you react to it.  its a hard lesson.  but one i'm glad he learned young.  im not glad he struggled.  or lost an opportunity with lax.  but i'm glad he was able to LEARN from it.  he is stronger, more in tune with life and its idiosyncrasies.  and even more determined to create his own destiny.

There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in.  ~Graham Greene

what i've learned these last 18 years is that its possible to have your heart walking around outside of your body.  i've learned that its possible to be overcome with emotion and pride on a regular basis.  i've learned that at the end of the day, nothing else matters but family.  i'm so lucky and blessed that i had such a great example in my parents.  and i'm even luckier and more blessed that my kids get it too.

we only get one chance.  and i have to say i wouldnt trade one second of the last 18 years for anything.  because every single minute of it has made jake the man he is today.  a man with a good head on his shoulders, who cares for others, who takes responsibility, has passion, and who has exciting plans for the future.  i hope one day he is lucky enough to look back at his son on HIS 18th birthday and be as amazed and as proud as i am today.

i love you johnnycat. thank you for all you've given me these last 18.  cant wait to see what the next 18 have in store :)

It's not only children who grow.  Parents do too.  As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.  I can't tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it, myself.  ~Joyce Maynard

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

its a good thing i love my dogs....

“Owning a dog is slightly less expensive than being addicted to crack.” 
― Jen Lancaster

Ok, i love my dogs.  maybe not in the obsessive way my sister or my niece do, but i do.  really.  and i think for the most part, i'm a pretty good dog parent.  except, like my kids, my dogs are quirky and have their own unique way of letting us know that they need attention.

we are busy.  we've always been busy.  its why we dont have ONE dog.  we have 3.  we want them to have friends and keep each other company when we arent around.  somehow, somewhere that makes sense.  or maybe its just that we have 3 kids and at various times have succumbed to each of them wanting a puppy.  it could go either way.  but we all love them, and generally spoil them.  and it literally CRACKS me up that they are so CRAZY!

why am i writing about them?  because after 18 years, 3 kids, 4 dogs and a cat later, i think we have finally met our match - and that's saying something for kb.  he LOVES our dogs.  HE is the sucker that gets out of bed at 2am to let them out.  HE is the one that moves out of the way so all 3 of them can sleep with us.  and when cooper ate my shoes, he thought it was annoying, but didnt really mind - because, hey, MY shoes.  when lila went thru her HOWLING phase and was peeing everywhere, he was fine.  again, annoying but no big deal.  and when bruno started eating MY underwear (yes, underwear), he LAUGHED.  and then lectured me about picking up my clothes.  but guess what?  bruno - being the momma's puppy that he is, has decided to seek some revenge on my behalf.  and is now going out of his way  to eat KB's boxers.  like ALL of them.  i'm really not even exaggerating.  its RIDICULOUS.  he is getting them out of his gym bag, climbing up and lifting the lid on the laundry basket .... HUNTING them out!!  i cant even believe it.  i seriously WISH for one minute i understood what dogs were thinking.  when i went back to work full time, cooper was still pretty young.  and he literally ATE my shoes - but ONLY my work shoes.  not my shitty slippers, or hang out shoes - my NICE heels.  i actually had to start HIDING them.  which is so not easy for me.....because for any of you that have been to my house you know that i just kick my shoes anywhere!  but i learned my lesson and coop definitely won that round.  and i made more of an effort to be home....AND he stopped eating my shoes!!!

“The capacity for love that makes dogs such rewarding companions has a flip-side: They find it difficult to cope without us. Since we humans programmed this vulnerability, it's our responsibility to ensure that our dogs do not suffer as a result.” 
― John Bradshaw

so now here we are, with bruno the underwear eating puppy.  really in the last month, he has probaby run thru 20 pairs of underwear, 2 pairs of running tights and my favorite jeans.  and out of nowhere.  yes, he's still a puppy, but he's not new.  he's trying to make a point.  and it just might end up being my husbands breaking point!!  you know how i know bruno knows this?  cuz this is where he is sitting as i type.  he is in FULL on, avoiding daddy mode.  like IM not irritated over my jeans still!!  which im not.  i'm completely philosophical about it.  NOW.  because i am sure he's trying to tell me something.  well, now he's actually trying to tell kris :)

have i mentioned we are busy?  i find it just SLIGHTLY ironic that as soon as lax season started and kris stopped coming home after work, HIS UNDERWEAR started falling victim.....and the week i stopped working and was home more, MINE DIDNT!!  how freakin smart are dogs???  or it could all just be one big giant cosmic coincidence and i started moving my clothes....but i'm choosing to believe that bruno the wonder puppy is trying to teach us a lesson.  of the "be more present" variety.

clearly my pups dont suffer for attention.  but i guess, like a lot of people, they dont like changes to their routine.  and since they cant really BITCH about it (like i can), they EAT things to show their displeasure.  which is pretty smart.  and pretty entertaining -as long as its not your stuff.  now that bru has moved on from my things (mostly), i find it quite a bit funnier.  on the other hand, i'm the one that has to shop to replace whatever gets eaten, so at the end of the day, bruno is still working me over!!

there isnt a big giant point to this little story, except that i really do wonder if i hadn't quit my job, would bruno still be picking on me??  not that the dog eating my stuff had anything at all to do with my decision.  its just been a happy little side benefit.  and maybe a teeny tiny miniscule affirmation that yes, it was the right call :)  i'll take any positive reinforcement i can get at this point!!  even if its coming from my puppy.
so here is to finding the humor in every situation.  embracing the craziness.  and to spending more time at home......go bruno :)

Monday, March 11, 2013

no happy medium


"To acquire balance means to achieve that happy medium between the minimum and the maximum that represents your optimum. The minimum is the least you can get by with. The maximum is the most you're capable of. The optimum is the amount or degree of anything that is most favorable toward the ends you desire."


i have no happy medium.  i BELIEVE in it.  i just dont know how to achieve it.  it seems like i have 2 speeds.  on and off.  i am either working obsessively on a project of some kind - be it work or fundraising or whatever  - or i'm doing nothing.  like absolutely nothing.  like i dont want to leave my couch nothing.  and as i've said before, i don't consider myself lazy.  i just really honestly dont know how to do anything a little bit.  not to say i do everything i do well.  but i do it ALOT.  or at least i focus on it alot.  and because i know how i get in my "off" moments, when i'm "on", i push myself really hard to get the most i possibly can accomplished, so i dont feel like a complete slack ass when i'm off.  i know this has to make me sound crazy.  but i have friends who ask me all the time how i can get something accomplished so quickly.  and the answer is that i have to do whatever it is quickly, before i lose my steam.  because once its gone, there is no telling when its coming back.

and i really dont believe its an attention thing.  i watch josh do a lot of the same things.  we can both work on a project for days/weeks/months - obsessively so, and then just one day be totally over it.  its like pop tarts.  i ate frosted brown sugar cinnamon pop tarts everyday - EVERY SINGLE DAY in high school.  i even took like 3 cases with me when i left for college.  to say i loved them would be a ridiculous understatement.  and then one day - bam - over it.  never have i touched them since.  and for no particular reason.  they are still yummy.  i still buy them and have them in my house almost all the time - my kids love them.  and yet, i dont eat them anymore.  because apparently i'm CRAZY. and they now fall into that huge, dark place where all of my old obsessions go.  i cant even tell you where that might be.  because again, they just go - and i have no idea where or why.


VERY occasionally i have to dig down and try to retrieve one of those "old" obsessions.  and i tell you its just plain strange.  sometimes i can "re-energize" so to speak about a subject.  and sometimes i just cant.  i'm finding that the older i get, the more i despise repetition.  clearly a huge indicator that my attention span is somewhat lacking.  so if i can find a new way to look at an old idea - then yeah - my energy level goes back up and we are ON again.

Trust only movement.  Life happens at the level of events, not of words.  Trust movement.  ~Alfred Adler

as always my life in some way shape or form comes back to food.  in this case its the analogy.  you want to know why i hate cooking?  because i find it boring.  i find it boring because back in the day when i was putting together actual dinners for my family, i had the usual staples that got us through.  fast forward a zillion years and i'm over all of them.  they served their purpose and now i just dont want to THINK about it anymore.  if someone emailed me what to make for dinner everyday, then i might start to like it again.  its not the COOKING that bothers me -its the THINKING ABOUT IT that drives me crazy.  i'm just over it.  i spent like 12 years obsessed with what to make for dinner, and now i dont want to think about it ever again.  unfortunately i still have 3 kids to feed.  which is a giant bummer for them, and makes me a horrible mom in terms of nutrition.  we get by.  mostly.  but i just cant motivate myself about it anymore.  i even had the horrible thought that i really cant wait until we can all just take a pill to get all of our nutrition allotments like in that horrible sci-fi movie with sandra bullock.  its just so much easier.  and how SAD is that.  my food motivation is gone.  i dont know where it went or how to get it back.  its now officially located in that big black hole where all of my other "things i used to do" now exist.

and of course the flip side is that its PEANUT BUTTER EGG season - and you all know what that means!!  i am getting the vast majority of my daily calories from the absolute perfect combination of chocolate and peanut butter that is the reese's pb egg :).  maybe thats the key.  if everything i get obsessed with is only available 2 months of the year, then maybe i wont have time to get bored.....unfortunately for my kids that's not the case.  and i've set such a low expectation threshold on dinners anymore that they are just happy when they dont have to fend for themselves.  horrible, i know.  maybe now that i'm not working as much it'll come back around.  but so far?  nope.

That destructive siren, sloth, is ever to be avoided.  ~Horace

what made me think of this today?  mostly it was the peanut butter eggs.  but i also am feeling like i'm fighting one of my "off" times.  its like i can feel it coming.  i went to the gym this morning, like every monday morning, and literally could NOT make myself lift.  anything.  it was a complete waste of time.  i mean, i actually WENT there, and still didnt work out.  THAT is never a good sign.  i'm hoping its just a case of winteritis.  i also am very susceptible to my outstanding hatred of all things cold weather related.  maybe today just was a bad combination of it being dark (and cold) outside, and me popping a peanut butter egg in my mouth at 6am.  probably not the best way to start off a monday.  clearly doesnt set me up for a successful day.  it pretty much said "deni, you may as well climb right back in bed and start over later".  but i didnt listen.  and i should have.

the moral of this story is A) if i ever offer to help you do something, you better JUMP on it when i offer  - because there is no guarantee that if you wait, i'll still be in my WORK mode.  i'll still help you, but i wont get NEARLY as much accomplished; and B) if anyone has any super easy dinner ideas that dont require much culinary skill and that dont come out of a box, my kids will forever be in your debt :)

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

a fork to the eyeballs

i cant think of anything more perfect than this for how i felt last weekend watching the RIDICULOUS judges NOT give out an award to the ONLY group that got a standing ovation during the SingStrong performances. now don't get me wrong, i know NOTHING about music. other than what i like or dont like.  but i feel like i'm a pretty good audience. i can tell when people are bored and when they are engaged.  and believe me, i am CERTAINLY at least slightly biased when it comes to UNPLUGGED - because my kid is the beatboxer and one of my best friends is the coach....so sue me.  with that being said, they were still the only group of 12 that got the crowd on their feet (without prompting).  and they didn't even place.  which can i say one more time is RIDICULOUS!


TO JUDGE: Verb

Form an opinion or conclusion about.
this is my issue.  and again, let me preface this with, i have ZERO background in things where you get a SCORE, as opposed to just WINNING.  sports are my area - and i wont even begin to bore you- or piss you off - with my opinion on what counts as a SPORT and what's a competition.....BUT clearly this music thing qualifies solidly in the COMPETITION category.  SO, the way you "win" is to have 4 strangers from various musical backgrounds "score" your team on completely subjective criteria.  which to my competitive soul makes absolutely no sense WHATSOEVER!!  i want it to be clear cut.  its like trying to get into college - its completely SUBJECTIVE!! and that totally does NOT work for me!! (obviously)

what if you just happen to get the asshole?  that one judge who had a bad day or doesnt like your costume (or whatever)?  what if you get a petty judge that doenst want to be upstaged (ahem)?  or what if they just dont have the same basic taste in music?  can you ever be FAIR when its your job to JUDGE someone else?  i hate that word, anyway. JUDGE.  now you know i'm not one of those everyone gets a trophy kind of people.  i BELIEVE that there are winners and losers when you compete. as there should be.  both teach good lessons.  HOWEVER, when some 3rd party gets to decide who wins and loses, i think it loses its impact.....because maybe we dont agree.  not that they care what "we" think - but it should. if you set yourself up as a JUDGE, you better be able to back it up.  your judgement should come with an explanation and a defense.  because no matter what, someone is going to think you are wrong.  that doesnt mean you are.  it just means you should be able to defend the position.  maybe those other 3 groups really were better than Unplugged.  i dont see how.  but again, i have NO musical background.  it just seems that when a decision leaves an audience in silence, maybe i'd put out some kind of technical reasoning. or maybe not.  clearly its the judges prerogative to tell us all to get fucked.  which is pretty much what they did!


which leads me to my next issue.  i LOVE music. LOVE LOVE LOVE it.  i was SO excited that luke decided to join Unplugged this year.  i was SO excited to go to SingStrong with him, and to watch all those amazing acapella groups perform.  and guess what?  i literally wanted to stab myself repeatedly most of the night.  it was AWFUL.  not bad.  not boring.  AWFUL.  like painful.  you know how when something doesnt quite live up to your expectations but you keep waiting for it to get better?  like that.  but worse.  because it never got better.  it was like one large punchline to the suckfest that was the day.  i actually spent the last hour of the "professional" concert deleting duplicate contacts from my phone.  seriously.  in between sending texts to everyone i could think of with snippets of the "professional" groups.  just to spread the wealth, so to speak.  i mean COME ON!  the totally sad part is, i'm super easy to please when it comes to music.  again - NO TALENT generally means i'm easily impressed.  if you can manage to bore ME with your music, you are working at it.  so what i came away from that experience with is this:  i obviously have NO IDEA what sounds good.  maybe i'm actually tone deaf or something.  which is news to me.  because prior to this past weekend, i would have said i not only have good taste in music, i would also have said i had a pretty good handle on what other people liked as well.  

you know how some people are armchair quarterbacks?  some people are obsessed with reality tv.  well me, i'm obsessed with singing shows.  i love them.  once again, because i have absolutely no ability myself, i am in awe of those who do have it.  i watched american idol (when i used to be good), i LOVED the sing off, and am obsessed with the Voice.  this SHOULD have been such a great event for me....come on SINGSTRONG?? of course i will love it.  and yet i didn't.  and i just cant figure out if its ME (which is quite possible), or the real "acapella" people are trying to "de-pitch perfect" their audience.  maybe the onset of GLEEKS and ACAPEOPLE pissed off the "serious" acapella people.  because i'm telling you what - they are taking themselves WAAAY too seriously these days.  it was like going to a showing of acapella as art.  im not sure we could have shoved a stick higher up the collective ass of this group of performers.  i mean i actually nodded off.  how bad is that? at a music performance?  ENTERTAIN ME.  jesus.  i'm sure i sound like a petulant child, but really, how hard is it to make music FUN??  Unplugged knows how to do it.  maybe that's the problem.   too much ACA AWESOME and not enough stilted marching.  the only other high school group that also was fun to watch, got zippy as well.  i feel like the judges were saying to the audience- we are penalizing the groups that entertain you, because clearly your pedestrian understanding of our art form is unacceptable.  and we are going to collectively bore you to tears to prove our point.

to which i say - BRAVO.  job well done.  i will never be back.

i feel like i should be able to take those judges with me to a marathon tball tournament.  just to pay them back. which is mean to the tballers, i know.  but you see my point.  what that professional concert needed was alcohol and hecklers.  both of which i could easily have provided, had i but known what i was in for!


There is sometimes a greater judgement shewn in deviating from the rules of art, than in adhering to them; and †there is more beauty in the works of a great genius who is ignorant of all the rules of art, than in the works of a little genius, who not only knows but scrupulously observes them. -Joseph Addison
the lesson the kids took away from this competition is that once again life is not fair.  but they knew that.  it doesnt make it any easier to take.  it just makes it true.  the good news is that its a singing competition and they ROCKED.  they uploaded their performance and have like 600 hits already.  the buzz they created is super and overall they know they killed it.  but like with everything else, someone elses "judgement" always makes you feel a little bad.  why didnt they like it?  what didnt they like about it?  its those kind of questions that linger.  but at the end of the day, the standing ovation means more than the trophy.  or at least it should.  because music should entertain people. at least that kind of music.  what it shouldn't do is make you want to jab a fork in your eyeballs over and over again.
note to self:  next time you go to a "competition", DON'T!


Tuesday, March 5, 2013

holding on


Joy and sorrow are inseparable...together they come, and when one sits alone with you...remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.-- Kahlil Gibran


i may have mentioned that i have spent quite a bit of time recently visiting the hospital.  and without going into a lot of detail, i will say that i am both amazed and inspired by those who are facing some seriously challenging times with nothing but faith and optimism.  it cant be easy.  its not easy in the best of times to stay positive.  and then to try it when things are actually BAD, takes real strength.

i think what helps most when you spend hours sitting by a bedside or in a waiting room are the people who come to support you and the reminders they bring of all that is good about the person you love.  certainly we have all been there at one time or another.  but i find this time that i am waivering in my ability to stay positive.  as i sit in the critical care unit to visit TWO people dear to me.  one is 28.  the other 88.  both in bad car accidents.  i just cant make it make any kind of sense.  not that accidents EVER make sense.  tragedy happens to all of us in varying ways and to differing degrees.  but i watch my friend hold vigil over her young husbands life, and my grandmother grasping for her lifelong partner.  neither knows what to do.  and there is ultimately nothing that can be done.  except wait. and pray.  and hope.  and find courage and comfort in each other.


Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:12All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.  ~Havelock Ellis

i find myself trying to make sense of the whys.  when in reality there aren't any whys....and they dont make sense.  its an exercise in futility that i torture myself with over and over again.  it NEVER makes sense when ANYONE suffers. and trying to make it make sense somehow just makes it worse. so there comes that negativity creeping in.  trying to steal the faith you might have or whatever peace you can find.  its a constant battle.  and generally in internal one.  everyone puts on a brave face.  you mask your tears because its important that you not show the struggle you wage to keep your faith. and for me at least, it is a real struggle.

it seems i'm just realizing that life is one big obstacle course.  it doesnt matter how well you think you are prepared, there is always something that pops up that you arent expecting. and arent ready for.  the challenge is to figure out how to deal with it, without letting it throw you too far off your course.  when something big happens, its literally like you get picked up and thrown down.  like life is daring you to pick yourself up and keep going.  and you have to.  but in order to do it, you need to somehow find your reason why.  and quite often, you find the "why" in the people around you.  your family and friends.  the people who help pick you up.  its harder though, when the people who usually help pick you up are the ones who have fallen.  it teaches you that we ALL at different times are both the shoulder to lean on, and the one leaning.

Each day of human life contains joy and anger, pain and pleasure, darkness and light, growth and decay.  Each moment is etched with nature's grand design - do not try to deny or oppose the cosmic order of things.  ~Morihei Ueshiba

its the dichotomy that messes me up.  obviously i dont want to lose my grandfather.  or john.  in my perfect world, they would both get up and walk out of the hospital good as new.  and while i want to keep believing that they can, in my heart what i want is for them to stop suffering.  i'll admit, i'm a HORRIBLE hospital person.  i cant stand to see anyone with a papercut, much less with broken and shattered things.  this is my challenge.  how do i keep the faith when i see them in pain?  and really there is no answer.  at least not an apparent one to me.  i guess the fact that they are suffering is part of what is keeping them alive and in the fight.  so it might be a good thing.  its just so hard to witness.  but ultimately being there to witness it is the least i can do.  holding pappy's hand for a few hours so he knows hes not alone.  sharing stories in the waiting room with the crew that's always there for john.  just being PRESENT for the fight.

at the end of the day, every day, i try to take a minute to reflect.  or pray.  sometimes both.  and while im definitely not the best prayER in the world, i'm a champion reflectER.  what lessons am i supposed to be getting from this situation?  how can i make any of it any better?  and what i've decided is that i have to be strong enough to BE THERE - whatever happens.  i have to WILL them to get better, and yet understand if they don't.  i have to be willing to hold a hand, and also to let one go.  that's where the faith comes in.  i have to BELIEVE that somehow, somewhere there is a plan in all of this.  even if i cant see it right now.

If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm. - mahatma gandhi