do more

clearly bruno is a cuddler.  he fits right in with the bayer boys.  its amazing to me sometimes when i look at my life and think "wow" -  i have 3 boys, 3 dogs and a cat.  i INVITE chaos.  so i absolutely should not be surprised at all that my life is crazy and hectic and out of control.  and yet sometimes i still am.  totally surprised. somewhere in the back of my mind i think that all 3 of my kids should be able to have my absolute attention and that all 3 of my dogs will just grow up to perfectly attentive, even tho i only half ass train them.  its a lovely fantasy world i live in.  definitely not reality.

Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?  ~Calvin and Hobbes
i honestly thought that i would wake up today and feel relief.  jake's apps are in, first quarter grades are in the books, and i finally feel like i can breathe without coughing for 5 minutes.  for the last few months, my internal mantra has been, just get to november.  and now that november is here (mostly), all i can think is "next".  i realized tonight that i have totally left josh hanging on his science fair project, and luke keeps saying to me "can i talk now".  obviously my focus for the first time in what i hope is really forever, has been lopsided.  and i hate that.  i'm not sorry because i know that when it's their turn, both luke and josh will get the same focus.  and maybe its just that because this is the first time we've had to go through it, the whole app thing has seemed overwhelming.  with any luck at all, when its luke's turn, i'll have my shit together better.  i just feel bad.  and interestingly enough, its not really guilty.  its just bad.  like i wish i could do more or give more.  and i just havent been able to. 

i think there comes a point when mentally you just shut down.  or stop reaching out.  physically i'm not too busy.  as a matter of fact, i'm having a serious affair with my couch right now, due to the beforementioned possible pneumonia thing.  but i just cant THINK about anything else right now.  which is also kind of a first for me.  usually i'm happiest when i'm juggling a million things in my mind - making plans and getting stuff done.  but lately i just cant do it.  it seems that there really is a limit out there somewhere and i'm creeping up on it.

today is halloween - which i should also mention that i HATE.  like with a giant passion.  which is totally irrelevant, but deserves a mention.  because its my least favorite event all year.  by far.  and that includes the dentist.  i could go on and on but suffice it to say, i dont like creepy things and i dont like to be scared and i just think we should have a national day of candy exchange....it'd be way easier.  and less creepy.  anyway....THIS halloween marked yet another first.  for the first time in 17 years, i did not have to go anywhere.  as a matter of fact, i wasnt even invited.  there was no "hey mom, let's meet up with...."  it was "hey mom, i'm going...."  from ALL 3 of them.  so incredibly crazy.....and so very sad at the same time.  the point here is that the times are changing.  and fast.  and i better get back on the wagon if i want to stay with the program!

my boys dont need me like they used to.  i know they need me in a different way, but its my challenge to evolve as they do.  just because i dont need to help them with their homework anymore, doesn't mean i shouldnt ask.  and just because most of the time they would rather be with their friends, doesnt mean i cant make the time they are with me matter too. and i'm trying.  believe me.  i just cant help but get hit in the face sometimes that they are grown up.  every time a parent walked their super cute (and non creepy) toddler up to get candy, i had 2 simultaneous thoughts - "oh, they are so cute, i miss that" - and " i am SO glad i dont have to do that anymore".  it doesnt make ANY sense.  but its true.  that's just about where my head is at the moment.  i wouldnt go back to diapers and toddlers for anything.  i LOVE where we are as a family.  but knowing that we DON'T have any toddlers, just reaffirms that time has been SPEEDING by.  and that is the scariest thing of all to me this halloween.

so i'm going to buckle down.  for the next 5 minutes or 5 years.  however long it takes, i'm going to do my best to be mentally engaged.  because i need to be.  for the boys.  and for me.

“Do more than belong: participate. Do more than care: help. Do more than believe: practice. Do more than be fair: be kind. Do more than forgive: forget. Do more than dream: work.” - william arthur ward

i guess there is ALWAYS room to try harder.  to be better.  i just needed to remind myself why its important.  because some time in the not too distant future, bruno is going to have to settle for me.

the calm before....

there comes a moment when everything is ALMOST happening.....where you are forced into a holding pattern and can take a moment to just breathe.  this is one of those rare moments.  i'm sitting in a hotel room, 10 hours from home, waiting.  just waiting.  to get ready to watch one of my best friends get married to her knight in shining armor.  for jake to send me his latest and last essay for school apps.  and for news on the storm that will hopefully NOT affect my travel plans tomorrow.

and i'm reading the signs.....kris just happened to "uncover" this stepping stone today, while doing storm prep - and sent it to me with the caption "be the sunshine" :)  a good omen for all of us, i hope.

and while at cracker barrel in tennessee this morning, i had a great moment of clarity.  in all of the stress of college application, our running joke (which i've mentioned) is the blind side "it's your choice" speech.  and hello - i'm in TENNESSEE....home of that "god awful orange".....PERFECT.  so i got to send jake a text with me in that hate  WITH the blind side quote....and his response was absolutely fantastic :)  just a touch of humor to lighten the moment.  and put it all in perspective.

It is only in sorrow bad weather masters us; in joy we face the storm and defy it.   Amelia Barr

its funny somehow.  we woke up this morning to COLD and rain and wind.  not the ideal weather for a southern wedding.  but it just doesnt matter.  yes, we know that tomorrow we will all be facing the fallout - or at least the beginning of the fallout from the impending storm.  flights home could be affected.  honeymoon plans most certainly will be affected.  but for today - this moment - it just doenst matter.  today will be perfect.  because today is just the beginning.  tomorrow is soon enough to deal with reality.  today we will suspend it, and ignore all the things we dont want to think about.  today will be beautiful because we say it will. 

It doesn't hurt to be optimistic.  You can always cry later. 

~Lucimar Santos de Lima

pretending or ignorning wont stop the weather.  it wont stop college apps from being due.  it wont make my flight on time.  but it will make today better.  and so i choose today.  i choose to be positive.  i choope hope.  tomorrow is just going to have to take care of itself. today is for celebrating life.  tomorrow we can batten down the hatches :)

the greatest of these

i feel like i'm at that very interesting time in life when everyone i know is either getting divorced or separated.  our kids are older, maybe we dont need each other as much as we used to....or maybe we are all just tired of each others company.  i have no idea.  but i'm telling you that there is an epidemic of skinny women around me - all looking fit and fabulous - and they all have one thing in common....and it isnt a great diet. and i have to say im totally torn over the whole thing - not that anyone gives a rats ass about how i feel about it or anything.  i just find it somewhat puzzling.  to hear them all talk, being single and dating is the best thing since sliced bread.  and yet, all my 20 something friends still cant wait to find mr right so they can stop dating....its a vicious cycle.  and clearly there is no mr right.  ( i mean except for you, kris)

the other unspoken of part of this all is that there has to be SOME emotional devastation somewhere, right?  because something is making these chics slim down.....and you cant be married to someone without lamenting the loss in some way.  at least one would hope not.

"There is no remedy for love but to love more."-Thoreau

but like most negative things, something positive usually follows.  and i find myself in the awesome position of attending my good friends second wedding this weekend.  it has been such a pleasure watching her fall in love this time around.  and its even more amazing to me that she was willing to put herself out there again.  i guess it is true that all we really want is to love and be loved.  i know that she and her new husband will be very happy together. and while i can be somewhat jealous of that new love feeling - and all those incredibly fun firsts - i also appreciate so much more where i am at the same time.  marriage is not easy.  any one who says it is, is a big fat liar.  and mine, i hope like most anyway, has certainly not been a bed of sunlight and roses.  all the time anyway.  and i wonder if its normal to have the grass is greener syndrome at times like this.

i never had a big wedding.  and i never really regretted that.  although i DO regret that i dont have a beautiful wedding PICTURE.  every time i see one, i think "damn".  but seriously thats the only thing i wouldve wanted....and it seems a bit silly to spend all that money just so i can have a cool picture.  but that's neither here nor there.  whenever i'm out with my few remaining married friends, invariably the topic comes up.  can you believe so and so just split up.  have you seen her?  she looks amazing!  is THAT what it takes to get your ass back in shape?  like the rest of the married population is STILL sitting on the couch eating bonbons, right?  its crazy.  ANYWAY....the flip side of that are the couples we know who made it through what i consider "the other side".  they are the mostly empty nesters- kids in high school and college.  the couples who have managed to make it work -  thru the good, the bad and the ugly....and who are going through a renewal of their own.  it seems to me that THIS - this time right now - is the hardest to make it through.  and believe me, i pass no judgments.....i'm just observing. and trying to make it onto the next phase with my sanity intact!

On a cloudy night, when nothing seems above, still, there is love.  Always love.  For something, from someone.  It's never done.  Never.  ~Jeb Dickerson

i think the most amazing thing is that whether or not you are starting over, or hanging in there, the most important thing is still love.  love has so many different meanings and feelings - and obviously new love and old love are totally different.  and while new love is exciting, old love is comforting.  neither is better.  they both just are.  you have to embrace the feeling. nurture it. because its always always fragile.  and remember that its always easier on the other side of the looking glass.

todays post is simply a reminder to be grateful for the love you have.  in whatever form you have it.  whether its new love, old love, friend love, kid love or anything else - just cherish it.  because there is no greater gift you can give or receive.

i'm so excited to see the beginning of sams new journey.  i cant wait to watch her step so joyfully into her future. and i cant help but appreciate where ive made it in mine. 

under pressure

i hope when you read this you immediately start going (in your head, now)...

boom boom boom bada boom boom (or some such variation of the same):

Pressure

Pushing down on me

pressing down on you.....

you get the drift.  if i had one word to sum up what has been going on this month in the bayer household it would be PRESSURE.  followed closely by DEADLINE.  and then maybe STRESS or GRADES.  any parent of a child who has applied to college has been through this exact thing, i'm sure.  and i wish i could buy you ALL a big fat drink.  because you definitely deserve one...or one hundred.

i realize that it was our choice to apply early...but i HONESTLY thought i was prepared.  and i was wrong wrong wrong.  i'm glad at this point that we only have one more week because jake and i may never recover.  he's tired of me asking him if he has done stuff (which i've NEVER had to do before, mind you) and i'm totally tired of being this harpy old woman.

now the funniest part in all of this is that i realized how similarly jake and i deal with stress.  and its mostly called AVOIDANCE.  you'd actually think i would have been blogging more, right?  ironically, i hate to sit at my computer right now because then i'm tempted to start looking at edline and common app and sat/ap/act pages just to make sure i've crossed my t's one more time.  i've NEVER been the mom that checked edline every day....but i am now. every day.  sometimes twice a day.  its like a sickness.  i just want this to be OVER.  i want jake's apps to be in.  and i want him to be accepted at both of his schools.  and then i want him to ENJOY the rest of his senior year.  i really dont feel like i'm asking too much here!!

“When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure” - peter marshall

to say it has made me crazier than normal is the giantest understatement of the decade.  case in point.  trying to figure out how i'm going to come up with tuition - got some alarming news - freaked out - sold a car (or 2) and bought a new one, with a lower payment and one less insurance payment.  not terribly crazy overall.  except i did it on the fly.  as in, i called jake at school and said "hey i sold your car, i need you to bring it home and clean it out".  CRAZY.  its one of my more peculiar ways of distracting myself from the bigger picture.  i thought jake was going to KILL me.  even though it was REALLY his car.  just the one he has been driving til his jeep is fixed....i'm not THAT horrible.  altho i may actually lose it by this weekend and confiscate his phone.  if i see one more instagram, cinemagram, or tweet while i THINK he is working on his essays, i may do some serious bodily damage.  okay okay i'm kidding.

mostly.

i dont remember being this crazy when it was ME applying for college.  but clearly i have new appreciation for my parents.  this whole process is just flat out NERVE WRACKING.  and probably the hardest part is that no matter what he's done, or how great his apps and essays are, ultimately this decision is completely out of our hands.  THAT'S the part the stresses me out the most.  Jake deserves to go wherever the hell he wants.  of course that's just my opinion, but i can honestly say he has WORKED for it.  and it will piss me off like no other if he gets a rejection letter.  which is completely unfair and assinine. but completely true.  ya'll better watch the hell out on december 15.  its either gonna be a throw down party, or someone better come over and strap me down so i dont drive to new jersey with my uzi!  okay, now i'm REALLY kidding.

i think.

i'd like to think that if anyone ever looks back on the blog and the strange turn this year has taken, they will rank this one right up there with the most honest - and yet out of nowhere.  i'm not sure why tonight, after skipping most of the month.  maybe i really just didnt want to do my insanity workout (and yes, we are still doing that!!).  i guess i just needed to write again...i miss it.  and this seems to be the only thing i can think about.  which is sad, i know.  we've had such an interesting month - and there are a buttload of blogs saved up in my head - sams bachelorette, play for parkinson, chicago, baltimore marathon relay, play practice, science fair (oh yes - that one is coming), clemson, wine diva golf.  i mean really - some fun stuff in there.  and yet i'm still OBSESSED with apps.  one more week people!!

Education is not preparation for life; education is life itself.  ~John Dewey

i'm sure when we look back on this last month, jake and i will be able to laugh about it.  it is, after all, just one more step on the journey. and if there is one lesson i know we have both learned, its that all you can is your best and keep moving forward.  sometimes its just harder to see the forest for the trees.  i love that jake is so much more philosophical about it.  i hope that means that we've prepared him well and not that he feels like it doesnt matter.  a spokesperson at UChicago said to the group that everyone would find "their people" wherever they went.  that everyone would go where they were meant.  that there were no wrong decisions.  and that really resonated with jake.  and i agree totally.  in my head.  in my heart, i just want him TO GET IN!  i want the CHOICE to be his, not some admission officers!  and that my friends is what makes me neurotic.  hopefully my boys will only get the good stuff from me when they actually leave on their own journey.

Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine. 

~Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book

insanity

in·san·i·ty/inˈsanitē/

Noun:

The state of being seriously mentally ill; madness. Extreme foolishness or irrationality.

let's just start there.....there are many many many different definitions of the word insanity. i'm going to hit on several.  but for starters i told you my crazy ass husband roped me into doing the insanity workout.  like we needed to add one more thing to the list of already crazy shit that we do.  but that is my CURRENT excuse for the lack of blogging.  as a matter of fact, i'm sitting here writing at 8am because i'm waiting for a meeting to start.  what i HAVE been doing at 11 oclock at night, or 7 in the morning, when i usually blog is WORKING OUT!!  which is ridiculous. or insane.  but there you go.  and now i'm trying to figure out when i can squeeze in time to write, since my writing time is now insanity time.  and i guess you could say its always been at least a little bit dedicated to my insanity, so now its just physical insanity as opposed to mental  :)

what have i learned so far?  i get bored really really easily - which i didnt really just LEARN, but got reminded of.  and that you can make a butt load of money telling people to do ridiculously easy and repetitive movements - as long as you have a killer body to back it up.  my basic issue with most ALL exercise at home movements is that a) i get easily distracted and b) most of them are somewhat countraindicated to something i've learned along the way in all of my random fitness training.  i mean really?  should you push yourself to the point of cardio exhaustion and then immediately drop your head to do a V push up??  probably not.  i wonder how many people have passed out doing that and just thought  they were really out of shape?  interestingly enough, the old deni would have stopped doing the workout for a stupid reason like that.....now, i just comment on it and go on about the day.  why?  because i'm certainly NOT going to let my husband lose 10 pounds without me.  i mean, he will anyway.  but i at least need to stay in the fight, right?  which leads to definition number 2 - and possible the most popular:

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  ALBERT EINSTEIN

 in so so many ways this defines me.  i CONSTANTLY do the same shit over and over again thinking THIS time will be different.  but its not.  as i get older, i can laugh about it a little more, but its still true.  as it pertains to exercise and fitness?  well let me just say this:  kris and i will do this workout for the next month or so.  he will lose 10 pounds, feel great and be mentally happy.  i will gain 4, feel about the same, and be totally pissed off that after all that work i still look and feel the same.  and wish i had just continued to eat my chips.  but really, at least THIS time it wont come as a surprise :)  and i will be able to justify eating my face off over the holidays as my reward for this torture.  i wish i could say that yet again this is just the first step in my new fitness journey.  but alas, i live on a fitness journey.  i have a love hate relationship with it.  and it never goes away.  the insane part is where i think that the NEXT thing i try will be the thing that magically, finally makes me super skinny.  when in reality, i will always look pretty much the way i do now.  which is fine.  my goal with fitness now is all about fighting the good fight.  because you know what? i'm so afraid if i stop after all this time, i will just start melting into a pile of 40 year old mush.....i can so clearly see it in my head.  and its INSANE that i think my only two choices are workout fiend or mush - but there you go.  i have spun, turbokicked, bodypumped, personal trained, p90xed, run, ellipticalled & trained my way through the last 20 years.  and you know what? no matter WHAT or how much i do, the only constant is my need to do SOMETHING to keep that image of my future mush at bay.  so silly.  but you see i have this great aunt.  who is awesome. in her 90s.  but shes turning into jabba the hut.  which is super mean of me to say.  but its true.  that generation, and even to some extent my parents generation, didnt really exercise.  and now, the men are wasting away and the women and turning to mush.  and i dont know whether its just my family or not, but i do not want to be that old lady.  i want to stay me as long as possible.  and i guess in order to do THAT, i have to keep doing all this.  the good news is now i'm not expecting different results.  so i guess i'm only partially insane.

“If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.” ― Christopher Moore,

i guess one of the most interesting things i've learned through this process is that we are all crazy.  just in different ways.  what makes me think someone else is crazy, makes them think that i am.  and we are both right.  life, like politics and religion, is full of controversy and disagreement.  its all about choices.  and the choices i make - good bad or indifferent - give the impression to everyone OUTSIDE of those choices that i'm either right on the money or off my rocker.  but its all good.  depending on your point of view i am off my  rocker.  sometimes i think so myself.  that's what its all about really.  making your choices and rolling with the consequences.  the insane part comes in when the 2 dont match up.

so the thought of the day is this:  are your expectations matching your actions, and vice versa?  because what i've come to realize is that the day is a whole lot easier to get thru when they do.  if i dont expect work to make me happy, then it cant disappoint me at the end of the day, right?  and if i dont expect to lose 10 pounds, then it wont piss me off when i dont.  in this way, POSSIBLY i'm more open to whatever positives DO come out of my actions.  its a weird new concept for me....but i'm working on it :)

“I'll take crazy over stupid any day.” ― Joss Whedon